Sister in Law is a jerk. How do I get out of spending time with her?

[Anonymous]

My sister in law has been rude for years to us. Her family is a mess with two kids out of work and none who graduated college and she is jealous now of anyone with any success. She keeps everything about her family hidden from us but then tries to cut down us as much as she can. Our family has its issues like any family and we are honest about them but at the same time, I don't want to hear about them all the time either and the thing is she won't really talk to us in-between her accusations. We come up several times a year to visit and are as kind as can be despite her poor behavior towards us. But now her kids are grown and it's just her, her husband, and my husband's mother who lives with them at the house and doesn't speak English. While I put no blame on the mother, I can't talk to her, so every time we visit there is a lot of awkward silence. Lately though they've been working while we've come up which is just as well. Recently, the mother wanted to come for our son's communion so we had them all stay at our house. The sister was a complete jerk the whole weekend. She constantly criticized us, criticized my own mother several times who hosted a party for everyone. At the party she never said a word except a couple of curt accusations and then came home and said how bored she was after we spent over 3 hours trying to be friendly to her. I feel anxious and miserable every time I think of spending more time with her, but we have a summer vacation visit scheduled soon. Is it possible to somehow break up with this sister in law while not hurting my husband's relationship with them and my children's relationship with them? I'm perfectly happy having them travel up without me to visit. Or is it just better to make it through another five to ten years before the mother dies and hope they are working when we come up? By then my kids will be adults as well and my husband can just travel up when he wants to.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound like either of you is getting anything out of the visits, so I would suggest that you just make other plans. If it is important for your husband to take your kids, let him do that, but definitely expect his sister to comment on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't sound like either of you is getting anything out of the visits, so I would suggest that you just make other plans. If it is important for your husband to take your kids, let him do that, but definitely expect his sister to comment on it.

No. We are not getting anything out of the time spent together. At this point I really have no respect for her and she has no respect for us. I doubt she will be happy either way though. I'll do whatever is best for the kids and my husband whether that means going up with them or staying back. But I'm now having already to keep up 75% of the conversations at the house when we visit. My husband also barely says anything to his family when we visit making it even more awkward. So there really is nothing more I can do. I'm not part of their ethnic background and that probably is the crux of their issue with our family and that's never going to change.

[Anonymous]

I also apparently am a bad sister in law because we didn't move our family back to live near them. My husband moved down near me to get a job when he was out of work up there and we met down here. I'm an only child and don't want to leave my mom alone. So that will never change either.

[Anonymous]

Disengage and go else where. Invite his mother alone. Stand up for yourself if you have to be with her. E.g., she says something mean to your mother, you call her out. She is rude to you, you call her out. Stare her in the eye. Stop being a door mat.

[Anonymous]

The other problem is that my husband a couple of years ago borrowed some money with high interest that I didn't know about (to help our family but still he should have been honest) and my mom had to bail us out. We were overspending and I guess he tried to help in his way, but should have been honest with me knowing what the problem was. His family is not used to being honest. I have no idea their take on that situation although they were not involved in helping at all. We almost got divorced over it. I've forgiven him but things have been more tense over the past two years since that happened. If we do get divorced I don't want his family to be involved in coercing anyone. I want it to be our decision to stay together or separate. They are manipulative though.

[Anonymous]

You are a rambling mess. Go see a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disengage and go else where. Invite his mother alone. Stand up for yourself if you have to be with her. E.g., she says something mean to your mother, you call her out. She is rude to you, you call her out. Stare her in the eye. Stop being a door mat.

The mother lives with the sister. And at this time needs help getting around since she's in her 80's. I'm not trying to intentionally be mean to anyone. But neither of us are getting anything out of these visits and I can tell it's a strain for her as it is for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are a rambling mess. Go see a therapist.

Sis in law. So glad you could join us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a rambling mess. Go see a therapist.

Sis in law. So glad you could join us.

Not your SIL, but annoyed by you too. What do your money problems and debt to your mother have to do with your SIL? You sound nutty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other problem is that my husband a couple of years ago borrowed some money with high interest that I didn't know about (to help our family but still he should have been honest) and my mom had to bail us out. We were overspending and I guess he tried to help in his way, but should have been honest with me knowing what the problem was. His family is not used to being honest. I have no idea their take on that situation although they were not involved in helping at all. We almost got divorced over it. I've forgiven him but things have been more tense over the past two years since that happened. If we do get divorced I don't want his family to be involved in coercing anyone. I want it to be our decision to stay together or separate. They are manipulative though.

I don't see what that has to do with anything in the current situation, OP. You and your husband have marital problems, but your SIL seems like the type who would definitely mention the money problems if she knew about them, so maybe assume that she does not know about them. If you divorce your husband, expect his family to be exactly as unpleasant as they are now, except you'll have to deal with them less and can be forgiven for not attending family events.

In your situation, I would identify holidays which you cannot skip (Christmas, Thanksgiving) and see them only on those occasions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The other problem is that my husband a couple of years ago borrowed some money with high interest that I didn't know about (to help our family but still he should have been honest) and my mom had to bail us out. We were overspending and I guess he tried to help in his way, but should have been honest with me knowing what the problem was. His family is not used to being honest. I have no idea their take on that situation although they were not involved in helping at all. We almost got divorced over it. I've forgiven him but things have been more tense over the past two years since that happened. If we do get divorced I don't want his family to be involved in coercing anyone. I want it to be our decision to stay together or separate. They are manipulative though.

I don't see what that has to do with anything in the current situation, OP. You and your husband have marital problems, but your SIL seems like the type who would definitely mention the money problems if she knew about them, so maybe assume that she does not know about them. If you divorce your husband, expect his family to be exactly as unpleasant as they are now, except you'll have to deal with them less and can be forgiven for not attending family events.

In your situation, I would identify holidays which you cannot skip (Christmas, Thanksgiving) and see them only on those occasions.

We only see them twice a year typically. Which is why I'm just wondering if I put up with the behavior for another 10 years before the mom dies. It's only about 6 days a year that we see them. The family knows about the monetary issues. Just saying they are the type of family who blames everyone else except themselves. So in that situation I can just see them blaming me verses their son. They are that type of family that just twists situations in a way to make them come out just fine.

[Anonymous]

Does your husband share your feelings about her?
If I were you I would bow out of most visits, maybe only going once for every 3 visits. But it helps if you and your husband are on the same page.

[Anonymous]

I get about 14 days of actual vacation time so about 1/2 of my vacation is taken up seeing them. I probably need to make it through about 2 month's worth of time with them over the rest of my life which I could get through. I just think neither of us is enjoying the time and am wondering if there's a better option for both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband share your feelings about her?
If I were you I would bow out of most visits, maybe only going once for every 3 visits. But it helps if you and your husband are on the same page.

He's loyal to his mom and sister. He's a quiet person and can be rude himself. He realizes how they are treating us, but if pressed he'd just get defensive.