parents who continue to treat you like a child even as an adult

[Anonymous]

Anyone else have parents like these? My parents have either chosen to or are unable to make the transition to being parents of adults rather than parents of children. I'm in my late 30s and married with a child. DH and I both have full time jobs and we own a home. We have no debt, a good amount of savings, and have generally shown that we are able to function well in life.

For some reason my parents still treat me like I'm a teenager. I get constant reminders about basic home maintenance, reminders to RSVP to functions like family weddings, unsolicited advice about why the providers I've chosen to manage a chronic health condition aren't good, among other things. I hesitate to tell them about things going on in our lives because they'll pump me for details so they can research it on their own and then contact us with unsolicited advice about why something isn't good enough and something else would be better.

DH just started a new job and we shared the name of his new company with my parents. In a conversation about the company, DH was sharing why the culture was a better one than his old company. My dad started in on that wasn't necessarily the case, as he had done some research on Glassdoor and other sites and then listed some things DH should watch out for. DH was certainly aware of those things as he had done his own research, but had concluded that the positives outweigh the negatives. It's like they always have to have the last word and give their "advice" as though we are incapable of doing our own research and making our own informed decisions. If those decisions don't align with theirs then it's just seen as wrong and uninformed and the general tone is that we'll come around to see their way of thinking soon enough when the decisions we make end up being clear that they're the "wrong" ones.

My parents will attend events for our child and immediately go into parenting mode, both of me and my child. They can't just sit and be spectators. They have to chat with the coaches, give our child coaching tips that sometimes completely conflict with what his actual coaches told him, and just generally be loud and conspicuous. They don't have inside voices, either. It's strange that as an adult I still feel that embarrassed feeling you get as a teenager when your parents show up to something you didn't want them to attend because they can't just attend inconspicuously like the majority of other parents. Parents of my kid's friends have made comments about my parents' involvement and how it's probably a lot to deal with, so it's not just in my head or something I'm especially sensitive to.

When I bring any of this up to them they act completely victimized and hurt. They just want the best for us, they're parents first and foremost etc, and they don't see how their behavior crosses a line. They see their job as parents to continue to parent, but they don't see that the relationship between parents and child should evolve once the child is an adult.

I have a minor medical treatment coming up when DH will be out of town and I feel the need to lie to my parents about when it is because my mom will insist on driving me to and from, and it always creates more issues than it's worth. I'd rather just Uber to and from (it's allowed). If my mom is there she'll be in "mom mode" and talk to anyone who will listen about me and she'll try to use the opportunity to get answers to questions she has that I've already answered for her but she's not satisfied with my answers because they don't align with what she would choose. If I tell her she can be there but she can't discuss me or my treatments with anyone there she'll get offended and make me seem like the one who's doing something wrong. If she finds out I lied about when it is she'll also be hurt. I can't win.

How have you dealt with this issue if you have a similar dynamic with your parents?

[Anonymous]

My parents were like that, to some extent, though they would never comment on my H's job or company. My way of coping was pulling back and not telling them anything important.

I lost my dad 3 years ago and my mom recently, so I look back to my interactions with them and feel pangs of guilt. Everything they did, they did out of love, however smothering, irritating it felt like at the time. I miss them terribly, but I can still acknowledge that our dynamic was not healthy. The main regret I have is not getting counseling sooner. There was a lot of energy and time wasted on anger and frustration. I wish I'd sought professional help to give me the insight and tools of dealing with it in a productive way. Your parents will not change. Accept that, then seek help for yourself.

[Anonymous]

I started individual therapy 2 years ago, in my 40s, and now family therapy with my parents as well. They are 70 and 72. My mom loves me and wants to help with my 2 healthy kids and my son who has a severe form of epilepsy. But she is limited by her anxiety, which is getting worse with age. My dad is selfish, doesn't interact with my kids, and gets jealous of any time my mom spends with us. I haven't been to visit them in 6 years, but I haven't been anywhere except the hospital in that time, either.

