Playing "dumb and cheery/happy" with in laws

[Anonymous]

How do you do this? I've read this advice before when people (including myself) talk about drama with in laws such as passive aggressiveness, comments about their spending too much time with "my" family, must be nice to travel so much, etc. Or even outright rude comments or actions such as not acknowledging me, talking behind my back or doing something hurtful and not acknowledging it, etc. Can you give examples of how to act "dumb and cheery"? What do you say or do when these examples I've described occur?

[Anonymous]

OP, I had an epiphany a few years ago that I get to decide what I care about. I know that sounds really dumb, but it was really liberating.

It might take some practice, so start small. The next time your ILs do something hurtful or insensitive or whatever, ask yourself if you want to make the choice to care about it. Assuming the ILs don't do something dangerous or terribly egregious, you really can make the decision not to care. Once you make that decision, then you'll naturally act accordingly.

Just keep practicing and before you know it, you'll be choosing to react to only those things that you want to care about.

Good luck; I know IL relationships can be difficult.

[Anonymous]

I say nothing, I do nothing. My in-laws are nice people, my family is a bunch of gossiping, backstabbing drama queens.

I make comments in my head, to myself, and try to make it a game. So many points for talking behind back, rolling eyes, comments about appearance, comments about diet, insults about career choices, etc..

I see them as little as possible, only when there is a big family event. I do not encourage communication at all, only gives them more fodder to talk trash behind my back.

[Anonymous]

If I suspect a barb or passive-aggressive behavior, I just answer as if they were speaking politely. So something like, "Oh, I see you went to Florida to see your parents AGAIN, Donna. It must be nice to travel so much." I would just say, "Yes, Larlo loves spending time with my parents, and we all love the beach!"

Talking behind my back and "harmless" hurtful stuff, I just pretend I don't notice at all, which is pretty much the worst punishment for that type of bad behavior.

Any direct challenge, I will take on. If they were to, say, say something rude about my parents, I would say, "I am so hurt that you would say that about my parents, June, and I'd appreciate an apology." No emotion, no drama, no histrionics, just a point-blank, calm delivery.

[Anonymous]

And, like the pp, my life has become way easier now that I have decided not to care about what my own family does or says. Essentially, that is what I have done as well.

[Anonymous]

The dumb is another way of saying “disengaged.” This advice doesn’t work for ILs who are openly hostile, but for most families passive aggression is how people are mean to one another in person. That means that the literal words they said are not hurtful, only the context and subtext make it hurtful or critical.

The advice to “act dumb” is another way of saying that you should be deliberately obtuse and refuse to see/hear/acknowledge any negative subtext. It robs the passive agressor of their power, because PA is meant to hurt your feelings while maintaining plausible deniability (“All I said was...”). If you refuse to respond to the subtext, then one of two things will happen: they will stand there and look baffled and the conversation moves on, or they will escalate into open hostility and reveal themselves. In the first case, it keeps things pleasant enough that your kids and spouse can enjoy time with these family members even if you don’t. In the second case, it may ruin the event but in such a way that you are not viewed as the bad guy. If you go the traditional route of responding to each PA comment, you run into situations where YOU look like the jerk.

The “cheery” part is again about managing how YOU look to your spouse, kids and other family members. If you give flat or grumpy sounding responses then it seems plausible that you may be antagonizing the problem IL. If you are consistently a ray of sunshine, then the problem IL looks like they are insane when they take umbrage at your *perfectly innocent* reply ro their literal questions/comments.

So:

“What an interesting dress.”
Responding to subtext: “What is that supposed to mean?”
Responding to literal meaning: “Oh thanks! It’s really fun, isn’t it?”

You’re still giving Larla breast milk?
Responding to subtext: “Our pediatrician says it’s fine and please don’t question our choices.”
Responding to literal meaning: “Yep.”

You are so lucky to have a husband who makes dinner every Friday. How nice of him to slave over a hot stove every single week. I always had dinner on the table when I was raising my kids.
Responding to subtext: “Just because you were a slave to your children doesn’t mean it’s right.”
Responding to literal meaning: “Really? What did you like to cook?”

[Anonymous]

See them less

Don’t discuss anything at all. You don’t talk unless spoken to, and then you act cheerful about everything that is said.

If you do say anything, it’s only regarding your immediate surroundings (e.g., weather, food you’re eating).

You don’t ask them questions or show interest in their lives or try to connect. You say very little.

