Husband won't look for a higher-paying job

[Anonymous]

So we run the numbers and we both feel we need a bump in HHI to adequately pay for college and retirement. Not a huge bump, but definitely a bump.

I have a great commute with a flexible work arrangement and a terrific boss and a job that I really enjoy. Not only do I enjoy my work, I am able to attend all of the kid events, which I enjoy doing (husband doesn't care about that sort of thing).

DH has a terrible commute. His arrangement could be more flexible, but he hates working from home so rarely does it. He's not really interested in attending the kids' activities. He doesn't like his actual work. He's also got better credentials than I do.

Seems obvious to me that he should be the one to look hard for another job, but he won't. He complains about work and commute but does nothing about it! It drives me crazy! The things we are angling to pay for are future benefit things (college/retirement) so they seem easy to put off and put off and put off. Plus looking for a job is tedious and time consuming if you really do it right. I don't think he's applied at all anywhere in a year, yet he believes as firmly as I do that we can pay for current lifestyle but can't get ourselves ahead at this rate.

The only solution that I see is for me to start looking heavily but I hate the idea of giving up my job because he's too lazy to find something else.

[Anonymous]

Seems obvious to you that he should do it; seems to seem obvious to him that you should do it.

Try having a conversation about next steps: "So, we agree that we need more money, but even though you hate your job and seem more marketable I feel like you don't want to get a better paying job. Do you want me to start looking and see what's out there for me?"

[Anonymous]

No, he agrees that he should be looking. Sorry I wasn't clear. He just won't do it!

Part of the reason he hates his job is that it isn't busy enough so he's bored. I'll say: use that this time to look for a job! He'll say: you're right; I really should. And then....nothing. Boredom, inertia, laziness, he agrees that all of that is a problem but won't make the moves he needs to make. It's so frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Op, do you make the same as he does? If you don't, your opinion doesn't matter much, he's carrying more of the load.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, do you make the same as he does? If you don't, your opinion doesn't matter much, he's carrying more of the load.

I don't actually agree with you, but he's about $30,000 higher. Also, which load are you talking about? I carry the kid load, with no complains, because my flexible job means that we do not need to worry about sick kids or snow days or the random days off. Not sure how we would handle all that if my new job means a longer commute like he does. I guess we'd have to pay to outsource it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wonder if he has looked and has been rejected or hasn't found anything and it's making him depressed. Finding a job can be really hard sometimes, and since I have no idea what he does or what his credentials are, it's hard to say for sure whether this could be an issue. Does his profession use head hunters? They're great for making you move forward. Perhaps you can put him in touch with one and that will help spur him along. I would suggest that rather than getting frustrated with him, try to empathize with him. Realize how difficult and stressful this is, and do what you can to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So we run the numbers and we both feel we need a bump in HHI to adequately pay for college and retirement. Not a huge bump, but definitely a bump.

I have a great commute with a flexible work arrangement and a terrific boss and a job that I really enjoy. Not only do I enjoy my work, I am able to attend all of the kid events, which I enjoy doing (husband doesn't care about that sort of thing).

DH has a terrible commute. His arrangement could be more flexible, but he hates working from home so rarely does it. He's not really interested in attending the kids' activities. He doesn't like his actual work. He's also got better credentials than I do.

Seems obvious to me that he should be the one to look hard for another job, but he won't. He complains about work and commute but does nothing about it! It drives me crazy! The things we are angling to pay for are future benefit things (college/retirement) so they seem easy to put off and put off and put off. Plus looking for a job is tedious and time consuming if you really do it right. I don't think he's applied at all anywhere in a year, yet he believes as firmly as I do that we can pay for current lifestyle but can't get ourselves ahead at this rate.

The only solution that I see is for me to start looking heavily but I hate the idea of giving up my job because he's too lazy to find something else.

Are you sure he's the one who is lazy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, do you make the same as he does? If you don't, your opinion doesn't matter much, he's carrying more of the load.

