Stepson Financial Support

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My personal opinion, solely from a financial perspective, would be to encourage him to agree to put the excess funds into a Roth account which it appears he would be eligible for given his summer job. I think that would be an incredibly valuable life lesson for him.

It sounds like this isn't a case of excess funds. Maybe some miscommunications, though? OP, I agree with the PP who suggested sitting down again for a rebudgeting session. No blame or shame, just acknowledging that there's a separate funding stream that's apparently considerable enough to warrant adjustments to your initial budget calculations.

You're a good person for supporting your stepson through college, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you ask him to account for the spending money from his mom? It might not be as extravagant as you think given costs near campus or other factors.

My stepson’s food budget looks outrageous on paper. I was shocked and sure that he was eating every meal out. He’s in law school, lives off campus, and can’t use a meal plan. When we visited, it turns out that all the grocery stores within walking distance or a short bus ride were WF or high end local organic (like Mom’s) and imported (think Balducci’s). To get to a regular grocery store, he has a long bus ride through a sketchy part of town and must Uber back. He also has very limited storage space in his shared kitchen. His housemates do eat out 3x a day. We are all together looking at other options for him, but for now, it’s just a lot of money.

You're getting played. WF's 365 brand is affordable and good. Your stepson could shop at WF and cook. He just doesn't want to.

[Anonymous]

OP I would not micromanage this. You guys decided on the expensive school, which is why you're now in the postion of negotiating so close to the bone. If you were no comfortable with what you are paying you shouldn't have agreed to it, full stop.

If anything, I'd have a conversation with him where you make it clear there is no more $ coming from you other than the current budget. That means he needs to think ahead about using his moms $ to consider whether he needs to save it for other purposes, like study abroad or summer internships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you ask him to account for the spending money from his mom? It might not be as extravagant as you think given costs near campus or other factors.

My stepson’s food budget looks outrageous on paper. I was shocked and sure that he was eating every meal out. He’s in law school, lives off campus, and can’t use a meal plan. When we visited, it turns out that all the grocery stores within walking distance or a short bus ride were WF or high end local organic (like Mom’s) and imported (think Balducci’s). To get to a regular grocery store, he has a long bus ride through a sketchy part of town and must Uber back. He also has very limited storage space in his shared kitchen. His housemates do eat out 3x a day. We are all together looking at other options for him, but for now, it’s just a lot of money.

You're getting played. WF's 365 brand is affordable and good. Your stepson could shop at WF and cook. He just doesn't want to.

Also your step son is in LAW SCHOOL. He shouldn't need mommy and daddy to tell him how to feed himself on a budget!

[Anonymous]

Agree with the pp about saving (vs spending mom's money) for future needs. Going forward, perhaps he can pay for textbooks/ fraternity dues/spring break. Do you or your DH have access to his debit account? Kids usually pay for everything via their debit card so it's easy to monitor where the money is going.

[Anonymous]

Another step-mom here and we're looking at this situation in 2 short years. DH and I make considerably more than DSD's mom so we know we're on the hook for big expenses such as car and college. You can't control what the mom does and how much she gives your DSS, if you do try to control it, it turns into a power trip and creates more tension and stress.

I would sit down again with your DSS and re-configure the budget. If he's open and honest about what his mom is giving him, maybe suggest you keep your portion of spending money in a separate account for him that is there if/when he really needs it, or he can have when he graduates college? It sounds like he has a pretty good head on his shoulders and the thought of having a big savings account after graduation may be really enticing.

[Anonymous]

Unless it’s *a lot* of extra money, I’d wait to see how the first year actually plays out. His computer could break. He could join an activity that requires extra fees (e.g., I was on the debate team in college, so had to pay for 3-4 meals most weekends; a friend was on the Tai Kwon Do team that self-funded travel to tournaments). He could decide he wants to do an unpaid worthwhile internship in DC his freshman summer and the money could pay for housing. If it really just ends up being a slush fund, then rebudget for Sophomore year. For all you know, he had an agreement with his mom regarding how the money gets spent... As a child of a horrendous divorce, nothing was worse than discussing one parent’s financial assumptions/contributions with the other. (For instance, my mom gave me $$ to take cabs if I was alone at night instead of the subway, my dad thought that was ridiculous. Sooo not worth fighting about.

[Anonymous]

It will really damage your relationship if you cut back your money to him based on this. however, you can make it clear you are not expecting to get hit up for more money (which is extremely common for college kids, even those who've been educated about sticking to a budget.) You sound like a great step-mother.