This defies everything I’ve ever known about how to be a good guest, but it works with my in laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dumb is another way of saying “disengaged.” This advice doesn’t work for ILs who are openly hostile, but for most families passive aggression is how people are mean to one another in person. That means that the literal words they said are not hurtful, only the context and subtext make it hurtful or critical.

The advice to “act dumb” is another way of saying that you should be deliberately obtuse and refuse to see/hear/acknowledge any negative subtext. It robs the passive agressor of their power, because PA is meant to hurt your feelings while maintaining plausible deniability (“All I said was...”). If you refuse to respond to the subtext, then one of two things will happen: they will stand there and look baffled and the conversation moves on, or they will escalate into open hostility and reveal themselves. In the first case, it keeps things pleasant enough that your kids and spouse can enjoy time with these family members even if you don’t. In the second case, it may ruin the event but in such a way that you are not viewed as the bad guy. If you go the traditional route of responding to each PA comment, you run into situations where YOU look like the jerk.

The “cheery” part is again about managing how YOU look to your spouse, kids and other family members. If you give flat or grumpy sounding responses then it seems plausible that you may be antagonizing the problem IL. If you are consistently a ray of sunshine, then the problem IL looks like they are insane when they take umbrage at your *perfectly innocent* reply ro their literal questions/comments.

So:

“What an interesting dress.”
Responding to subtext: “What is that supposed to mean?”
Responding to literal meaning: “Oh thanks! It’s really fun, isn’t it?”

You’re still giving Larla breast milk?
Responding to subtext: “Our pediatrician says it’s fine and please don’t question our choices.”
Responding to literal meaning: “Yep.”

You are so lucky to have a husband who makes dinner every Friday. How nice of him to slave over a hot stove every single week. I always had dinner on the table when I was raising my kids.
Responding to subtext: “Just because you were a slave to your children doesn’t mean it’s right.”
Responding to literal meaning: “Really? What did you like to cook?”

This! Kill them with bland kindness.

[Anonymous]

I put up with it for a while. Sit, smile, nod, try to make conversation, put up with strange ideas without them affecting me too much.

But then when their strange ideas went into the realm of quite disrespectful to us then I just shut it down (stuff like guilting us into staying there although they knew we didn't want to and then waking us up super early banging around to rearrange furniture in the next room that they think would look nicer in another configuration, and then acting fake surprised when it wakes us up).

We gave them a choice to treat us with respect or have no contact. They refused to apologize for anything, refused to treat us appropriately, and so we cut them off.

So much less drama this way.

[Anonymous]

Are you getting a sense yet of how to do it, OP? When you make a game of it, an acting job, it helps you stay detached and "in character." At the same time, limit your interactions and don't give out information of any kind.

[Anonymous]

If being "dumb and cheery" were an Olympic sport, I would be a Gold medalist. However, I have found that it really doesn't work that well against passive-aggressive behavior or backstabbing behavior. You have to have an internal reservoir of calm or just not give a crap to deal with that. Like, the hurtful behavior has to actually not bother you, because passive aggressive behavior is designed to slowly get under your skin until you finally explode. The passive aggressive person is patiently waiting for you to lose it. Dumb and cheery works against outright aggression, because how can you be aggressive with someone who is cheerful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The dumb is another way of saying “disengaged.” This advice doesn’t work for ILs who are openly hostile, but for most families passive aggression is how people are mean to one another in person. That means that the literal words they said are not hurtful, only the context and subtext make it hurtful or critical.

The advice to “act dumb” is another way of saying that you should be deliberately obtuse and refuse to see/hear/acknowledge any negative subtext. It robs the passive agressor of their power, because PA is meant to hurt your feelings while maintaining plausible deniability (“All I said was...”). If you refuse to respond to the subtext, then one of two things will happen: they will stand there and look baffled and the conversation moves on, or they will escalate into open hostility and reveal themselves. In the first case, it keeps things pleasant enough that your kids and spouse can enjoy time with these family members even if you don’t. In the second case, it may ruin the event but in such a way that you are not viewed as the bad guy. If you go the traditional route of responding to each PA comment, you run into situations where YOU look like the jerk.

The “cheery” part is again about managing how YOU look to your spouse, kids and other family members. If you give flat or grumpy sounding responses then it seems plausible that you may be antagonizing the problem IL. If you are consistently a ray of sunshine, then the problem IL looks like they are insane when they take umbrage at your *perfectly innocent* reply ro their literal questions/comments.

