Stepson Financial Support

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to get some objective opinions about this. I'm sorry it's so long, but I'm not sure what details people will care about.

I've been a stepmom for about a decade now. My husband and his ex-wife have never gotten along well. All three of us are solid income earners, but, in the past few years my income has increased significantly while my husband has cut back. All of our money is "ours," so he does consult me on financial decisions.

My stepson was admitted to several universities, including a very expensive private school. This school was, by the rankings, the best college he got into. He was extremely excited, and, my husband and I made the decision that we would fully financially support his attendance. His mother let us know that she disagreed and thought he should go to a state school, at about 1/10 the cost, but, was would go along with it if we could fund 95% of the expenses... in other words, she is contributing half of what she would if he went to the cheaper school. She framed this as all she could truly afford, and we have no reason to doubt her. I was, and am totally on board with this expense. It's a stretch, but we can manage it. My parents got me through college debt free, and that was a wonderful gift.

All in all, though, I can't fault her position. Our state school is a solid, nationally recognized University, and pretty competitive in its own right. Plus, it's kind of my "fault" he's not eligible for a better financial aid package since my income is part of the picture. So absolutely zero issues with how we decided to go ahead.


We did sit down with step-son and explained the difference in cost between the two schools. We said we would be paying tuition, room, board, and a small budget for "necessary expenses." We worked through this, partially to be very clear, and partially as a good financial exercise for him. I think were pretty generous with our definition of necessary (including a modest cell phone and data stipend, a public transportation monthly bill, a small snack budget for the dorm room) It's not a huge budget, but it's still more money than we have ever given him before. We did this in May so he would have plenty of time to save money over the summer for college spending money. He's been diligently working full time and saving. And, like I said, it was clearly broken down as being for specific, necessary expenses.

And that's the background.

We just found out, from my husband's ex-wife, that she is giving him a pretty generous amount of spending money for college. Easily more than what we had budgeted. I'm normally pretty chill about financial things, but, this really upset me. We are making sacrifices to pay the portion of school we promised on the understanding that she was doing the best she could, and, honestly, that he was contributing in his own way by covering his own spending money. Obviously (to me) if money is fungible, any money she gives directly to him, is coming out of our pocket as part of our tuition contribution. I'm also conflicted about the fact that step-son didn't talk to us about this. We were very clear that the money we were giving him was to cover necessary funds - not an allowance or a gift. If he's getting this money, and more, from another source, I feel like he is kind of "double-dipping." He feels that financial arrangements between him and his parents are completely separate things.

Thoughts? Just roll with it? Tell step-son that we will not be giving him the money we promised since he is getting it from another source - so it's no longer a "need"

[Anonymous]

I can understand your frustration. I would discuss with stepson. Since he is getting spending money from his mother, I wouldn’t feel bad not giving him the budgeted amount. You are already covering a lot.

[Anonymous]

Could you ask him to account for the spending money from his mom? It might not be as extravagant as you think given costs near campus or other factors.

My stepson’s food budget looks outrageous on paper. I was shocked and sure that he was eating every meal out. He’s in law school, lives off campus, and can’t use a meal plan. When we visited, it turns out that all the grocery stores within walking distance or a short bus ride were WF or high end local organic (like Mom’s) and imported (think Balducci’s). To get to a regular grocery store, he has a long bus ride through a sketchy part of town and must Uber back. He also has very limited storage space in his shared kitchen. His housemates do eat out 3x a day. We are all together looking at other options for him, but for now, it’s just a lot of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you ask him to account for the spending money from his mom? It might not be as extravagant as you think given costs near campus or other factors.

My stepson’s food budget looks outrageous on paper. I was shocked and sure that he was eating every meal out. He’s in law school, lives off campus, and can’t use a meal plan. When we visited, it turns out that all the grocery stores within walking distance or a short bus ride were WF or high end local organic (like Mom’s) and imported (think Balducci’s). To get to a regular grocery store, he has a long bus ride through a sketchy part of town and must Uber back. He also has very limited storage space in his shared kitchen. His housemates do eat out 3x a day. We are all together looking at other options for him, but for now, it’s just a lot of money.

