Sister in Law is a jerk. How do I get out of spending time with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband share your feelings about her?
If I were you I would bow out of most visits, maybe only going once for every 3 visits. But it helps if you and your husband are on the same page.

He's loyal to his mom and sister. He's a quiet person and can be rude himself. He realizes how they are treating us, but if pressed he'd just get defensive.

Loyalty to his mom makes sense but loyalty to his sister, especially if she treats you all poorly, is problematic and doesn't bode well for you taking any big stands against her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are a rambling mess. Go see a therapist.

NP here. People like you are such assholes. Why do you come to the Family Rel board just to slam people down?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband share your feelings about her?
If I were you I would bow out of most visits, maybe only going once for every 3 visits. But it helps if you and your husband are on the same page.

He's loyal to his mom and sister. He's a quiet person and can be rude himself. He realizes how they are treating us, but if pressed he'd just get defensive.

Loyalty to his mom makes sense but loyalty to his sister, especially if she treats you all poorly, is problematic and doesn't bode well for you taking any big stands against her.

Agreed. I think I'm just mad that this time she not only criticized me but my mom as well. My mom has done nothing except be generous to them. The sister in law criticized the food at the party, the conversation which she did not bother to contribute to, and then told my mom she was offended by the way my mom offered to take a photo of their family and how they didn't sit the way she wanted us to at the communion. She's just an unhappy critical person. My mom also has been alone some Christmases because they insist that we visit them at Christmas. So it's hard to justify to my mom why we spend Christmas with them other than they are just so much more needy and demanding. We live near my mom though so I think my mom is ok with it. They are of course jealous of that fact although I have no idea why they'd want to spend more time with us.

[Anonymous]

Listen, you see her 6 day a year and you're all in knots over it? You need to learn to let things go (and you bringing up the money thing shows me that you are not very good at letting go - as do the digs at SIL about her kids etc).

Remember that mantra that you can't control others - but you can control how YOU react to others.

There are a few threads here on "gray rock" - do a search and find them.

And then develop some sort of mindfulness practice. You have to go there, it's not an excessive burden to go see your aging MIL, so your husband can spend time with his mom and your kids can develop relationships with their grandmother. So figure out what you DO like about the visit - is it a nice place to walk? Can you bring a book? And just zen out. Ignore any comments. Change your perception around slights. Live YOUR life, be secure in your life, and stop caring about what your SIL may (or may not!) think about it. Just let all that baggage go.

For 6 day a year you can surely give this gift to your husband? With no strings attached?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The other problem is that my husband a couple of years ago borrowed some money with high interest that I didn't know about (to help our family but still he should have been honest) and my mom had to bail us out. We were overspending and I guess he tried to help in his way, but should have been honest with me knowing what the problem was. His family is not used to being honest. I have no idea their take on that situation although they were not involved in helping at all. We almost got divorced over it. I've forgiven him but things have been more tense over the past two years since that happened. If we do get divorced I don't want his family to be involved in coercing anyone. I want it to be our decision to stay together or separate. They are manipulative though.

I don't see what that has to do with anything in the current situation, OP. You and your husband have marital problems, but your SIL seems like the type who would definitely mention the money problems if she knew about them, so maybe assume that she does not know about them. If you divorce your husband, expect his family to be exactly as unpleasant as they are now, except you'll have to deal with them less and can be forgiven for not attending family events.

In your situation, I would identify holidays which you cannot skip (Christmas, Thanksgiving) and see them only on those occasions.

We only see them twice a year typically. Which is why I'm just wondering if I put up with the behavior for another 10 years before the mom dies. It's only about 6 days a year that we see them. The family knows about the monetary issues. Just saying they are the type of family who blames everyone else except themselves. So in that situation I can just see them blaming me verses their son. They are that type of family that just twists situations in a way to make them come out just fine.

