Mother-in-law is back
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Anonymous
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For the last year, the mother-in-law has been out of the picture. There was a falling out, the mother-in-law cussed everybody out. She Has a past of being very controlling, and very manipulative, and generally not good for my spouse, and Has proven so in past relationships, to what I understand.
For The first time ever, my spouse stood up to my mother-in-law, and stood up for me. However I know that he misses his mom. His mom called last night and apologized to him and me, but not directly. Apparently she is ill now, and not doing well. I am willing to forgive, because it is the right thing to do, however I am very very skeptical about letting them back into our lives, just because of how she is. I’m willing to forgive but keep my distance. I’m not sure that actually makes him happy, but I am trying to be protective of our family. What do I do? |
Anonymous
| If you are willing to give her a chance, start slowly and try some contact. An apology is a rare thing from a MIL! You and DH should agree on warning signs and what the bad pattern looks like before you start so that you can pull out before you get too far down a dangerous rabbit hole with her. |
Anonymous
| I have a difficult mil, and I basically let dh handle her. He takes the kids to see her on his own. It works for us. |
Anonymous
| What does it mean that she apologized but not directly? |
Anonymous
Husband is out of town on business, and the mother called, and apologize to him, and to me,through him. |
Anonymous
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We have a similar situation. After countless bouts of overreacting and manipulating, I no longer visit alone with MIL, and keep actual visits to a minimum, as in, major events and holidays and other obligatory visits.
My husband, for whatever reason, loves his mother unconditionally. He’s conditioned to accept the abuse. However, I’m not. I no longer feel anything towards my MIL. I’d never keep my husband from her, but I limit the access my children have alone with her as she’s tried manipulating them. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thanks. This is where I am. I really am working on my forgiveness with her, but my suspicious mind is wondering what she really wants, and I hate to think this way, especially if she really is sick. |
Anonymous
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You can forgive, but I don't think you need to forget. It's ok to move past whatever happened at The Big Fallout. But chances are pretty low she's changed her stripes at all.
Which is fine. But I'd go into every interaction with that in mind. Stay guarded and spend small amounts of time at first. She needs to build some trust back up. If she can't get through short, low stress interactions without drama, it's time to step back again. |
Anonymous
I was told this, and I remind myself often: We are all in control of our own behavior. Everyone acts poorly from time to time, but we recognize it either while we are going it, or afterwards, and we apologize, or take action to change it. To claim someone should be “allowed” to act poorly because of illness (mental or otherwise) is incorrect. If someone is so out of touch with reality that they no longer know right from wrong, perhaps they should be institutionalized. We all know they don’t really need institutionalization, they know exactly what they are doing, they are just using their illness as an excuse. And we don’t have to tolerate it. |
Anonymous
This is good advice, OP, but I'd say it largely applies to your husband. You can keep your distance but support him if he wants to see her. Advise him as above -- see your mom, but spend small amounts of time and see if you feel she is sincerely rebuilding trust with you, DH. If it gets dramatic, have somewhere else you need to be. He should always have an "out" he can use: "I need to go see cousin X, I said I'd go over there" if mom lives out of town, or "I'm taking the kids to event Y tonight" if she's local. You, OP, don't have to see her at all, or can see her in even smaller increments, but to me your main role would be acting as DH's sounding board and backing him up in what HE wants to do regarding his mother. If he wants to see her, it might be best for him to see her one on one without you, or if she especially wants to see you and you kids if there are kids--then arrange specific outings, rather than just hanging out at her house, or having her hang out at your house. Find a neutral "third place" you can leave naturally and easily: A meal out followed by ice cream with the kids can end very naturally with, "The kids have a big day at school/church/whatever tomorrow, so we'll need to head out in half an hour," for instance. Sure, MIL could be faking the fact she's sick. Or she actually could be sick. Short of asking her to present evidence, you can't really know, and if she is not well and DH ices her out, well, that is something he'll have to live with either way, whether he's OK with it or regrets it. I would just give the benefit of the doubt, assume that the apology is sincere, and let DH take the lead on how much he sees her and in what circumstances. Better to take the high road and say, "Apology accepted," even if she's being dramatic or fake, than to ignore it (or worse, not tell DH she called to apologize) and then find out later she did mean it, or was actually ill. |
Anonymous
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I think you will be infinitely better of in letting DH decide how much and how often he wants to interact with his mother.
Given her failing health, the last thing you want to do is become some obstacle for him to reconcile within HIMSELF whatever relationship he is to have with HIS mom. The fact that you say you hesitate to "let them back in our lives" - I'm not sure if you mean the kids or simply that you're acting as some form of gatekeeper - which would not be right. If you want to maintain distance yourself and perhaps your kids due to toxicity or whatever else that's one thing - but don't keep DH from his mom. I had a toxic relationship with my father. I was able to manage that as an adult on my terms prior to his death. It made life easier. |
Anonymous
| I assume Jack Nicholson plays the role of the MIL in this remake of ‘The Shining’? |
Anonymous
Jesus H Christ, DCUM at its best. |
Anonymous
| There was just a thread that I think you should read along similar lines. Blowup with inlaws, now the inlaws were coming to visit, how should the DIL act. There was good advice about being polite, friendly, but distant. |
Anonymous
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here's one thread:
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/719834.page And here' the other: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/718792.page |