[Anonymous]

You are keeping them too involved. Don't invite to child's sporting events.

[Anonymous]

Also, you don't need to tell the, about a minor medical procedure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are keeping them too involved. Don't invite to child's sporting events.

I don't invite them. My mom asks me for the schedule at the beginning of the season. The issue with things like this and the medical treatment is that she specifically asks me for dates. Even if I hem and haw and put it off she'll keep asking me flat out and won't stop until she gets it.

We did have an issue a year or two ago where we had recently moved to a new neighborhood and I wanted to form relationships with the other parents since my kid was playing on a team made up of neighborhood kids and my parents would not leave me alone at games. I'd be talking with a group of people and my mom would come up and start getting involved in the conversation. I had a talk with her afterward that I wanted to form relationships with these people and she was smothering me at these games. She got all hurt and played the victim and stayed out of the fray in a very exaggerated way for the next few games she showed up to. My dad called and gave me a guilt trip about how much I hurt her. Then she forgot all about it and went back to status quo.

When I see my parents in person I try not to be by myself at any time because either my mom or my dad will literally corner me and ask me questions flat out. Even though I know this will happen I get flustered in the moment. When I try to evade answering the questions they become more insistent. Sometimes it's just easier to answer it than continue to evade and be accused of acting like a spoiled brat (something they have called me even as an adult when I don't answer the questions they want answered).

In the past 6 months my mom spent my birthday dinner accusing me of blocking her on social media because she didn't see something I posted. I tried to explain to her that algorithms don't have you see everything from everybody, but she kept going with the accusation. She then sent me articles about how people can be blocked so I could go into my settings and see if I had blocked her by accident and unblock her if so. I post literally maybe two times per year. Then after a neighbor's funeral (at their house) my dad pulled me aside and berated me for how I treat my mom and how it devastates her and I don't even have it in my heart to respond to her multiple phones calls, emails and texts a day when she only means well and is coming from a good place.

They have no sense of boundaries. I did explore this in therapy and I worked on communicating how I feel about their behavior and setting more boundaries. They reacted by being victimized and painting me as a daughter who wants to shut them out of my life. I started putting our conversations on speaker so DH could hear how they speak to me because retelling it didn't do it justice. He was shocked when he heard how they twist and spin what I say. He's better at staying less emotionally involved because they aren't his parents. It really bothers me, though. My mom has never understood why she and I don't have a close mother daughter relationship, but whenever I give in and start involving her more she either uses the information against me or I give an inch and she takes a mile.

I don't want to regret how our interactions play out like a PP said, but at the same time I know they won't change. I have a visceral reaction to try to avoid them. It's not pleasant to be around them. I never want to be 1:1 with either of them because I know I'll be cornered.

-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are keeping them too involved. Don't invite to child's sporting events.

I don't invite them. My mom asks me for the schedule at the beginning of the season. The issue with things like this and the medical treatment is that she specifically asks me for dates. Even if I hem and haw and put it off she'll keep asking me flat out and won't stop until she gets it.

We did have an issue a year or two ago where we had recently moved to a new neighborhood and I wanted to form relationships with the other parents since my kid was playing on a team made up of neighborhood kids and my parents would not leave me alone at games. I'd be talking with a group of people and my mom would come up and start getting involved in the conversation. I had a talk with her afterward that I wanted to form relationships with these people and she was smothering me at these games. She got all hurt and played the victim and stayed out of the fray in a very exaggerated way for the next few games she showed up to. My dad called and gave me a guilt trip about how much I hurt her. Then she forgot all about it and went back to status quo.

When I see my parents in person I try not to be by myself at any time because either my mom or my dad will literally corner me and ask me questions flat out. Even though I know this will happen I get flustered in the moment. When I try to evade answering the questions they become more insistent. Sometimes it's just easier to answer it than continue to evade and be accused of acting like a spoiled brat (something they have called me even as an adult when I don't answer the questions they want answered).

