DH is being childish or am I a b*tch?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I had a wonderful day all in all.

We sit down for dinner.

Him: I feel like my friends and I are all misfits. We're the island of misfit toys. We are always searching for something.


Me: (annoyed that her 30 year old husband is talking like an emo teen) How are you a misfit? Shouldn't we have grown out of this phase and become functioning adults who have real worries such as the fact that you aren't inclined to create a 401K account even though I have been begging you for it for years.

Him: (angry) you are attacking me like a snake.

Me: (angry) you're acting like a child. I want to hear to talk about being responsible and not about some fantasy of being a misfit like you're in high school.

Him: (angry) you don't understand me. I'm creating walls around myself to protect myself from you.

He leaves and is now in the bedroom ignoring me.

I was being mean but I am sick of him having his head in the clouds and ruminating over existential issues when we have real life to deal with. I have anxiety because of this. I am at my wits ends!

[Anonymous]

Huh?

Both of you are teenagers.

[Anonymous]

What? So he opened up to you as he could about his feelings and you pretty much called him immature and shut it down? No wonder he’s not talking to you.
I would have said “why do you feel like that?” Is is the same as when you were in hs?” What would you rather feel like? Anything we can do to make this better?”
Your partner wants to talk to you about his vision of himself and you’re not even listening.

[Anonymous]

What real life issue isn't he dealing with? Besides the 401k?

And what if you came home and found that he had hanged himself due to depression? Would you feel differently about how you are so dismissive of his "existential issues"? Would you regret not having paid more attention to his happiness and how he feels about things?

And to answer your question, I think he sounds irresponsible and you sound like an unsupportive nasty person who won't even let your husband mention how he feels at the dinner table. Both of you should probably be married to other people.

Do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

Is this a screen play?

[Anonymous]

So this exchange makes you look really bad, OP.

I can only surmise that there is a LOT of history there, that your husband routinely laments himself without doing anything practical, etc.

You can persuade him to go to therapy and make him understand that constant negativity coupled with inaction is really stressful for you.
You can get him to a psychologist to see if he's depressed, or has anxiety, or has ADHD, all possibilities (people with ADHD procrastinate and sometimes can't start what they perceive to be big tasks). Having untreated ADHD and being unsuccessful in life leads of course to anxiety and depression, so you see how it could all hang together.
You can also divorce him, if you can't go through like trying to fix this. Because he won't turn it all around, you know. It will always be a struggle.

[Anonymous]

I don't know, OP. I obviously don't know all of the things that have lead up to this in your relationship, so your frustration may be very well justified.

However, taken on its own, it sounds like he was trying to share his feelings with you, and you didn't show any empathy or interest, you took it as an opportunity to criticize him.

I'm guessing you guys may have some bigger issues to work out besides this single conversation and might benefit from therapy if you have trouble talking it through yourselves.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you two are not compatible. He deserves a wife who cares about his feelings and you deserve a more stoic husband.

[Anonymous]

He tried to open up and you did not listen OP. You had a wonderful day together and he thought he could open up but you let him know he can't. I would never do this to my dh, love him too much.

[Anonymous]

Don't have kids with each other.

[Anonymous]

I think he was trying to open up to you about something and you shut him down.

[Anonymous]

You were rude and insensitive. You owe him an apology and a concerted effort to be a better listener moving forward.

[Anonymous]

He was venting, you should have listened instead of being rude.

[Anonymous]

He's being childish. Who has a conversation about the shared qualities of you and your friends in a depressing tone like you're the little Rascals at 30?



OP is right that he should have a 401K and I'm willing to bet the problem goes deeper and they aren't homeowners either. But all he wants to do is talk about how he fits into society. Sure. Fine.

He'll wake up at 33 and realize he should have gotten it together sooner.

[Anonymous]

You are not merely a bitch, but a Real Piece of Work. Shit, maybe he's depressed, you know, like Kate Spade or Anthony Bourdrain? Even if he's not going to snuff it, you attack him when he's upset and opens up to you? Hubby shouldn't insult snakes by likening them to you.