Reply to Husband wants to find bio dad. Bio dad doesn’t know he has a son.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My DH has never met and knows nothing about his father, and his father doesn’t even know he exists. He’s the result of a one night stand with a stranger at a college seminar many states away.

My husband and his mother have been fighting, and as a sort of bait to reel him back in, my MIL suddenly produced a piece of paper from the seminar that lists, among other things, this man’s name and date of birth, and short biography. She “suddenly found it” hidden in a box, 40 years and 5 moves later. She has known she’s had it since she attended that seminar.

Now my husband is determined to find this man and contact him. I think it’s a horrible idea and can’t understand what he thinks he will gain by blindsiding a man who has no idea he exists, and telling him he has a 40yo son. He says he doesn’t care if he’s rejected. I say, then what’s the point? He says, it’s his right to at least hear his voice and speak with him. He’s very, very confused. I don’t know how to properly guide him, because I think he’s making a big mistake. Does anyone who’s been here before have any advice?[/quote]
I don't think you are giving him great advice.  As long as he knows it may not end well, it is his right to search.

I have a friend with a crazy mom who claimed she was raped by a stranger, then finally told my friend who her father was (there was no rape).  The father did not know of my friend's existence.  My friend found him, went to a conference where he was speaking, introduced herself (but did not say she thought he was her father).  She thought that would be enough but wasn't satisfied.  Later, she contacted and told him the story.  They got a blood test.  He and his family have embraced her.  This is a wild story and likely not representative, but you never know.

My kids are adopted and I would be supportive of a search for their bio parents, although of course I would warn them they might not like what they find out and may not be greeted with open arms.  Or maybe they will.  Who knows.

I'd suggest a couple of meetings with a therapist for your DH, rather than just telling him it's a bad idea.  You just don't know.  Some people need answers. [/quote]

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