In the past 6 months my mom spent my birthday dinner accusing me of blocking her on social media because she didn't see something I posted. I tried to explain to her that algorithms don't have you see everything from everybody, but she kept going with the accusation. She then sent me articles about how people can be blocked so I could go into my settings and see if I had blocked her by accident and unblock her if so. I post literally maybe two times per year. Then after a neighbor's funeral (at their house) my dad pulled me aside and berated me for how I treat my mom and how it devastates her and I don't even have it in my heart to respond to her multiple phones calls, emails and texts a day when she only means well and is coming from a good place.

They have no sense of boundaries. I did explore this in therapy and I worked on communicating how I feel about their behavior and setting more boundaries. They reacted by being victimized and painting me as a daughter who wants to shut them out of my life. I started putting our conversations on speaker so DH could hear how they speak to me because retelling it didn't do it justice. He was shocked when he heard how they twist and spin what I say. He's better at staying less emotionally involved because they aren't his parents. It really bothers me, though. My mom has never understood why she and I don't have a close mother daughter relationship, but whenever I give in and start involving her more she either uses the information against me or I give an inch and she takes a mile.

I don't want to regret how our interactions play out like a PP said, but at the same time I know they won't change. I have a visceral reaction to try to avoid them. It's not pleasant to be around them. I never want to be 1:1 with either of them because I know I'll be cornered.

-OP

This seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[Anonymous]

I try very hard to treat our adult children as peers. As long as they are not financially dependent on us in any way, I try to act towards them as I would act towards a friend. They are given the respect I give other adults. The respect I give friends. That means not giving advice unless it's asked for. It is difficult. However, Op -- you have a role here. You have the role to expect and state that their opinions have not been asked for .. and that you'd like them to curtail giving their opinions unless asked. Why don't you do this? Because you aren't willing to risk Mommy & Daddy getting mad at you. But you would risk this with a friendship. In order to keep the balance of power in any other relationship each party has to be willing to risk some difficult feelings .. risk the other person being a little mad once in awhile. Relationships ebb and flow. Progress you make now, though uncomfortable, you will benefit from later. Only other thing I'll add is --- not saying you do this, just be aware --- no one wants to hear others complain and discuss their problems AND THEN not listen to any advice. That's not fair. So... don't over-share if you don't want there to be conversation.

[Anonymous]

do you have any siblings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I try very hard to treat our adult children as peers. As long as they are not financially dependent on us in any way, I try to act towards them as I would act towards a friend. They are given the respect I give other adults. The respect I give friends. That means not giving advice unless it's asked for. It is difficult. However, Op -- you have a role here. You have the role to expect and state that their opinions have not been asked for .. and that you'd like them to curtail giving their opinions unless asked. Why don't you do this? Because you aren't willing to risk Mommy & Daddy getting mad at you. But you would risk this with a friendship. In order to keep the balance of power in any other relationship each party has to be willing to risk some difficult feelings .. risk the other person being a little mad once in awhile. Relationships ebb and flow. Progress you make now, though uncomfortable, you will benefit from later. Only other thing I'll add is --- not saying you do this, just be aware --- no one wants to hear others complain and discuss their problems AND THEN not listen to any advice. That's not fair. So... don't over-share if you don't want there to be conversation.

I have stated that their opinions have not been asked for and that I don't want their opinion unless I ask for it. That's when they act victimized because they're "just trying to help" and "a parent never stops being a parent". I don't complain or even discuss my problems with them because like I said they'll either use it against me or they'll get way more involved than what is healthy. There is no oversharing on my end at all. I did tell them about my chronic health issue because I was pretty sick for about 2 years and I finally got a diagnosis recently along with a treatment plan.

In terms of not getting mad, that's part of the weird dynamic. They're allowed to get mad and hurt at how they perceive that I treat them, but I'm not allowed to be upset at their behavior. When I do express how I feel I'm told that I'm paranoid and overreacting. My feelings have always been invalidated by them.