So:

“What an interesting dress.”
Responding to subtext: “What is that supposed to mean?”
Responding to literal meaning: “Oh thanks! It’s really fun, isn’t it?”

You’re still giving Larla breast milk?
Responding to subtext: “Our pediatrician says it’s fine and please don’t question our choices.”
Responding to literal meaning: “Yep.”

You are so lucky to have a husband who makes dinner every Friday. How nice of him to slave over a hot stove every single week. I always had dinner on the table when I was raising my kids.
Responding to subtext: “Just because you were a slave to your children doesn’t mean it’s right.”
Responding to literal meaning: “Really? What did you like to cook?”

This! Kill them with bland kindness.

+1
This is my modus operandi too for all similar friends and family drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If being "dumb and cheery" were an Olympic sport, I would be a Gold medalist. However, I have found that it really doesn't work that well against passive-aggressive behavior or backstabbing behavior. You have to have an internal reservoir of calm or just not give a crap to deal with that. Like, the hurtful behavior has to actually not bother you, because passive aggressive behavior is designed to slowly get under your skin until you finally explode. The passive aggressive person is patiently waiting for you to lose it. Dumb and cheery works against outright aggression, because how can you be aggressive with someone who is cheerful?

In these cases, it’s important to remember that not reacting is the best punishment for people spoiling for a reaction/drama.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you! This is so helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dumb is another way of saying “disengaged.” This advice doesn’t work for ILs who are openly hostile, but for most families passive aggression is how people are mean to one another in person. That means that the literal words they said are not hurtful, only the context and subtext make it hurtful or critical.

The advice to “act dumb” is another way of saying that you should be deliberately obtuse and refuse to see/hear/acknowledge any negative subtext. It robs the passive agressor of their power, because PA is meant to hurt your feelings while maintaining plausible deniability (“All I said was...”). If you refuse to respond to the subtext, then one of two things will happen: they will stand there and look baffled and the conversation moves on, or they will escalate into open hostility and reveal themselves. In the first case, it keeps things pleasant enough that your kids and spouse can enjoy time with these family members even if you don’t. In the second case, it may ruin the event but in such a way that you are not viewed as the bad guy. If you go the traditional route of responding to each PA comment, you run into situations where YOU look like the jerk.

The “cheery” part is again about managing how YOU look to your spouse, kids and other family members. If you give flat or grumpy sounding responses then it seems plausible that you may be antagonizing the problem IL. If you are consistently a ray of sunshine, then the problem IL looks like they are insane when they take umbrage at your *perfectly innocent* reply ro their literal questions/comments.

So:

“What an interesting dress.”
Responding to subtext: “What is that supposed to mean?”
Responding to literal meaning: “Oh thanks! It’s really fun, isn’t it?”

You’re still giving Larla breast milk?
Responding to subtext: “Our pediatrician says it’s fine and please don’t question our choices.”
Responding to literal meaning: “Yep.”

You are so lucky to have a husband who makes dinner every Friday. How nice of him to slave over a hot stove every single week. I always had dinner on the table when I was raising my kids.
Responding to subtext: “Just because you were a slave to your children doesn’t mean it’s right.”
Responding to literal meaning: “Really? What did you like to cook?”

This is exactly how you do it. In fact, this is what I did last Christmas. My ILs could have died. In the weeks after the holiday, they tried to tell my dh about how I was the problem, but they couldn't come up with any real examples of what I had done or said that was a problem, because they were the ones being assholes and I didn't take the bait. My responses didn't feed into their nastiness. For example, my sil grabbed my dd's reborn-like babydoll and went on and on about how ugly the doll was and she couldn't believe that someone (me) would waste their money on such a horrible looking thing and kept saying, "Oh my God, who actually paid money for this trash!?". All of this in front of my dd who still believes in Santa. Yes, she is a miserable bitch. My response was this:. Oh, I just think she's the cutest babydoll I've ever seen. You know, I actually think she looks uncannily similar to dd. Dd just loves her so much. Santa got it perfect this time, with my help of course!

Though it was grating that night, I feel accomplished and so good about how I handled myself to this day. It's almost like it reset the course of my relationship with them. Before I never responded to the snubs and other negativity now I'm sure they don't want to be put on the spot like that so they avoid me, which is great.