If your arrangement is to not with inlaws without your spouse

[Anonymous]

To those of you who deal with toxic inlaws and no longer visit without your spouse (their child) present, how do you handle kid events? Our kid has a school music concert in a couple weeks and my husband can’t get out of a work obligation, so he won’t attend. It will be the first event since we had the toxic blowup that prompted this new arrangement. I’d like to invite my parents, and wouldn’t mind ILs coming IF my husband was going, but since he isn’t, I don’t want to have to deal with them, my parents (who ILs are jealous of), AND his parents. So, what do you do?

[Anonymous]

Are both sets of Grandparents local?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are both sets of Grandparents local?

They are.

[Anonymous]

So, don't invite them. Toxic behavior has consequences

[Anonymous]

Do the IL already know about the concert, OP? If not, and you are certain they won't "find out" by driving by and seeing the sign on the marquee or by your DC letting it slip, then I wouldn't torture yourself over it.

But if you think there is a chance they would find out, this will just be one more thing for them to be "hurt" and "offended" about when you could just suck it up and tell them about it. Just have your DH send an email: "Hi Mom and Dad, Larlo's band concert is Friday night at 7pm at the school. I won't be able to make it due to a work obligation, but we wanted to let you know about it in case you were able to attend. Seating shouldn't be an issue if you arrive about 15 minutes ahead of time."
This way, you don't have to talk to them directly and it is not implied that you would need to save them seats or sit with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, don't invite them. Toxic behavior has consequences

+1

If they find out, I'd be straight up about it. Get DH to say that you won't be attending events with them without DH present. Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do the IL already know about the concert, OP? If not, and you are certain they won't "find out" by driving by and seeing the sign on the marquee or by your DC letting it slip, then I wouldn't torture yourself over it.

But if you think there is a chance they would find out, this will just be one more thing for them to be "hurt" and "offended" about when you could just suck it up and tell them about it. Just have your DH send an email: "Hi Mom and Dad, Larlo's band concert is Friday night at 7pm at the school. I won't be able to make it due to a work obligation, but we wanted to let you know about it in case you were able to attend. Seating shouldn't be an issue if you arrive about 15 minutes ahead of time."

This way, you don't have to talk to them directly and it is not implied that you would need to save them seats or sit with them.

I guarantee our kid would let it slip, and they would be majorly offended. Even suggesting we don’t drive together/sit together/socialize afterwards would offend them. They outwardly don’t like me or my parents but would blame shift if we didn’t invite them.

[Anonymous]

They’d be welcome to attend but not invited to anything we did afterwards (lunch etc.) unless my husband was there.

[Anonymous]

My ILs are a pain so we don’t tell them about any event where they might bring their drama and embarrass us or the kids. They’ve failed to behave like mature sane adults too many times.

They aren’t told about any school events or birthday parties but they are welcome to celebrate with us at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They’d be welcome to attend but not invited to anything we did afterwards (lunch etc.) unless my husband was there.

This. They don’t need to know you will be there or with whom you will be sitting - they can sit alone, as everyone else does. And don’t invite them to any celebration:gathering before or after (in fact, don’t even mention it to tour kids and let it be a surprise if you take them out afterward).

[Anonymous]

The word toxic gets thrown around a lot in these forums. It’s hard to comment without knowing what it is that your ILs did to create this situation.

[Anonymous]

You know them best. Will they behave in an auditorium full of people? Will they insist on hanging with you even after the blowup? To be honest, I never invited my parents to school concerts and we got along very well. That's a "noise" only a mother could endure.

[Anonymous]

As a mom of all boys, these posts really make me sick. Would you so easily cut your own family out of the mix? What part have you played in this toxic relationship, and can you truly just say it is all because of your IL’s actions?

I understand that there are *some* extreme cases that warrant such drastic measures, but I can’t believe that all of these type of posts are because of extreme cases. Every family has some kind of dysfunction, yes even your own parents aren’t perfect and have issues, but I can’t imagine cutting my MIL mostly out of my life (as a result, my kids and husband would see her much less). You put up with your parents and their issues, and you can extend some grace to your OL’d and their issues (I know that this is easier said than done).

Signed a mom of 3 boys (6, 9, 11) with a difficult MIL who spent the first ~10 years of our marriage thinking that no one was good enough for her precious baby boy (my husband is her only child).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They’d be welcome to attend but not invited to anything we did afterwards (lunch etc.) unless my husband was there.

. +1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a mom of all boys, these posts really make me sick. Would you so easily cut your own family out of the mix? What part have you played in this toxic relationship, and can you truly just say it is all because of your IL’s actions?

I understand that there are *some* extreme cases that warrant such drastic measures, but I can’t believe that all of these type of posts are because of extreme cases. Every family has some kind of dysfunction, yes even your own parents aren’t perfect and have issues, but I can’t imagine cutting my MIL mostly out of my life (as a result, my kids and husband would see her much less). You put up with your parents and their issues, and you can extend some grace to your OL’d and their issues (I know that this is easier said than done).

Signed a mom of 3 boys (6, 9, 11) with a difficult MIL who spent the first ~10 years of our marriage thinking that no one was good enough for her precious baby boy (my husband is her only child).

It’s not cutting someone out to need DH/ILs to all be present.

In the last year, I myself have asked that DH does not leave me in a conversation alone with MIL. Because whenever we get alone (I mean, still in the house surrounded by people, but alone in conversation), age asks me for favors/information that she should be asking him.