How should I act towards ILs after disagreement?

[Anonymous]

Ok DCUM, you really helped me a couple weeks ago, and I need you again!

I posted a couple weeks ago about my ILs who were giving me a hard time, badmouthing me to family and flat out denying things I had done for them, specifically bringing or kids to visit them. We went months without talking until they suddenly out of the blue decided they wanted to make up again. You all have me great advice here: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/715624.page

Well, my MIL actually called me and wanted to know why I was so upset. I told her as monotone yet authoritarian and to the point as I could that my feelings were hurt, I was feeling unappreciated, my previous efforts went unnoticed, and I was even badmouthed. (All your words, thanks so much!) I told her it would take time to build the trust back up. She flat out denied it all again, and even told ME that I was hurtful. I told her I was done arguing about it, but they were welcome to come visit anytime. She was shocked when she hung up. But she surprised me and called DH a couple days later to set up a visit; they will be coming when he’s home this weekend.

How do I act? Do I gray rock with a side of “kill them with kindness”? What do I say when they walk through the door. I’m so nervous but honestly still mad, but I don’t want them to know. Please give me some more great advice!

[Anonymous]

You did great. And as a reward you deserve a day out....this weekend. Lunch with a friend, a movie you have wanted to see, a day volunteering. You go spend the day anywhere other than home.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like an olive branch. I'd be cordial but reserved. If you can't be cordial, take yourself for a nice solo outing.

[Anonymous]

You did invite them. They're taking you up on it. Try to have a repair relationship mindset

[Anonymous]

I’d be polite but not warm. They can try to win me over if they feel uncomfortable, we all know who’s in the wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like an olive branch. I'd be cordial but reserved. If you can't be cordial, take yourself for a nice solo outing.

My thinking as well. I think it would be in poor taste to not be there this time. Be there, be polite but not warm, as a PP mentioned. Moving forward, skip every other visit. But to save face, be there this time.

[Anonymous]

Be polite and friendly but not overly eager.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all so much! As much as I want to flee this visit, I feel I need to be there. I don’t want them to think they have that much of an effect on me that I can’t even be in the same room as them.

[Anonymous]

This is a test situation, so be courteous on your end, and observe their attitude so that you can decide on what to do in the future. I would be really angry too, OP, so I would definitely not be warm and fuzzy, but I would make a point of being there, since I invited them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is a test situation, so be courteous on your end, and observe their attitude so that you can decide on what to do in the future. I would be really angry too, OP, so I would definitely not be warm and fuzzy, but I would make a point of being there, since I invited them.

Thank you!

I’ve already decided, and have the support of my husband, that I’m essentially throwing in the towel for a while, as far as making logistical efforts for these people. I would never prevent them from visiting, but I just won’t be making the effort for a long time, especially in light of them still denying my previous efforts. I’m curious to see how they will treat me, and their behavior will determine if they get a drop in their bucket or not.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know you got your answer already, but just to add another way to think about it. Think of this as a business lunch. With business meetings (and less formally business lunches) you don't necessarily like the people you're meeting with, but you are friendly, polite, superficial, and get the job done. that's how you have to look at this. And I agree with the other poster about observing their behavior toward you to decide how to go forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know you got your answer already, but just to add another way to think about it. Think of this as a business lunch. With business meetings (and less formally business lunches) you don't necessarily like the people you're meeting with, but you are friendly, polite, superficial, and get the job done. that's how you have to look at this. And I agree with the other poster about observing their behavior toward you to decide how to go forward.

This is really great advice and exactly what I will do. I was wondering how I would go about it, but “faking it” is perfect.

Do you all think that if they are polite and kind to me, I should forget that they refuse to apologize and acknowledge what I’ve done? If they are kind, I should go back to business as usual?

[Anonymous]

I think you now know that they see your relationship as conditional and the conditions are one that they alone set. Act accordingly. I would treat the visit as an olive branch on their part and be gracious but plan a strategy for when and if they breech your internal red lines.

If you can manage to keep them on good behavior you continue with visits but know that every thing can change

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know you got your answer already, but just to add another way to think about it. Think of this as a business lunch. With business meetings (and less formally business lunches) you don't necessarily like the people you're meeting with, but you are friendly, polite, superficial, and get the job done. that's how you have to look at this. And I agree with the other poster about observing their behavior toward you to decide how to go forward.

This is really great advice and exactly what I will do. I was wondering how I would go about it, but “faking it” is perfect.

Do you all think that if they are polite and kind to me, I should forget that they refuse to apologize and acknowledge what I’ve done? If they are kind, I should go back to business as usual?

Forget the apology, OP. Many people can't bring themselves to apologize. Your red line is future attitude towards you - no criticizing you to all and sundry, no blaming you reflexively when someone else is actually responsible, no taking you for granted. And I hope you were clear about that during your conversation with your MIL.

It will not be business as usual for a long time, at least not for me, were I in your shoes. I don't easily forget such treatment. But in time, if they respect you more, you could develop a trusting relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

Cordial. Polite but distant. It is THEIR problem to fix with a sincere apology and demonstrably changed behavior. Polite but distant. Make plans for yourself and stay out of the house.