OP here. I get what you're saying, but he's on campus with unlimited meal plan. Truly, he could manage without any spending money at all, but we don't expect that. The extra expenses we came up with were laundry, cleaning supplies for his bathroom, subway pass, phone allowance, and a small snack budget for the dorm.

Also, we said that he should track expenses and come to us if he felt he needed more money. This really was more an exercise in financial accountability. I was a little annoyed at him for not mentioning the extra money from his mom. But, I was much more annoyed at her since her stance was that she was contributing all that she could afford to tuition. If she had been upfront and said she would cover a certain amount of his living expenses too, it would not be a problem, but, finding out after the fact makes it more difficult.

[Anonymous]

OP, he might not have known his mom was providing spending money. You are overthinking this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you ask him to account for the spending money from his mom? It might not be as extravagant as you think given costs near campus or other factors.

My stepson’s food budget looks outrageous on paper. I was shocked and sure that he was eating every meal out. He’s in law school, lives off campus, and can’t use a meal plan. When we visited, it turns out that all the grocery stores within walking distance or a short bus ride were WF or high end local organic (like Mom’s) and imported (think Balducci’s). To get to a regular grocery store, he has a long bus ride through a sketchy part of town and must Uber back. He also has very limited storage space in his shared kitchen. His housemates do eat out 3x a day. We are all together looking at other options for him, but for now, it’s just a lot of money.

OP here. I get what you're saying, but he's on campus with unlimited meal plan. Truly, he could manage without any spending money at all, but we don't expect that. The extra expenses we came up with were laundry, cleaning supplies for his bathroom, subway pass, phone allowance, and a small snack budget for the dorm.

Also, we said that he should track expenses and come to us if he felt he needed more money. This really was more an exercise in financial accountability. I was a little annoyed at him for not mentioning the extra money from his mom. But, I was much more annoyed at her since her stance was that she was contributing all that she could afford to tuition. If she had been upfront and said she would cover a certain amount of his living expenses too, it would not be a problem, but, finding out after the fact makes it more difficult.

Two things:

1. I think his dad has to be the main communicator about this. He has to be on board, and he is the primary parent of the kid for your family. I know, you've been involved for about a decade now, but these things get complicated really quickly when emotions are brought up. Keep the lines as simeple as you can.

2. It's perfectly fine to get together with the stepson and say, "Hey, we heard your mom is able to contribute more than expected. That's great! We should sit down and rebudget together. (That's what families do when they are working together. Situations change, and so your plan for dealing with them changes. This is no big deal.) Let's see what makes sense as a new plan."

3. If his dad doesn't want to go there, and you can afford it, even though it's admittedly kinda crappy that it fell out that way -- sometimes the cheapest way to pay for somethign is money. Decide how much it is worth it to you to push the point, or maybe if you want to tackle it at a more natural break, such as a new school year.

[Anonymous]

[actually three things! and also, good luck. You sound like a nice person.]

[Anonymous]

As long as he’s not spending it on drugs. My former BIL was stoned every day in college.

Have you accounted for small incidentals and replacing broken or worn out items regularly? They add up. I was very poor as a teen so living barebones in college didn’t faze me (in fact the lack of rats and the regular availability of hot water in campus housing was quite welcome). However, my children expect dorm rooms to be a mini version of home. I could say tough titty, but a miserable adolescent is a distracted student. I’d rather pay for a new set of headphones than a C in a college course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[actually three things! and also, good luck. You sound like a nice person.]

Thank you! And i'm going to remember "sometimes the cheapest way to pay for things is with money." I like that.

FWIW, his dad is the primary communicator on things like this. He just comes to me for the big financial decisions, which I appreciate. And DSS and him both come to me for the logistics, since that's mainly my household role.

I like the idea of treating the money from mom as just another stream of income. If it seems appropriate, I'll mention that to dad. He will ultimately decide how to handle this. And, yes, DSS knew about the money. My thought is that he was thinking about it very compartmentalized - he has his job earnings, money from dad, and money from mom. Since we really try to keep the financial arrangements between his mom and us behind the scenes, I doubt the interplay between dad's and mom's budget occurred to him. But, I do think he approached our financial conversation as a "negotiation" (there was a lot of, very calm, discussions on needs vs wants and a fair amount of compromise on both sides) I don't doubt he felt mentioning this money would weaken his position!