I think that I personally could suck it up for 6 days a year to see family, if only because I love my husband and me not going would result in him having to talk about why I wasn't there, likely getting crap for not making me be there and/or marrying me in the first place, etc. I think you should just resign yourself to recognizing that his family is going to take his side, even when he's wrong, and try not to care what they think about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen, you see her 6 day a year and you're all in knots over it? You need to learn to let things go (and you bringing up the money thing shows me that you are not very good at letting go - as do the digs at SIL about her kids etc).

Remember that mantra that you can't control others - but you can control how YOU react to others.

There are a few threads here on "gray rock" - do a search and find them.

And then develop some sort of mindfulness practice. You have to go there, it's not an excessive burden to go see your aging MIL, so your husband can spend time with his mom and your kids can develop relationships with their grandmother. So figure out what you DO like about the visit - is it a nice place to walk? Can you bring a book? And just zen out. Ignore any comments. Change your perception around slights. Live YOUR life, be secure in your life, and stop caring about what your SIL may (or may not!) think about it. Just let all that baggage go.

For 6 day a year you can surely give this gift to your husband? With no strings attached?

You are right. I am not good at letting things go. Although the kids now live at home with the sister and we see them at dinner and lunch every time we go up there. They have no jobs. So it's not like I can just forget about them. They are in my face all the time. The kids actually make it bearable since they talk to us.

It's actually probably more like 8-10 days a year, but only 6 days of vacation time.

Christmas I stayed back 3 days while my husband went up early and then only stayed 3 days with them. I think we'll do that from now on. And then for the summer, I'll just put up with it. The summer is a little easier since the weather is better and we aren't stuck in the house the whole time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The other problem is that my husband a couple of years ago borrowed some money with high interest that I didn't know about (to help our family but still he should have been honest) and my mom had to bail us out. We were overspending and I guess he tried to help in his way, but should have been honest with me knowing what the problem was. His family is not used to being honest. I have no idea their take on that situation although they were not involved in helping at all. We almost got divorced over it. I've forgiven him but things have been more tense over the past two years since that happened. If we do get divorced I don't want his family to be involved in coercing anyone. I want it to be our decision to stay together or separate. They are manipulative though.

I don't see what that has to do with anything in the current situation, OP. You and your husband have marital problems, but your SIL seems like the type who would definitely mention the money problems if she knew about them, so maybe assume that she does not know about them. If you divorce your husband, expect his family to be exactly as unpleasant as they are now, except you'll have to deal with them less and can be forgiven for not attending family events.

In your situation, I would identify holidays which you cannot skip (Christmas, Thanksgiving) and see them only on those occasions.

We only see them twice a year typically. Which is why I'm just wondering if I put up with the behavior for another 10 years before the mom dies. It's only about 6 days a year that we see them. The family knows about the monetary issues. Just saying they are the type of family who blames everyone else except themselves. So in that situation I can just see them blaming me verses their son. They are that type of family that just twists situations in a way to make them come out just fine.

I think that I personally could suck it up for 6 days a year to see family, if only because I love my husband and me not going would result in him having to talk about why I wasn't there, likely getting crap for not making me be there and/or marrying me in the first place, etc. I think you should just resign yourself to recognizing that his family is going to take his side, even when he's wrong, and try not to care what they think about you.

I don't think they take his side either. They aren't as friendly to him anymore since he married me. Just when pressed they would take his side or be manipulative about a situation. They are really just into themselves and don't think about others. We've never mentioned the money issue. I just have seen them turn many situations in life including ones about me in their favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The other problem is that my husband a couple of years ago borrowed some money with high interest that I didn't know about (to help our family but still he should have been honest) and my mom had to bail us out. We were overspending and I guess he tried to help in his way, but should have been honest with me knowing what the problem was. His family is not used to being honest. I have no idea their take on that situation although they were not involved in helping at all. We almost got divorced over it. I've forgiven him but things have been more tense over the past two years since that happened. If we do get divorced I don't want his family to be involved in coercing anyone. I want it to be our decision to stay together or separate. They are manipulative though.

