If your arrangement is to not with inlaws without your spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a mom of all boys, these posts really make me sick. Would you so easily cut your own family out of the mix? What part have you played in this toxic relationship, and can you truly just say it is all because of your IL’s actions?

I understand that there are *some* extreme cases that warrant such drastic measures, but I can’t believe that all of these type of posts are because of extreme cases. Every family has some kind of dysfunction, yes even your own parents aren’t perfect and have issues, but I can’t imagine cutting my MIL mostly out of my life (as a result, my kids and husband would see her much less). You put up with your parents and their issues, and you can extend some grace to your OL’d and their issues (I know that this is easier said than done).

Signed a mom of 3 boys (6, 9, 11) with a difficult MIL who spent the first ~10 years of our marriage thinking that no one was good enough for her precious baby boy (my husband is her only child).

I agree completely. You think you are punishing inlaws but it’s punishing your kids and your husband also. Maybe your kids don’t care at the moment, but it has a toll. Now an adult, I struggle to have a good relationship with my fathers side (very nice people) because of whatever beef they and my mother had. It’s almost like strangers now, very awkward. It’s unfortunate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mom of all boys, these posts really make me sick. Would you so easily cut your own family out of the mix? What part have you played in this toxic relationship, and can you truly just say it is all because of your IL’s actions?

I understand that there are *some* extreme cases that warrant such drastic measures, but I can’t believe that all of these type of posts are because of extreme cases. Every family has some kind of dysfunction, yes even your own parents aren’t perfect and have issues, but I can’t imagine cutting my MIL mostly out of my life (as a result, my kids and husband would see her much less). You put up with your parents and their issues, and you can extend some grace to your OL’d and their issues (I know that this is easier said than done).

Signed a mom of 3 boys (6, 9, 11) with a difficult MIL who spent the first ~10 years of our marriage thinking that no one was good enough for her precious baby boy (my husband is her only child).

I agree completely. You think you are punishing inlaws but it’s punishing your kids and your husband also. Maybe your kids don’t care at the moment, but it has a toll. Now an adult, I struggle to have a good relationship with my fathers side (very nice people) because of whatever beef they and my mother had. It’s almost like strangers now, very awkward. It’s unfortunate.

You’re right. People should just allow the abuse! That’s healthy!

My MIL called my mom an “selfish attention wh*ore” at a birthday party, made up lies about me and spread them around like wildfire, and told my 7yo DD that she “couldn’t speak to her anymore” after we couldn’t make it to a cookout she was having because it was my brother’s birthday.

And other days she’s a perfectly normal, accommodating, loving woman.

You don’t think it’s healthier to limit contact with this woman? Seriously? You think this is a healthy dynamic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mom of all boys, these posts really make me sick. Would you so easily cut your own family out of the mix? What part have you played in this toxic relationship, and can you truly just say it is all because of your IL’s actions?

I understand that there are *some* extreme cases that warrant such drastic measures, but I can’t believe that all of these type of posts are because of extreme cases. Every family has some kind of dysfunction, yes even your own parents aren’t perfect and have issues, but I can’t imagine cutting my MIL mostly out of my life (as a result, my kids and husband would see her much less). You put up with your parents and their issues, and you can extend some grace to your OL’d and their issues (I know that this is easier said than done).

Signed a mom of 3 boys (6, 9, 11) with a difficult MIL who spent the first ~10 years of our marriage thinking that no one was good enough for her precious baby boy (my husband is her only child).

I agree completely. You think you are punishing inlaws but it’s punishing your kids and your husband also. Maybe your kids don’t care at the moment, but it has a toll. Now an adult, I struggle to have a good relationship with my fathers side (very nice people) because of whatever beef they and my mother had. It’s almost like strangers now, very awkward. It’s unfortunate.

Whatever. I'm glad my father cut ties with most of his extended family. They're a bunch of self-centered assholes. I witnessed some of it when they were visitng my grandparents (father's parents). I am, however, quite close to the family of my father's best friend. His kids are like siblings/cousins to me and my siblings. Our fathers have been dead for years and most of us are living in seperate states but we still plan to get together when we're visiting home. It's nice to have the option to 'chose' your family rather than feel compelled to maintain relationships that you get nothing (or worse) out of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do the IL already know about the concert, OP? If not, and you are certain they won't "find out" by driving by and seeing the sign on the marquee or by your DC letting it slip, then I wouldn't torture yourself over it.

But if you think there is a chance they would find out, this will just be one more thing for them to be "hurt" and "offended" about when you could just suck it up and tell them about it. Just have your DH send an email: "Hi Mom and Dad, Larlo's band concert is Friday night at 7pm at the school. I won't be able to make it due to a work obligation, but we wanted to let you know about it in case you were able to attend. Seating shouldn't be an issue if you arrive about 15 minutes ahead of time."

This way, you don't have to talk to them directly and it is not implied that you would need to save them seats or sit with them.

I guarantee our kid would let it slip, and they would be majorly offended. Even suggesting we don’t drive together/sit together/socialize afterwards would offend them. They outwardly don’t like me or my parents but would blame shift if we didn’t invite them.

.

OP, where does DH stand on this? He can't be there, I get that, but what did he say when you presented your specific concerns about this concert to him?

You and he are talking about this particular concert, right? If he's on board, I'd do as suggested above--tell them by email or text and use the script above. It doesn't offer anything but information. The fact they'd be "majorly offended" at not driving/sitting together is on them; if they squawk about that, tell them you hope to say hi to them at the show, but will be busy getting your young musician ready beforehand and helping with the concert. You shouldn't have to say those things or give them reasons, of course. But if it shuts down comments, go for it. I'd just start sending the basic what-where-when information about kids' activities like this one and always deflect if they say they need you to drive them or whatever.

...As long as DH is on the same page. Important, so he does not inadvertently (or intentionally, out of guilt) tell his parents anything different from want you tell them re: events, transportation, socializing after events, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, don't invite them. Toxic behavior has consequences

+1

Unless your kid is busting to have all the grandparents there, but otherwise just invite your parents. Actions have consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, don't invite them. Toxic behavior has consequences

+1

Unless your kid is busting to have all the grandparents there, but otherwise just invite your parents. Actions have consequences.

+2 I never invite DH's parents to things -- that's his responsibility. I invite my parents and if he wants, he can do the same.