Husband won't look for a higher-paying job

[Anonymous]

You should cut current lifestyle expenses so that you can save better for the future. That is something that is entirely within your control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I guess I’m in the minority here, but it doesn’t seem at all to me like you’re carrying equal shares of the load. You’re doing all the child work and the emotional work, and your husband is adding to the emotional work by continually expressing dissatisfaction with his job situation but not seeking a change — even though he says he should.

I think life is too short to work at a boring job with a terrible commute, especially if the job isn’t inherently rewarding in any way. But that’s just me.

+1 I have a similar frustration with my DH, although salary is not an issue. We make about the same and are doing fine so I don't care if he makes more (he could even make a little less) but he hates his job and it affects all of us that he's unhappy but he does nothing to change the situation.

[Anonymous]

What is your total HHI and how much do each of you make? Context is necessary to evaluate your question.

[Anonymous]

I think searching for a new job can feel very overwhelming even if he knows it is what he should do. You might look into hiring a coach for him who can help put a specific plan in place so that it has a series of small, concrete doable steps vs. the large, nebulous 'get a new job' goal. Many large firms over this service to their employees when they lay them off and can be very helpful to those starting a new job search.

[Anonymous]

My husband's job ended after 25 years when his unit was dismantled. He received a year's severance which was quite generous. During the year after the layoff, he did not aggressively look for a job. Once the severance ended, he started applying for jobs but has not secured anything. I think it is a combination of age (59), high salary at former job, and lack of desire to network and market himself. I would not want to be in his position. I am similarly situated but in a secure job, thankfully, that pays twice what DS made. I have not pressured him to find a job because it will only add to the stress and with some adjustments, we can make due on one salary. We have investments and a second property we can sell to pay for college, retire debt and invest a bit more. I can work another 10 years (currently 55) if I am healthy and the money is still good. Things can always be worse.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like he has mild to moderate ADHD - procrastination, being bored, not getting his act together, are all symptoms of it.

Research ADHD, the inattentive type particularly, and see if this could be it. I'm telling you this because medication works very well for that, and could make him much more pro-active in his life.

[Anonymous]

ADHD is becoming the new Godwin's Law of complaining about men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think searching for a new job can feel very overwhelming even if he knows it is what he should do. You might look into hiring a coach for him who can help put a specific plan in place so that it has a series of small, concrete doable steps vs. the large, nebulous 'get a new job' goal. Many large firms over this service to their employees when they lay them off and can be very helpful to those starting a new job search.

“You might look into hiring a coach for him,” as though he’s a child and not an adult with agency and responsibility? Good lord.

[Anonymous]

So what I am hearing is you expect him to move out of his comfort zone to a new job with a whole host of variables, even though he is currently the primary bread winner (not sole but primary).

Men feel this sense of obligation that seems to escape women sometimes. That's why you'll see a post on here sometimes from a woman who has just up and quit her job, because she didn't like it. Women are at liberty to do that kind of thing. Men understand that the financial health of their family rests mostly on their shoulders and are reluctant to upset that apple cart.

If he switched jobs and it doesn't work out (he gets fired), are you going to berate him and belittle him for being inadequate? If the new job requires travel or OT are you going to be mad at him or have an affair because he's never home, even though you are the one that pushed him into the new job? If he despises his new job, will you feel remorse for having egged him into it, and now he is trapped in this new job?

In short, I hear you being ok with him changing out of his comfort zone, but nothing about what you are willing to do about it.

[Anonymous]

WARNING TO MEN: if your wife is pushing you to make more, she is making plans to divorce you.

I once had a great academic job. I loved going to work every day, and it was a tenured job with excellent benefits and retirement. DW was unhappy that I enjoyed my career, and also wanted more money (she didn't make much). She waged a relentless decade-long campaign to get me to leave the academia and go into the private sector. Eventually I relented and got a better paying private sector job--essentially my salary doubled.

But she still wasn't happy. I now had less time to do the housework and cooking and child care I had been able to do on the academic calendar/schedule (I did the majority of those tasks before), and I did really well in the private sector position, and received promotions. She began to treat me even worse--she now knew that a divorce would be good for her financially, she'd likely get $7k a month in alimony and child support, plus half of everything else.