I don't see what that has to do with anything in the current situation, OP. You and your husband have marital problems, but your SIL seems like the type who would definitely mention the money problems if she knew about them, so maybe assume that she does not know about them. If you divorce your husband, expect his family to be exactly as unpleasant as they are now, except you'll have to deal with them less and can be forgiven for not attending family events.

In your situation, I would identify holidays which you cannot skip (Christmas, Thanksgiving) and see them only on those occasions.

We only see them twice a year typically. Which is why I'm just wondering if I put up with the behavior for another 10 years before the mom dies. It's only about 6 days a year that we see them. The family knows about the monetary issues. Just saying they are the type of family who blames everyone else except themselves. So in that situation I can just see them blaming me verses their son. They are that type of family that just twists situations in a way to make them come out just fine.

I think that I personally could suck it up for 6 days a year to see family, if only because I love my husband and me not going would result in him having to talk about why I wasn't there, likely getting crap for not making me be there and/or marrying me in the first place, etc. I think you should just resign yourself to recognizing that his family is going to take his side, even when he's wrong, and try not to care what they think about you.

I don't think they take his side either. They aren't as friendly to him anymore since he married me. Just when pressed they would take his side or be manipulative about a situation. They are really just into themselves and don't think about others. We've never mentioned the money issue. I just have seen them turn many situations in life including ones about me in their favor.

OP, you are REALLY hung up on this.

What have these people done that has actually impacted your life, aside from being unpleasant company for, at most, 2 weeks of the year? They were not the ones who racked up a huge amount of debt. They are not the ones who lost your trust. It sounds like you are pissed at your husband and the behavior of his family is a side issue that is easier for you to process emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Nothing. They are just unpleasant. And it's obvious it causes the sister strain to be around us. I've dealt with it for 15 years. I can deal with it for another 10. I just felt it more acutely when they were mean to my mom. And the way things are set up now, my mom also sees them once a year and I hate for her to have to deal with them too. But it's only 2 days out of her life as well.

Grey Rock. Thanks for the suggestion.
https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/6158/gray-rock-method-dealing-narcissist/

[Anonymous]

And you are right, their behavior mimics the parts of my husband's behavior that I don't like so it feeds my insecurity towards him. But he is a good person overall and they haven't actually tried to hurt us or anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a rambling mess. Go see a therapist.

NP here. People like you are such assholes. Why do you come to the Family Rel board just to slam people down?

Then tell Jeff to take it off Recent topics. The real question is, why do dysfunctional people like the OP always blame other people when it comes to family conflicts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a rambling mess. Go see a therapist.

NP here. People like you are such assholes. Why do you come to the Family Rel board just to slam people down?

Then tell Jeff to take it off Recent topics. The real question is, why do dysfunctional people like the OP always blame other people when it comes to family conflicts?

Love it how someone I don't know at all tells me that I'm dysfunctional when they are on a family relationships board trolling it.

[Anonymous]

BTW, no one is placing blame on the sister for the situation. We just don't get along and I think she's rude. In fact no one at the party had anything positive to say about her. I was just thinking it might be better for both her and our family if my husband visits them on his own somehow. But it would just cause too much turmoil for a short period of time. I will just be a grey rock and she'll have to deal with it.

I get along with my family just great. We are a lot of fun and all the in laws say they like our family better than their own to hang with. I guess I just was surprised to marry into a completely different very private and critical family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a rambling mess. Go see a therapist.

NP here. People like you are such assholes. Why do you come to the Family Rel board just to slam people down?

Then tell Jeff to take it off Recent topics. The real question is, why do dysfunctional people like the OP always blame other people when it comes to family conflicts?

Love it how someone I don't know at all tells me that I'm dysfunctional when they are on a family relationships board trolling it.

We can tell from your many posts that you have lots of issues, sweetie.

[Anonymous]

Well you have more.