I’m not ready to make nice

[Anonymous]

We recently moved about 1.5 hours away from my ILs for a contract job my DH is currently working. I’ve personally been schlepping our kids back home to visit the ILs for the day probably once a month, sometimes we visit more with DH. Sometimes I drop them off and get some errands done, occasionally I visit. Since Christmas, our lives have been hectic and we haven’t made it back home as often as in the past. ILs make no effort to visit us (they are able-bodied and drive, and don’t work.)

Not sure what prompted it, but out of the blue they called DH and complained that I NEVER bring the kids (not HIM, just that I don’t) and therefore I’m keeping them from seeing them. DH point out the weekends I took them up there to see them, but the denied most of them, and said they would have had pictures of these visits. We didn’t talk for a while after that, but heard through the grape vine that they were badmouthing me to anyone who would listen. Then out of the blue today, of course because a holiday is impending, they are “sorry”, not to me of course, and DH is just fine with that! He’s ready to embrace them into our lives again, just like that. Well, I’m not! I’m not ready to make nice!

I know they won’t apologize to me, and I know they will soon be expecting/inciting me to bring the kids to them again. I told my husband I’m not doing it anymore, at least until they can show a pattern of respect for me. He wasn’t too happy about that and said that they will never see the kids without my help, because he’s on call, and he can’t take them. I said, no kidding! They had a good thing!

Am I letting my emotions control me, or does my plan seem rational? If I’m being irrational, I’ll rethink my strategy. If you have a better one, let me know, please!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We recently moved about 1.5 hours away from my ILs for a contract job my DH is currently working. I’ve personally been schlepping our kids back home to visit the ILs for the day probably once a month, sometimes we visit more with DH. Sometimes I drop them off and get some errands done, occasionally I visit. Since Christmas, our lives have been hectic and we haven’t made it back home as often as in the past. ILs make no effort to visit us (they are able-bodied and drive, and don’t work.)

Not sure what prompted it, but out of the blue they called DH and complained that I NEVER bring the kids (not HIM, just that I don’t) and therefore I’m keeping them from seeing them. DH point out the weekends I took them up there to see them, but the denied most of them, and said they would have had pictures of these visits. We didn’t talk for a while after that, but heard through the grape vine that they were badmouthing me to anyone who would listen. Then out of the blue today, of course because a holiday is impending, they are “sorry”, not to me of course, and DH is just fine with that! He’s ready to embrace them into our lives again, just like that. Well, I’m not! I’m not ready to make nice!

I know they won’t apologize to me, and I know they will soon be expecting/inciting me to bring the kids to them again. I told my husband I’m not doing it anymore, at least until they can show a pattern of respect for me. He wasn’t too happy about that and said that they will never see the kids without my help, because he’s on call, and he can’t take them. I said, no kidding! They had a good thing!

Am I letting my emotions control me, or does my plan seem rational? If I’m being irrational, I’ll rethink my strategy. If you have a better one, let me know, please!

Your first step would be to ask your DH to stop sharing every negative thing his parents say about you. If he couldn't find a way to ask you about how often you take them to visit without making it clear that they are complaining, he is responsible for this mess.

I wouldn't take the kids to them either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We recently moved about 1.5 hours away from my ILs for a contract job my DH is currently working. I’ve personally been schlepping our kids back home to visit the ILs for the day probably once a month, sometimes we visit more with DH. Sometimes I drop them off and get some errands done, occasionally I visit. Since Christmas, our lives have been hectic and we haven’t made it back home as often as in the past. ILs make no effort to visit us (they are able-bodied and drive, and don’t work.)

Not sure what prompted it, but out of the blue they called DH and complained that I NEVER bring the kids (not HIM, just that I don’t) and therefore I’m keeping them from seeing them. DH point out the weekends I took them up there to see them, but the denied most of them, and said they would have had pictures of these visits. We didn’t talk for a while after that, but heard through the grape vine that they were badmouthing me to anyone who would listen. Then out of the blue today, of course because a holiday is impending, they are “sorry”, not to me of course, and DH is just fine with that! He’s ready to embrace them into our lives again, just like that. Well, I’m not! I’m not ready to make nice!

I know they won’t apologize to me, and I know they will soon be expecting/inciting me to bring the kids to them again. I told my husband I’m not doing it anymore, at least until they can show a pattern of respect for me. He wasn’t too happy about that and said that they will never see the kids without my help, because he’s on call, and he can’t take them. I said, no kidding! They had a good thing!

Am I letting my emotions control me, or does my plan seem rational? If I’m being irrational, I’ll rethink my strategy. If you have a better one, let me know, please!

Your first step would be to ask your DH to stop sharing every negative thing his parents say about you. If he couldn't find a way to ask you about how often you take them to visit without making it clear that they are complaining, he is responsible for this mess.

