parents who continue to treat you like a child even as an adult

[Anonymous]

OP is too scared of the to speak up and have a backbone. This is the exact behavior they hope for.

[Anonymous]

I was given a nickname which I hated as a small child. My parents still publicly call me by this embarassing nickname every time I see them -- in front of friends, coworkers, my husband, my children. I have tried everything but they still call me this name (think 'bubbles' or something of this ilk). I don't find it charming, I find it abusive, but they will never stop. COnsequently we don't see them much.

[Anonymous]

Op, that’s annoying and I agree with you.

But do you want methods to actually deal with your parents or do you want to complain about it?

Nothing wrong with complaining, sometimes you need to get it out before you figure out how to address the problem. But what do YOU want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, that’s annoying and I agree with you.

But do you want methods to actually deal with your parents or do you want to complain about it?

Nothing wrong with complaining, sometimes you need to get it out before you figure out how to address the problem. But what do YOU want?

I guess I don't realize how it impacts me until I start writing it all out so it does sound like complaining. I do want to actually be able to deal with it. I want a healthier relationship with healthier boundaries and for them to not feel entitled to information about me. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, that’s annoying and I agree with you.

But do you want methods to actually deal with your parents or do you want to complain about it?

Nothing wrong with complaining, sometimes you need to get it out before you figure out how to address the problem. But what do YOU want?

I guess I don't realize how it impacts me until I start writing it all out so it does sound like complaining. I do want to actually be able to deal with it. I want a healthier relationship with healthier boundaries and for them to not feel entitled to information about me. -OP

Op, how do you think you can get there? Have you discussed your goals with your therapist and if so, what do they say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, that’s annoying and I agree with you.

But do you want methods to actually deal with your parents or do you want to complain about it?

Nothing wrong with complaining, sometimes you need to get it out before you figure out how to address the problem. But what do YOU want?

I guess I don't realize how it impacts me until I start writing it all out so it does sound like complaining. I do want to actually be able to deal with it. I want a healthier relationship with healthier boundaries and for them to not feel entitled to information about me. -OP

Op, how do you think you can get there? Have you discussed your goals with your therapist and if so, what do they say?

My goals were more about communicating about the issues and explaining to them how it makes me feel. I've done that and we're still in the same place. It gets better for a little while but then we're back to where we started. My therapist of course told me I can't change their behavior, but can only control how I react. I've tried reframing and although I understand the intent isn't malicious, I'm still bothered by it as you can tell by my OP and responses. I'm not in therapy anymore---but this was a big focus even though I had originally sought therapy for another issue. -OP

[Anonymous]

It's certainly frustrating, OP. My in laws were overly critical and controlling, so now I don't see them. DH manages 100% of the interactions with them for him and DC. I stay completely away from them.

You might have to put some actual physical and time boundaries around the relationship with your parents before they push so much you become completely estranged.

[Anonymous]

This sounds unbearable, I would suggest going back into therapy to strategize how you can forcefully and kindly set boundaries and not engage with their histrionics. That will put it on them to change their behavior or miss out. I would never again give my child’s sports schedule to these grandparents. Their reaction is how they manipulate you.

[Anonymous]

Many people move far away to escape a smothering or controlling family, and say it's the best thing they ever did.

If they can't recognize natural psychic boundaries, you may be forced to create a geographic one and start living your own life in peace.

[Anonymous]

My goals were more about communicating about the issues and explaining to them how it makes me feel

Wrong. Too much touchy-feely blah, blah, blah. Instead a strong person STATES - what you want, this is how it will be. In a sentence or two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was given a nickname which I hated as a small child. My parents still publicly call me by this embarassing nickname every time I see them -- in front of friends, coworkers, my husband, my children. I have tried everything but they still call me this name (think 'bubbles' or something of this ilk). I don't find it charming, I find it abusive, but they will never stop. COnsequently we don't see them much.

Ugh, my mom does something similar. Whenever she calls or visits, she says something similar to, "Hello my precious green-eyed little girl!," in a voice like she's talking to an infant. I'm 39 years old. I've expressed my annoyance and told her to stop multiple times. The other day she did it again, and asked whether I'd call my own daughter a "love name" when she's 39. I told her absolutely not; I'd try to treat her like an adult. We'll see if that helps any.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds unbearable, I would suggest going back into therapy to strategize how you can forcefully and kindly set boundaries and not engage with their histrionics. That will put it on them to change their behavior or miss out. I would never again give my child’s sports schedule to these grandparents. Their reaction is how they manipulate you.

It sounds like op knows how to set boundaries, she just won't follow through like an adult and enforce them. Walk away from them and refuse to engage. Hang up the phone when they cross a boundary. Op, you don't really understand the whole concept of not being able to change their behavior. There are no magic words. You need to physically separate yourself from them. It is going to be ugly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds unbearable, I would suggest going back into therapy to strategize how you can forcefully and kindly set boundaries and not engage with their histrionics. That will put it on them to change their behavior or miss out. I would never again give my child’s sports schedule to these grandparents. Their reaction is how they manipulate you.

It sounds like op knows how to set boundaries, she just won't follow through like an adult and enforce them. Walk away from them and refuse to engage. Hang up the phone when they cross a boundary. Op, you don't really understand the whole concept of not being able to change their behavior. There are no magic words. You need to physically separate yourself from them. It is going to be ugly.

OP here. I have done these things. I have hung up on my mom more times than I can count when she starts in on me. I've walked away from my dad when he corners me in public or private. This just adds fuel to the fire because they consider that it's just me acting like a brat, and they don't see that it's their behavior that is causing me to set those boundaries. They truly don't see that they do anything "wrong". To them, it's just me acting like a brat. To anyone else, it's setting boundaries and refusing to engage, but to them it's them acting in a reasonable manner and me lashing out.

[Anonymous]

I'm the first PP. After reading your updates I think your parents really take the cake in the smothering category. For your peace of mind and to preserve what relationship you have left with them, I think it's reasonable to consider moving.

[Anonymous]

OP here. It also doesn't help that my best friend and her mom (who is my mom's good friend) have a close mother-daughter relationship, and my mom is extremely jealous of that. She constantly makes comparisons and feels that it's unfair to her that we don't have that kind of relationship. She thinks that kind of relationship just happens when parents have kids, and doesn't understand that the groundwork for that was laid years ago and my mom parented in a way that made me feel smothered and like she didn't trust me to make my own choices. Ugh, this is tough stuff. I hate that it affects me this much.