I am exhausted with the amount of time DH expects me to spend with HIS family.

[Anonymous]

DH has expected me to spend the last 3 weekends with his family: Mother’s Day, a birthday party, and then next weekend with his family for Memorial Day at their cabin.

My family lives in another country. I see them maybe 2-3x/year and the visits are optional for DH. I don’t expect him to spend time with my family but he’s always happy to come along.

I’m upgrading math courses so I’m going to school at night, training for a 10k, and I have a full time demanding job. I’m exhausted on the weekends and am very introverted, I get exhausted around his family because they’re all very close and outgoing and I feel like an outsider and get tired of making small talk for 4 hours and watching the clock pass.

I’ve told DH that I have a math final coming up and can’t commit to 3 social engagements when I need to study. I’ve told him I am happy to pick ONE and go to it. I didn’t go to Mother’s Day so it’s between a birthday or a Memorial Day overnight visit.

I told DH I would rather go to Memorial Day, as we can rent our own Air BNB nearby. DH wants me to go to both the birthday party and Memorial Day. He said he feels like “I married his family” and it’s awkward for him when he has to explain my absences. He understands I have school but doesn’t understand how hard math actually is for me and the amount of time I have to devote to study.

Can I go to one family event without being an asshole to DH? I honestly thought I would change after marriage and want to be more involved with his family, but the truth is I don’t. I’ve asked DH to let me warm up to his family on my own and he’s not happy with the snails pace I’m taking. I don’t have any problem with the amount of time DH spends with his family, and he sees them probably once per week for quick visits. It gives me the space to do my own thing and have the house quiet for a while.

[Anonymous]

You "need to study".

But you have time to "train for a 10k".

I wouldn't find that bullshit convincing if I were your DH.

[Anonymous]

There's nothing hard about saying, "Monica is sorry she couldn't make it, but she's studying for a final for that degree she's going to school for. I'm so proud of her."

He just wants you to go.

You could even help him out by sending an email to whoever is hosting saying "I'm so sad to miss Jamie's birthday party, but will be studying all weekend for a final. Hope you all have a great time!"

[Anonymous]

I, I, I, me, me, me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You "need to study".

But you have time to "train for a 10k".

I wouldn't find that bullshit convincing if I were your DH.

You’re right, I exercise, study, and work. I run for 30 minutes 3x during the week and an hour on the weekends. Studying takes up time too. I don’t know what that’s hard to understand, that I should have hobbies and pursuits that cut down on the amount of time I have for social obligations?

[Anonymous]

Just go to one family event, his expectations are unreasonable and he will just have to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You "need to study".

But you have time to "train for a 10k".

I wouldn't find that bullshit convincing if I were your DH.

You’re right, I exercise, study, and work. I run for 30 minutes 3x during the week and an hour on the weekends. Studying takes up time too. I don’t know what that’s hard to understand, that I should have hobbies and pursuits that cut down on the amount of time I have for social obligations?

How long is the birthday party?! Assuming 32 awake hours between Saturday and Sunday, even with an extra long two-hour run each day (4 hours total) and 10 hours of studying, still seems you could fit in a 2-hour birthday party.

[Anonymous]

You're going to reach the point I am at, +OP. For years I acceded to DH's unreasonable requests for many hours with family and overnight visits. Now I am done. My kids are out of diapers and long past potty training. I don't need to be there. I'm not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You "need to study".

But you have time to "train for a 10k".

I wouldn't find that bullshit convincing if I were your DH.

You’re right, I exercise, study, and work. I run for 30 minutes 3x during the week and an hour on the weekends. Studying takes up time too. I don’t know what that’s hard to understand, that I should have hobbies and pursuits that cut down on the amount of time I have for social obligations?

How long is the birthday party?! Assuming 32 awake hours between Saturday and Sunday, even with an extra long two-hour run each day (4 hours total) and 10 hours of studying, still seems you could fit in a 2-hour birthday party.

4pm. His family tends to drag on these kind of events, so 4pm means show up at 3 and leave at 7 or 8 after DH has had enough cocktails and spent enough time BS-ing with his entire family.

[Anonymous]

I think you can compromise here and go to both but make it clear to DH that you can't spend all day there and drive separately if you need to go. For the overnight, bring your books with you and study at the Air BNB.

The part about your post that bothers me is that you refer to them as "HIS" family. You married your DH so they are your family too. It seems like DH is trying to include you, which IS reasonable - you are his wife. Given that your family is in another country having a supportive family around seems like a huge plus even though your social tendencies differ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just go to one family event, his expectations are unreasonable and he will just have to deal with it.

+1

doesn't matter if you have to study or not. his expectations are unreasonable. what about time for just you and DH? Is there even any time for that?

[Anonymous]

My family is really close/obnoxiously up each others butts all the time and DH is a super introvert. I have no problem explaining to them "Oh DH couldn't make it this weekend" and that's that. Heck, they are totally fine with it when we visit for a week and DH takes a couple afternoons to himself during our visits to unwind.

It's not awkward to explain at all, he just doesn't want to have to.

[Anonymous]

Know what you want for yourself ahead of time, don't discuss, just matter-of-fact (no drama), mention you are or are not attending. No excuses necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I, I, I, me, me, me

You’re right, OP’s DH is very focused on himself and what he wants.

OP-this seems like a lot of time and you have offered a reasonable compromise. DH will have to come to understand that your marriage is not going to revolve around his family of origin’s social calendar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can compromise here and go to both but make it clear to DH that you can't spend all day there and drive separately if you need to go. For the overnight, bring your books with you and study at the Air BNB.

The part about your post that bothers me is that you refer to them as "HIS" family. You married your DH so they are your family too. It seems like DH is trying to include you, which IS reasonable - you are his wife. Given that your family is in another country having a supportive family around seems like a huge plus even though your social tendencies differ.

Making her feel welcome is reasonable, trying to guilt and coerce her into attending every event when she doesn't want to? Not reasonable.