I wouldn't take the kids to them either.

He did, that’s why we weren’t talking to them. But now it’s like all is forgotten. Don’t worry, I’m equally annoyed with him. But unlike him, I’m not as forgiving.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you, OP! They had a good thing! And, I'm not giving your DH a pass. He shouldn't be 'on call' all the time. Let him take them sometime. Or, they could drive themselves up some time when your DH isn't on call and you can go out and have some time with friends - or yourself - or whatever you like to do without the kids and your DH.

[Anonymous]

I think your feelings are valid. My feelings would be hurt too and I certainly wouldn’t be jumping at the opportunity to schlep there without DH after all of that.

I think you have decide what you want. Do you only want to go with DH? Continue the visits but less often? Do you want to refuse to see them?

I think some of it depends on the relationship your children have with them too.

I don’t think you are being irrational but you have to decide what you want. And if that is what you said about I would define what a “pattern of respect” means to you so you can clearly define that without using it as a crutch/excuse when your emotions run high.

[Anonymous]

I think you're right OP. I might just add that they are welcome to pick a day to come visit so the onus is on them and they can't say you kept the kids away. And I'd also outright ask for an apology, not through DH I'd probably do it to their race or over the phone. They owe you that much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your feelings are valid. My feelings would be hurt too and I certainly wouldn’t be jumping at the opportunity to schlep there without DH after all of that.

I think you have decide what you want. Do you only want to go with DH? Continue the visits but less often? Do you want to refuse to see them?

I think some of it depends on the relationship your children have with them too.

I don’t think you are being irrational but you have to decide what you want. And if that is what you said about I would define what a “pattern of respect” means to you so you can clearly define that without using it as a crutch/excuse when your emotions run high.

I think I’m just feeling under appreciated (by not only the ILs but also DH) and pissed that my efforts are going unnoticed. I’m willing to visit occasionally with DH, mostly for the kids. But as far as taking them there alone, I’m feeling a mix of spite and you blew it mixed with some basic “nope”. I just don’t have it in my heart to accommodate them like that right now. And “respect” would be them not complaining about me and being more appreciative of what we do to give them a relationship with their grands, since it’s us making all the effort.

[Anonymous]

Make it clear they are welcome to drive to your house to see the grandkids. It’s nice they want a relationship with their grandchildren, but they owe you respect and consideration. They took you for granted and then badmouthed you: two big mistakes. Let them make the drive for a while. If it’s your personality to be up front, let them know how you feel.

[Anonymous]

Insist on an apology. Not one delivered by your DH, but they should apologize directly.

Don't let them or your DH gaslight you, which is what they are doing by pretending nothing happened.

[Anonymous]

Next time you visit without your husband, look your in-laws between the eyes and tell them if you find them badmouthing you or criticizing you again, they will not see their grandkids.

End of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make it clear they are welcome to drive to your house to see the grandkids. It’s nice they want a relationship with their grandchildren, but they owe you respect and consideration. They took you for granted and then badmouthed you: two big mistakes. Let them make the drive for a while. If it’s your personality to be up front, let them know how you feel.

This is exactly how I feel!

I’m usually non confrontational, but I will be standing up for myself. Do you, or does anyone, have any ideas on how to break this news to them (that I will be suspending my visits alone for the time being) without making a huge deal?

[Anonymous]

You are right! Speak to them yourself. You do not need your husband’s permission to do this! Tell them they hurt you, bad mouthed you ;and you will not have it. Ask for an apology. Then, go only for visits with DH for now. In a few months, Invite them up for lunch or a child activity. If they accept and it goes well, you can bring kids up in a few months. You need for them to know you will not stand for that type of behavior. They must play by your rules. Stand up for yourself. Good Luck! Smooth this over now and you will keep everyone happy. Good Luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make it clear they are welcome to drive to your house to see the grandkids. It’s nice they want a relationship with their grandchildren, but they owe you respect and consideration. They took you for granted and then badmouthed you: two big mistakes. Let them make the drive for a while. If it’s your personality to be up front, let them know how you feel.

This is exactly how I feel!

I’m usually non confrontational, but I will be standing up for myself. Do you, or does anyone, have any ideas on how to break this news to them (that I will be suspending my visits alone for the time being) without making a huge deal?

NP. Since they insist on having DH be the messenger, have him tell them. If they want to minimize the cool-down period, he can inform them that a direct apology to you could help.

[Anonymous]

Heard through the grapevine? You are so petty. If you're trying to make it worse fpr everyone involved, great work!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Heard through the grapevine? You are so petty. If you're trying to make it worse fpr everyone involved, great work!

What the hell are you talking about? If her in laws are bad-mouthing her to other family members, they are the ones creatin a bad situation. OP sounds like a freaking saint for taking the kids to visit them ever. Their retired asses can drive themselves to visit their grandkids.