Reply to my spotless mind doesn't feel so happy

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[quote=Anonymous]This not entirely about my husband but it has the biggest impact on our marriage so I am putting it here.

Of course some people have much worse situations in life, but I was dealt a crappy lot with the death of my mother about 5 years ago and a divorce from my husband of 10 years also about 6 years ago. We married young (met in college) and had no children. I have no siblings (and no extended family that I know) and my dad is great but very removed from my life--lives out west on his own and likes it that way.

I have made a really nice life for myself with a wonderful, loving husband and two beautiful children. But I am really struggling with the loss of my past. I have no connection to anything that happened to me in the first 35 years of my life. Its weird. When I got divorced I remember wishing desperately that I could just erase my memory to take away the hurt and somehow, 6 years later, this seems to have unintentionally happened. I am wistful for my first husband not because he was a great guy but because he knew me in a way I feel like my current husband does not and never will. He knew my mother, he even knew my father, he knew me in college, he met and was friends with high school friends, he often came to my family home. Family home is long sold, I am not friends just due to life and moving with anyone from high school, and most my college relationships were lost in the divorce except a few close girlfriends. I am also sure some of this is related to throwing myself fully into motherhood, which has been my life's biggest joy, with two small children--their needs are vast and all consuming.

I guess I am just looking for someone who has been here b/c I don't know anyone who has. I am not saying this is the world's worst situation or anything like that but its a very eerie and lonely feeling. I long enough for connecting with someone from my past I think about reaching out to my ex. This is not a good move but it feels very tempting.

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