DH is being childish or am I a b*tch?

[Anonymous]

Also, the answer to your question is not either/or.

But look inside yourself, what impukse was behind saying what you did when you did? It was not concern, it was anger and resentment poorly managed. If you were primarily concerned with finances you would not have attacked, since that's only going to start a fight.


Do not have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both. You are being a bitch but he sounds insufferable. I can't imagine him being a dad. What straight man talks like this?

An honest man. If you feel like a misfit it means you are searching for something. Probably it's a relationship with God. This kind of talk is deep, open and true. It takes courage and a high emotional IQ to be able to handle the grayness areas of life that are right in front of our faces.

This is a man you can have a real relationship with if you want one. Some people can only handle surface issues and only desire a surface relationship. You need to put some thought into how deeply you are able to love.

Oh my.

[Anonymous]

As someone with an extremely responsible husband who only talks about his 401k......the talks about responsibility get really old, really fast. Great way to kill romance and excitement. I’d love for us to talk about our feelings but DH has zero interest. So we just live a very boring life of two very responsible people with nothing to talk about except how very responsible we are.

It’s fine to be frustrated over the 401k, but it was a bad time to bring it up and had nothing to do with what he was trying to talk about. Marriage is a partnership, so sometimes you talk about what he wants to talk about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I had a wonderful day all in all.

We sit down for dinner.

Him: I feel like my friends and I are all misfits. We're the island of misfit toys. We are always searching for something.


Me: (annoyed that her 30 year old husband is talking like an emo teen) How are you a misfit? Shouldn't we have grown out of this phase and become functioning adults who have real worries such as the fact that you aren't inclined to create a 401K account even though I have been begging you for it for years.

Him: (angry) you are attacking me like a snake.

Me: (angry) you're acting like a child. I want to hear to talk about being responsible and not about some fantasy of being a misfit like you're in high school.

Him: (angry) you don't understand me. I'm creating walls around myself to protect myself from you.

He leaves and is now in the bedroom ignoring me.

I was being mean but I am sick of him having his head in the clouds and ruminating over existential issues when we have real life to deal with. I have anxiety because of this. I am at my wits ends!

This is why men “bottle things up.” It is foolish to show any weakness or uncertainty in front of one’s wife, it causes no end of relationship trouble. That’s what his guy friends are for.

[Anonymous]

You both sound terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sounded like his mother, OP, not his wife. No wonder the guy sulked

NP.

I think you might be onto something here, but out of order. He probably married her because he's a giant manchild, and instinctively wanted/needed the bitchy mom type. You might even say he likes an excuse to call her a snake and retreat into emo silence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What? So he opened up to you as he could about his feelings and you pretty much called him immature and shut it down? No wonder he’s not talking to you.
I would have said “why do you feel like that?” Is is the same as when you were in hs?” What would you rather feel like? Anything we can do to make this better?”
Your partner wants to talk to you about his vision of himself and you’re not even listening.

+1

It’s like tell my kids, you deal with the reason you are upset in the moment, not days/weeks later as a justification to be mean. Conversations like “why did you call your teenage sister “baby” when you know she doesn’t make like it, “well last week she said my outfit was ugly”... If the 401K is an the issue, then during a conversation about finances, work this out. If it’s that serious that you feel you need counseling or divorce, then bring this up as a separate conversation that finances are giving you anxiety and how can you work together to improve the situation. While I get human nature makes it easier to be passive aggressive rather than face a situation head on when it occurs, it’s not productive or useful to actually changing the underlying situation to behave this way.

For the specific conversation, I saw an opening about why he feels disconnected and not anchored. Usually people keep up a facade of everything being perfect until it’s not so I would have taken that opening to find out what is going on. Maybe it’s related to behavior you are finding puzzling and doesn’t make sense to you, maybe it’s not. But to move forward in your relationship and tackle the hard stuff, each of you have to feel like you are being heard by the other person and that you are a team.

[Anonymous]

If your husband, partner talks to you so openly about his emotions, why are you choosing that moment to teach him a lesson like a mom? I had a similar conversation with my teen DS yesterday who is starting his summer job that pays really well for a teen. Saying that he should save money and not eat it all at Chipotle, and yes that he needs to think about his future. And it turned into a fight, of course. Yes, your DH sounds like emo teen, but I think that is fine, too many men had all emotions conditioned out of them, and imo, that is worse. You missed the opportunity that he was giving you for a productive conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are a good match.

Lol.

Poor husband.

[Anonymous]

You automatically put him on the defensive, OP. That's not the way to get answers. You need to stop and think before you respond.

[Anonymous]

Bitch

[Anonymous]

You are never too old to feel awkward and like a misfit. I'm 47 and I sometimes feel this way. The difference is if I told my DH he'd support me and ask me questions instead of ramming my flaws down my throat.

So your DH isn't fully comfortable with himself. What can you do as his partner to support him and help him mature or fund a goal, mission, or purpose to his life? It sounds as if he needs to feel fully accepted for who he is, and you do not fully accept him for who he is.

Try loving him before trying to fix him.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you know this wasn't the nicest thing to do. However, I totally get it. How obnoxious to have to listen to someone who seems to get some sort of pleasure out of being a "misfit" -- when his unwillingness to fit in is hurting you. Because yes, his unwilligness to be financially responsible hurts you. Is he irresponsible in other ways too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are never too old to feel awkward and like a misfit. I'm 47 and I sometimes feel this way. The difference is if I told my DH he'd support me and ask me questions instead of ramming my flaws down my throat.

So your DH isn't fully comfortable with himself. What can you do as his partner to support him and help him mature or fund a goal, mission, or purpose to his life? It sounds as if he needs to feel fully accepted for who he is, and you do not fully accept him for who he is.

Try loving him before trying to fix him.

Well, she is apparently trying to help him fit in with his finances, and he refuses. That's what this is about. He **likes** being Peter Pan with his friends.

[Anonymous]

How much alcohol was involved?

Or weed? My XH sounded like this when he’d get high.