I don't actually agree with you, but he's about $30,000 higher. Also, which load are you talking about? I carry the kid load, with no complains, because my flexible job means that we do not need to worry about sick kids or snow days or the random days off. Not sure how we would handle all that if my new job means a longer commute like he does. I guess we'd have to pay to outsource it.

So he isn’t very busy, is bored at work, and is making 30K more than you? He may be worried about not only finding a job but performing well in a more demanding environment. It’s like I can make 80K bored and could do this job in my sleep or spend all this time looking for a new job, making 20K more but working 50% more and have to be worried about keeping my job if there are budget cuts since I’m the last one hired.

OP, you may have made similar tradeoffs with your job for the flexibility. I know I’ve stayed doing something, that while wasn’t boring, I had been doing 15 years and could do well in part for the flexibility but also a bit of fear of being out of my comfort zone and not knowing if would still be a start performer. For me the push was seeing ambitious people come in, get promoted, micromanage me, and I’m still low on the totem pole with not much autonomy,without the promotion/money acknowledgment and getting more worked added to my plate. At that point it was worth the risk to get out of the revolving door of supervisors. I don’t know that money alone would have done it because you never know till you get there if the new job will be worse. And you risk whatever stability you have now if the new place doesn’t work out. Honestly I would look to see if we could cut expenses, have a real discussion about what’s concerning him about a possible job move, and discuss if he would be able to take over more kid activities if you, OP went for a higher paying jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I wonder if he has looked and has been rejected or hasn't found anything and it's making him depressed. Finding a job can be really hard sometimes, and since I have no idea what he does or what his credentials are, it's hard to say for sure whether this could be an issue. Does his profession use head hunters? They're great for making you move forward. Perhaps you can put him in touch with one and that will help spur him along. I would suggest that rather than getting frustrated with him, try to empathize with him. Realize how difficult and stressful this is, and do what you can to help.

+1 to the black whole of resume submissions.

[Anonymous]

no, keep your job

is there a way to cut costs elsewhere?

[Anonymous]

LOL....why in the world did your husband have children when he doesn't sound very interested in their lives???

[Anonymous]

How old is he? At a certain point, changing careers to a more demanding job is risky.

I find your post to be strange, OP. You are basically saying that your life is wonderful, and your husband is clearly not happy with either work or family life, but your solution is to pressure him to quit his job to find another one with more money? Is this really the right place to start?

How about figuring out why he doesn't want to be around his family? You say that he doesn't want to change jobs even though he supposedly doesn't like it. Have you tried to understand why? Is he depressed? If there some kind of issue with your relationship? Does he agree with your assertion that a higher-paying job is a necessity? Maybe this would provide a clue as to how to approach him getting a higher-paying job. Or, maybe you would find that he has a good reason for not snapping to it. You seem weirdly detached and are basically making him out to be kind of a loser but I don't fully trust your objectivity.

[Anonymous]

Find a higher paying job yourself. Stop pressuring your husband. When was the last time you did something that was totally his decision, plastered a smile on your face, and enjoyed yourself? There’s a lot to unpack. 1, earning more is actually your “thing”. Sometimes men “agree” to a financial plan just to get you to shut up and so they can watch sports again in peace. 2 if he gets that higher paying job a million different things could happen including travel, stress, working weekends, inconsistent income based on off years... etc! Then you will wish you just let things be 3 he doesn’t want to be around him because you are always trying to “help” him

[Anonymous]

He has to do him. You can only do you.

[Anonymous]

I guess I’m in the minority here, but it doesn’t seem at all to me like you’re carrying equal shares of the load. You’re doing all the child work and the emotional work, and your husband is adding to the emotional work by continually expressing dissatisfaction with his job situation but not seeking a change — even though he says he should.

I think life is too short to work at a boring job with a terrible commute, especially if the job isn’t inherently rewarding in any way. But that’s just me.