I am exhausted with the amount of time DH expects me to spend with HIS family.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar situation. I live 1400 miles from my family and see them twice a year. DH's family is an hour away, and they insist on spending every weekend together.

I have a demanding career with lots of travel, I was a national champion athlete and still train and compete, although at a lower level these days, and I have other hobbies I like to do, friends to spend time with. DH's family gets 1 weekend each month, and not ever a weekend after I've been traveling for work. He used to get mad about it. Once I put my foot down for it, he 1. quit pressuring me 2. started telling his family no because he was no longer spending weekends with me.

I'm pushing for us to move away from his family to help even things out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You "need to study".

But you have time to "train for a 10k".

I wouldn't find that bullshit convincing if I were your DH.

You’re right, I exercise, study, and work. I run for 30 minutes 3x during the week and an hour on the weekends. Studying takes up time too. I don’t know what that’s hard to understand, that I should have hobbies and pursuits that cut down on the amount of time I have for social obligations?

It is clear that the main problem is "you don't want to" not "you don't have time".

I agree.

I have a full time job, I coach college XC after work and on the weekends, and I run on my own 6 days a week up to 40 miles per week (I don’t run with the kids). I would say I am more overscheduled than you and I do not feel your DH is unreasonable. It’s one thing to say you just don’t want to or you need some down time. Own it. But don’t give some BS excuse that you don’t have time. You have time. I mean...you’re here on DCUM.

You don’t think three weekends in a month with his family is unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

Outsiders should not be evaluating if the amount of time is reasonable. Op, this is your problem. You don't decide for yourself. Op, your decision is the only one that's important. Decide and act.

[Anonymous]

1- 2 weekends is reasonable. Any more than that, only if you really enjoy spending time with your in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You "need to study".

But you have time to "train for a 10k".

I wouldn't find that bullshit convincing if I were your DH.

You’re right, I exercise, study, and work. I run for 30 minutes 3x during the week and an hour on the weekends. Studying takes up time too. I don’t know what that’s hard to understand, that I should have hobbies and pursuits that cut down on the amount of time I have for social obligations?

How long is the birthday party?! Assuming 32 awake hours between Saturday and Sunday, even with an extra long two-hour run each day (4 hours total) and 10 hours of studying, still seems you could fit in a 2-hour birthday party.

4pm. His family tends to drag on these kind of events, so 4pm means show up at 3 and leave at 7 or 8 after DH has had enough cocktails and spent enough time BS-ing with his entire family.

Asking seriously: Are you DH's designated driver at these events, OP?

Yes.

He comes from a family of alcoholics, within his social group and extended family. Part of the reason why I avoid their get togethers, it’s not fun hanging out with drunk people.

Oh, you buried the lead!

That much time with his alcoholic family during which time he drinks a lot is not good--you and he need to talk about *that.*

Set your own limits, sure, say that you won't go to more than one event a month or so--and then talk with him about the dysfunction in his family.

(*lede)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a similar situation. I live 1400 miles from my family and see them twice a year. DH's family is an hour away, and they insist on spending every weekend together.

I have a demanding career with lots of travel, I was a national champion athlete and still train and compete, although at a lower level these days, and I have other hobbies I like to do, friends to spend time with. DH's family gets 1 weekend each month, and not ever a weekend after I've been traveling for work. He used to get mad about it. Once I put my foot down for it, he 1. quit pressuring me 2. started telling his family no because he was no longer spending weekends with me.

I'm pushing for us to move away from his family to help even things out.

It could be worse. DW's family discusses everything. Some gets a vasectomy, everyone hears about it. I cannot stand it.

[Anonymous]

Oh hell no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can compromise here and go to both but make it clear to DH that you can't spend all day there and drive separately if you need to go. For the overnight, bring your books with you and study at the Air BNB.

The part about your post that bothers me is that you refer to them as "HIS" family. You married your DH so they are your family too. It seems like DH is trying to include you, which IS reasonable - you are his wife. Given that your family is in another country having a supportive family around seems like a huge plus even though your social tendencies differ.

No, his family is not her family. It sounds like OP doesn't have enough time in her schedule to reasonably accomplish the things she is doing for herself (school, 10k) and those things should not be pushed aside in favor of visiting someone else's family that she does not want to visit.

I'm with you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You "need to study".

But you have time to "train for a 10k".

I wouldn't find that bullshit convincing if I were your DH.

You’re right, I exercise, study, and work. I run for 30 minutes 3x during the week and an hour on the weekends. Studying takes up time too. I don’t know what that’s hard to understand, that I should have hobbies and pursuits that cut down on the amount of time I have for social obligations?

OMG please do not have children. You have no idea what compromise might be, and you’ll surely be buried when kids come along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You "need to study".

But you have time to "train for a 10k".

I wouldn't find that bullshit convincing if I were your DH.

You’re right, I exercise, study, and work. I run for 30 minutes 3x during the week and an hour on the weekends. Studying takes up time too. I don’t know what that’s hard to understand, that I should have hobbies and pursuits that cut down on the amount of time I have for social obligations?

OMG please do not have children. You have no idea what compromise might be, and you’ll surely be buried when kids come along.

This is why I’m doing the things I want to do before I have kids.

I’m aware life changes after children.