-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:do you have any siblings?

I have one sister and they do the same thing to her but she has more of a tolerance for it for the sake of keeping the peace. -OP

[Anonymous]

"Mom, I'm not giving you Johnny's soccer schedule this year. We'll invite you if I can give you the company you seek."

"Mom, I'm doing fine, I'm not going to talk about my condition."

"Mom, you raised me well, and I can make good decisions without your input."

**they bluster**

"Mom, I love you, and I'm going to go now."

"Mom, this isn't help, this is intrusion. I'm an adult, you don't have to parent me any more."

You're going to have push back harder--and let them be upset for a little while. They'll have to learn what the cost of admission is to be in your life--and that involves stepping back.

[Anonymous]

I stopped telling my parents anything, or any family member with a big mouth who would run and tell my parents about things going on in my life.

Led to a superficial relationship, but that seemed to be all they could handle on an adult level. It's sad,but better than being ordered around, criticized, and fussed at for every little thing. And I'm in my late 40s.

[Anonymous]

And... When I did push back my mom especially was the same as yours: she was allowed to have emotions but I was not.

I would go totally "gray rock" (Google it) on them, and give as little information to them as I could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are keeping them too involved. Don't invite to child's sporting events.

I don't invite them. My mom asks me for the schedule at the beginning of the season. The issue with things like this and the medical treatment is that she specifically asks me for dates. Even if I hem and haw and put it off she'll keep asking me flat out and won't stop until she gets it.

We did have an issue a year or two ago where we had recently moved to a new neighborhood and I wanted to form relationships with the other parents since my kid was playing on a team made up of neighborhood kids and my parents would not leave me alone at games. I'd be talking with a group of people and my mom would come up and start getting involved in the conversation. I had a talk with her afterward that I wanted to form relationships with these people and she was smothering me at these games. She got all hurt and played the victim and stayed out of the fray in a very exaggerated way for the next few games she showed up to. My dad called and gave me a guilt trip about how much I hurt her. Then she forgot all about it and went back to status quo.

When I see my parents in person I try not to be by myself at any time because either my mom or my dad will literally corner me and ask me questions flat out. Even though I know this will happen I get flustered in the moment. When I try to evade answering the questions they become more insistent. Sometimes it's just easier to answer it than continue to evade and be accused of acting like a spoiled brat (something they have called me even as an adult when I don't answer the questions they want answered).

In the past 6 months my mom spent my birthday dinner accusing me of blocking her on social media because she didn't see something I posted. I tried to explain to her that algorithms don't have you see everything from everybody, but she kept going with the accusation. She then sent me articles about how people can be blocked so I could go into my settings and see if I had blocked her by accident and unblock her if so. I post literally maybe two times per year. Then after a neighbor's funeral (at their house) my dad pulled me aside and berated me for how I treat my mom and how it devastates her and I don't even have it in my heart to respond to her multiple phones calls, emails and texts a day when she only means well and is coming from a good place.

They have no sense of boundaries. I did explore this in therapy and I worked on communicating how I feel about their behavior and setting more boundaries. They reacted by being victimized and painting me as a daughter who wants to shut them out of my life. I started putting our conversations on speaker so DH could hear how they speak to me because retelling it didn't do it justice. He was shocked when he heard how they twist and spin what I say. He's better at staying less emotionally involved because they aren't his parents. It really bothers me, though. My mom has never understood why she and I don't have a close mother daughter relationship, but whenever I give in and start involving her more she either uses the information against me or I give an inch and she takes a mile.

I don't want to regret how our interactions play out like a PP said, but at the same time I know they won't change. I have a visceral reaction to try to avoid them. It's not pleasant to be around them. I never want to be 1:1 with either of them because I know I'll be cornered.

-OP

I would say, " mom you don't need the schedule. Last time you did x, y, z when I asked you not to. "
Who cares if she gets mad. She gets mad because it works for her, she gets her way.