I divorced her anyway. One of the benefits of my private sector job was my firm retained an excellent DC law firm, which recommended an excellent family law attorney for me. With my private sector job and earnings, I could easily pay the expensive lawyer, who squashed DW's attempt to get any alimony and I wound up with shared custody and a relatively small child support bill. Ironically, my child support bill is low because the lawyer was able to get the court to impute a much higher salary to DW than she actually earned (DW had a PhD but never used it).

Moral of the story: if your wife is not happy with the man you are today, she never will be. Divorce her. There are plenty of decent women out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WARNING TO MEN: if your wife is pushing you to make more, she is making plans to divorce you.

I once had a great academic job. I loved going to work every day, and it was a tenured job with excellent benefits and retirement. DW was unhappy that I enjoyed my career, and also wanted more money (she didn't make much). She waged a relentless decade-long campaign to get me to leave the academia and go into the private sector. Eventually I relented and got a better paying private sector job--essentially my salary doubled.

But she still wasn't happy. I now had less time to do the housework and cooking and child care I had been able to do on the academic calendar/schedule (I did the majority of those tasks before), and I did really well in the private sector position, and received promotions. She began to treat me even worse--she now knew that a divorce would be good for her financially, she'd likely get $7k a month in alimony and child support, plus half of everything else.

I divorced her anyway. One of the benefits of my private sector job was my firm retained an excellent DC law firm, which recommended an excellent family law attorney for me. With my private sector job and earnings, I could easily pay the expensive lawyer, who squashed DW's attempt to get any alimony and I wound up with shared custody and a relatively small child support bill. Ironically, my child support bill is low because the lawyer was able to get the court to impute a much higher salary to DW than she actually earned (DW had a PhD but never used it).

Moral of the story: if your wife is not happy with the man you are today, she never will be. Divorce her. There are plenty of decent women out there.

What does this have to do with anything? OP's dh doesn't like his job and has a bad commute that affects his ability to do hh/childcare.

[Anonymous]

Well, I think, if the DH hates his commute, and, doesn't like his job, only he can decide if it is time to look for a new job and or move. Personally, I could not live like that. A person spends so much time at work - yes, everyone wants to make big money, but, if you aren't happy, no amount of money will make you content. Meanwhile, he should simply quit bitching about both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So we run the numbers and we both feel we need a bump in HHI to adequately pay for college and retirement. Not a huge bump, but definitely a bump.

I have a great commute with a flexible work arrangement and a terrific boss and a job that I really enjoy. Not only do I enjoy my work, I am able to attend all of the kid events, which I enjoy doing (husband doesn't care about that sort of thing).

DH has a terrible commute. His arrangement could be more flexible, but he hates working from home so rarely does it. He's not really interested in attending the kids' activities. He doesn't like his actual work. He's also got better credentials than I do.

Seems obvious to me that he should be the one to look hard for another job, but he won't. He complains about work and commute but does nothing about it! It drives me crazy! The things we are angling to pay for are future benefit things (college/retirement) so they seem easy to put off and put off and put off. Plus looking for a job is tedious and time consuming if you really do it right. I don't think he's applied at all anywhere in a year, yet he believes as firmly as I do that we can pay for current lifestyle but can't get ourselves ahead at this rate.

The only solution that I see is for me to start looking heavily but I hate the idea of giving up my job because he's too lazy to find something else.

So this is female privilege. You take the less demanding job and feel you are entitled to it.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to seek advice in an anonymous forum like this because it's hard to convey what I see as our reality. I'm not pushing for this - it's economic reality. He handles the books and planning more than I do and he is the one commenting all the time that our savings won't suffice for our goals.

However, this exercise did elicit one thought that I'd never had before. If I can find something that pays more but is also more demanding, it could work if he would also find something that's closer/more flexible so he could carry the kid load that I do. It would be challenging; I'd have to try to make what he makes now plus something to add to the college/retirement funds, and he would also have to be willing to find something that's closer and more flexible and then do more of the kid stuff during the week*. Challenging, but possible, and would alleviate a lot of my concerns.

Some of the other suggestions about breaking it into smaller tasks and headhunters, etc. were also helpful.

*Whoever said he's not interested in the kids, that's not accurate. He's very involved on the weekends, but not during the week. Mostly because he's tired from the commute, but also intrinsically less interested in chaperoning field trips, honor roll assemblies, school plays, that kind of thing.