[Anonymous]

First, I would stop attributing ill motives to him. He may not have known about the money when you had the conversation, or maybe he's concerned his mom won't be reliable about giving him the money and is worried that without your help to cover the necessities, he'll be in a mind.

Second, I would wait and see how this year plays out under the current agreement. If he does end up getting all of the money and has plenty of spending money to spare, you can revisit the arrangement for next school year and see about easing up on the spending allowance you give him.

Finally, I would remember that he seems to be a good kid who's going into this in good faith. He presumably worked hard to get into this school, he doesn't appear to have questioned the small budget you set for spending money, and he's been working full time and saving his earnings to help cover his expenses as well. That's not a kid who's looking to freeload off you. Give him the benefit of the doubt and don't take out your frustrations with the ex on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[actually three things! and also, good luck. You sound like a nice person.]

Thank you! And i'm going to remember "sometimes the cheapest way to pay for things is with money." I like that.

FWIW, his dad is the primary communicator on things like this. He just comes to me for the big financial decisions, which I appreciate. And DSS and him both come to me for the logistics, since that's mainly my household role.

I like the idea of treating the money from mom as just another stream of income. If it seems appropriate, I'll mention that to dad. He will ultimately decide how to handle this. And, yes, DSS knew about the money. My thought is that he was thinking about it very compartmentalized - he has his job earnings, money from dad, and money from mom. Since we really try to keep the financial arrangements between his mom and us behind the scenes, I doubt the interplay between dad's and mom's budget occurred to him. But, I do think he approached our financial conversation as a "negotiation" (there was a lot of, very calm, discussions on needs vs wants and a fair amount of compromise on both sides) I don't doubt he felt mentioning this money would weaken his position!

I'm sure you will do well. Congratulations on being involved in the hard work of parenting. Nothing is as straight-forward as it seems!

[Anonymous]

You choose to send him to a costly school. She wanted a reasonably priced school. You overrode her parenting wishes. Deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Another step-mom here. You have zero control over what the ex-wife does, and all things considered, this is not a horrific thing. I also understand your frustration, but try to put it in perspective. I completely agree she needs to be clear on budget. And she was.

Discretionary spending is very different from a four-year commitment to pay for college. She needed to know her ability to pay the increasing costs of her share of tuition of the four years. But pocket money is different. She can withhold, lower, or increase that at any time. I think this is up to your step son to figure out and budget/work/save accordingly.


And yes, I think you are awesome for helping your stepson through college. I don't mean to diminish that kindness at all. It's just that in your shoes, I wouldn't give much energy to the spending money issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, I would stop attributing ill motives to him. He may not have known about the money when you had the conversation, or maybe he's concerned his mom won't be reliable about giving him the money and is worried that without your help to cover the necessities, he'll be in a mind.

Second, I would wait and see how this year plays out under the current agreement. If he does end up getting all of the money and has plenty of spending money to spare, you can revisit the arrangement for next school year and see about easing up on the spending allowance you give him.

Finally, I would remember that he seems to be a good kid who's going into this in good faith. He presumably worked hard to get into this school, he doesn't appear to have questioned the small budget you set for spending money, and he's been working full time and saving his earnings to help cover his expenses as well. That's not a kid who's looking to freeload off you. Give him the benefit of the doubt and don't take out your frustrations with the ex on him.

I agree with this. I was the child in this situation and it’s very awkward to discuss spending money each parent gives with the other parents. She is giving him extra money so he can see a movie or download a new video game or take a girlfriend out to dinner. It doesn’t sound like it’s 5k a month or anything outrageous. If he quits his summer job or starts slacking off at school next fall, then revisit. But he is a good kid, don’t put him in the middle of this and just trust that your good parenting will help him make smart decisions with this extra windfall.

[Anonymous]

My personal opinion, solely from a financial perspective, would be to encourage him to agree to put the excess funds into a Roth account which it appears he would be eligible for given his summer job. I think that would be an incredibly valuable life lesson for him.