How should I act towards ILs after disagreement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is a test situation, so be courteous on your end, and observe their attitude so that you can decide on what to do in the future. I would be really angry too, OP, so I would definitely not be warm and fuzzy, but I would make a point of being there, since I invited them.

Yes this. I'd expect them to act a little nervous but also like nothing has happened. Just be polite and distant. That's usually my permanent mode while with my inlaws, who are a lot like yours. They haven't done the direct bad mouthing, but I sure do know how my MIL feels. She doesn't care about what we DO only what we do NOT do. Basically since we don't try to see them every weekend, we don't love them. She's been like this our entire marriage. I cared a lot more about trying not to upset her before we had kids. But once we had kids, I will do what's best for them, me and my DH and THEN her (in that order). We've always welcomed her at our house, we do not keep the children from her, but we do not make all the effort to do the one hour drive back and forth.

She complains bitterly about having to drive, she complains that when she arrives at 11am (even though we always tell her 9/10am works best) the kids are getting ready for lunch and naps, she complains that there's too much traffic, she complains we are too strict with sleep schedules. IDGAF. If you want to see the grandkids, you'll deal, if you don't, fine. We'll go to her when it's reasonable (normally holidays). If I were you OP, I'd NEVER take the kids to go see them alone. My nightmare is being alone with my MIL. It's my DH's job to be there every time. Occasionally I've gone out of town and he goes to her or has her come to our house. That's the best scenario because I can get out of the visit all together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know you got your answer already, but just to add another way to think about it. Think of this as a business lunch. With business meetings (and less formally business lunches) you don't necessarily like the people you're meeting with, but you are friendly, polite, superficial, and get the job done. that's how you have to look at this. And I agree with the other poster about observing their behavior toward you to decide how to go forward.

This is really great advice and exactly what I will do. I was wondering how I would go about it, but “faking it” is perfect.

Do you all think that if they are polite and kind to me, I should forget that they refuse to apologize and acknowledge what I’ve done? If they are kind, I should go back to business as usual?

Forget the apology, OP. Many people can't bring themselves to apologize. Your red line is future attitude towards you - no criticizing you to all and sundry, no blaming you reflexively when someone else is actually responsible, no taking you for granted. And I hope you were clear about that during your conversation with your MIL.

It will not be business as usual for a long time, at least not for me, were I in your shoes. I don't easily forget such treatment. But in time, if they respect you more, you could develop a trusting relationship with them.

I’m trying.

And the last paragraph is how I feel. I can’t forget, and I just can’t stomach going out of my way for them. Thank you for justifying my feelings.

And thank all of you. I’m feeling totally weak, and you all are helping me grow a backbone. I’m hoping they know I mean business now and will change. Here’s hoping!

[Anonymous]

Nice OP, I'm glad DCUM has been helpful to you.

I would just suggest that you think of your relationship with them in a way that is non-engaging. Riight now, you're mad (justifiably!) and you're saying things like you are growing a backbone, standing up for yourself, etc. And your question had to do with how to act.

I'd suggest dropping the thought that it is adversarial. I'd also drop the thought that they'll ever apologize. They will never apologize.

The person who advised you to that like a professional relationship is closest, I think - polite, even charming and friendly, but closed off.

It's a bit like gray rock, but more engaged - with my in-laws, who are very similar, i just remind myself that they have shown me their true colors, they are not on my side or ever going to give me the benefit of the doubt, and they are not my "friends." I can't trust them. The only times now when I get grief from my in-laws is when i let my guard down and actually try talking to my MIL as a confidant or friend. I'm nearly guaranteed to say something I later regret. I have to keep it superficial, light, surface, while also being friendly.

[Anonymous]

OP - Others in your first post (weeks ago) also said to forget the apology and are saying it now. You will never get it and you have to just accept that. And if you do get it, it probably won't be sincere so it's not really worth much anyway.

You should accept them for who they are and treat them accordingly. I'm not saying treat them bad. But if you accept that this is it. They have their limitations and it's the way it is. Accept that and live your life accepting that. In this case, I think that means what everyone is saying. Be polite, nice, friendly, but closed off (business lunch). Don't go out of your way to drive to their house, and don't cut the kids off from them visiting.

That is treating them accordingly, in my opinion.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Agree that no apology will be forthcoming. My in-laws have yet to apologize for their major (drunken) tantrum from my child’s first Christmas (on Christmas no less) because we had to tell them they were not allowed to tell people they could be our child’s godparents (big deal in their culture) or call and schedule a baptism for us. They also denied that they “disowned” my DH for awhile when we told them we were getting married which they have also never apologized for.

There was a few months of radio silence as we left it up to them to contact us but eventually wanting pictures of their grandchild won out. We also had them make the effort to visit us for a while .

They love our child and we have a cordial relationship now but we both know how they are and my DH is firmly in the stance that the three of us are the most important core group of family to him. He loves his parents but they don’t get to dictate his life.

[Anonymous]

Stay grey rock, knowing that this pseudo olive branch will result in another tantrum at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay grey rock, knowing that this pseudo olive branch will result in another tantrum at some point.

This is so true. People don’t change. Stand your ground, because you know better. Good advice.

[Anonymous]

I agree with everyone-polite and cordial but not warm. Let DH answer and handle everything. She knows she was wrong and she’s trying to avoid eating crow. The bigger the person that you are during her visit, the worse she will feel. And of course she knows it’s not over anyway because she’s still not going to get her way with you bringing the kids to visit anymore. So in the end you still have won.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cordial. Polite but distant. It is THEIR problem to fix with a sincere apology and demonstrably changed behavior. Polite but distant. Make plans for yourself and stay out of the house.

This. Don't share anything about you or your life. They don't care anyway. Personally I would be home because I wouldn't want them to think they had an effect on me, but go about your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with everyone-polite and cordial but not warm. Let DH answer and handle everything. She knows she was wrong and she’s trying to avoid eating crow. The bigger the person that you are during her visit, the worse she will feel. And of course she knows it’s not over anyway because she’s still not going to get her way with you bringing the kids to visit anymore. So in the end you still have won.

So true. And, she has absolutely zero leverage; the cards lie solely in the hands of the DIL.