[Anonymous]

Given that your husband and his ex don't have a good relationship, I can tell you how she'll hear this.

"Blah, blah, tuition, blah, blah, expenses, you want to tell me how much money I can give my kid? Screw you!"

You will not win this. And I'm not sure I disagree with her!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the responses. I didn't have much to add, but I didn't want to disappear entirely. I think this post worked well as a vent, as I'm honestly over it at this point! I mean, if she took an expensive vacation this summer, I wouldn't even know. So, if what she means by "all she can afford" is not what we mean by "all we can afford" is really not all that relevant in the end.

DSS has also continued to work 4-5 shifts per week at his job, and, after some initial adjustment pains has transitioned over to handling all his own leisure expenses. So, that's a good trial run for next year.

[Anonymous]

You sound wonderful.

I would be frustrated as well in your shoes.

That said, I think what I'd do is of course follow through with the tuition promises and then cut back on the pocket money. If his mom is stepping up, that's great. I agree it's a shame she didn't just put it towards the schooling, but at the end of the day it's a wash. Just cut back.

If your concern is that you already told your SS that he's getting $x from you for spending money, it's completely reasonable to change that based on new info. You were providing the funds assuming certain financial realities which are not actually the case.

[Anonymous]

I would want to take back the difference between the additional funds ex-w is giving (vs. what you initially thought), but perhaps I'm petty, lol.

You're a good stepmom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you ask him to account for the spending money from his mom? It might not be as extravagant as you think given costs near campus or other factors.

My stepson’s food budget looks outrageous on paper. I was shocked and sure that he was eating every meal out. He’s in law school, lives off campus, and can’t use a meal plan. When we visited, it turns out that all the grocery stores within walking distance or a short bus ride were WF or high end local organic (like Mom’s) and imported (think Balducci’s). To get to a regular grocery store, he has a long bus ride through a sketchy part of town and must Uber back. He also has very limited storage space in his shared kitchen. His housemates do eat out 3x a day. We are all together looking at other options for him, but for now, it’s just a lot of money.

You're getting played. WF's 365 brand is affordable and good. Your stepson could shop at WF and cook. He just doesn't want to.

He does shop at WF and cook. It’s not that affordable. Which is why it seemed like a lot to us. We buy our groceries at Aldi’s and Shoppers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you ask him to account for the spending money from his mom? It might not be as extravagant as you think given costs near campus or other factors.

My stepson’s food budget looks outrageous on paper. I was shocked and sure that he was eating every meal out. He’s in law school, lives off campus, and can’t use a meal plan. When we visited, it turns out that all the grocery stores within walking distance or a short bus ride were WF or high end local organic (like Mom’s) and imported (think Balducci’s). To get to a regular grocery store, he has a long bus ride through a sketchy part of town and must Uber back. He also has very limited storage space in his shared kitchen. His housemates do eat out 3x a day. We are all together looking at other options for him, but for now, it’s just a lot of money.

You're getting played. WF's 365 brand is affordable and good. Your stepson could shop at WF and cook. He just doesn't want to.

Also your step son is in LAW SCHOOL. He shouldn't need mommy and daddy to tell him how to feed himself on a budget!

He didn’t ask. We questioned the amount. He gave us satisfactory evidence that he isn’t wasting money. He’s 23 so we’re going to help him until there’s an alternative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you ask him to account for the spending money from his mom? It might not be as extravagant as you think given costs near campus or other factors.

My stepson’s food budget looks outrageous on paper. I was shocked and sure that he was eating every meal out. He’s in law school, lives off campus, and can’t use a meal plan. When we visited, it turns out that all the grocery stores within walking distance or a short bus ride were WF or high end local organic (like Mom’s) and imported (think Balducci’s). To get to a regular grocery store, he has a long bus ride through a sketchy part of town and must Uber back. He also has very limited storage space in his shared kitchen. His housemates do eat out 3x a day. We are all together looking at other options for him, but for now, it’s just a lot of money.

You're getting played. WF's 365 brand is affordable and good. Your stepson could shop at WF and cook. He just doesn't want to.

He does shop at WF and cook. It’s not that affordable. Which is why it seemed like a lot to us. We buy our groceries at Aldi’s and Shoppers.

WF 365 brand is truly not that much more expensive than Aldis. He's basically going to spend an extra $20/week on milk, coffee and eggs there. https://www.mykomae.com/aldi-vs-whole-foods-365/