Girlfriend Unsure of Having Kids

[Anonymous]

My girlfriends of a year and I are making plans for he future. We are both in our 30’s and are fast tracking life. She revealed to me that she is unsure if she wants kids. As a former nanny, she witnessed the downsides of having kids - lack of sleep, life revolving around them, tantrums, etc., and doesn’t know if that is for her. She goes back and forth, but 75% of the time she wants one kid. I definitely want at least one child, possibly 2 or 3. This information is making me rethink my future with her, because I don’t want to live a childless life. I personally think because she suffers from fertility issues ( PCOS), she may feel pressured, and is easier to say she doesn’t want kids, than be let down by trying and it possibly not happening. We both work in healthcare and know pregnancy wth PCOS is quite high with little risk. She’s the first woman I have thought of building a life with, but her lack of unknown for children is a huge hurdle. I feel I may have to make the choice or her or having children. I am confused and unsure of what to do. Anyone been in this same predicament?

[Anonymous]

T3hats a deal breaker if you are serious about having kids.

[Anonymous]

Given that she's in her 30s and has a long time to consider whether she wants kids, I'm guessing she knows deep down whether or not she actually wants them but doesn't quite want to admit the answer to herself yet (either way). Or, she knows that she wants a kid but is afraid.

[Anonymous]

Oh this is tough. I've always been on the fence about having kids. Does she know how you feel? Have you been upfront with her all along? I think you need to tell her you consider it a must (if you do truly feel that way). And let her decide how she feels. Are you ok with just one? If she's been a nanny she must at least like kids and be good with them somewhat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given that she's in her 30s and has a long time to consider whether she wants kids, I'm guessing she knows deep down whether or not she actually wants them but doesn't quite want to admit the answer to herself yet (either way). Or, she knows that she wants a kid but is afraid.

I just posted. Ehhh, my feelings are so all over the map with this. Basically I'm afraid of pregnancy and baby and toddlerhood due to chronic pain issues. But I still kind fo want one. I'm forty one now, ship has probably sailed,and I'm sad. If I had been married, I probably would have gone for it.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she's childfree and is hiding it? Guys are so into having kids but hardly put any effort except for donating sperm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she's childfree and is hiding it? Guys are so into having kids but hardly put any effort except for donating sperm.

If they bring home the bacon, that's their major responsibility.

[Anonymous]

It's sounds like she wants one child.

She has given you your answer. Take it or leave it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's sounds like she wants one child.

She has given you your answer. Take it or leave it.

I doubt she really wants any children. Op should leave her.

[Anonymous]

I got married to a guy that thought I would change my mind about having kids. We divorced after 4 years. It’s kind of sad because that issue was always like a black cloud. I think we could’ve had a really happy life without it getting in the way.

Funny thing is that since we’ve divorced, he’s been remarried for 4 years now, and heading into his mid-40’s. So I don’t know if SHE doesn’t want kids or maybe they can’t have kids, but it still hasn’t happened for him.

[Anonymous]

Leave. Plenty of women your age looking for sperm donors and wallets. No need to run her life just so you can have a few Kodak moments.

[Anonymous]

She is being honest.

Are you honestly ok if she decides she does not want children at all, or only one? Would she be having the one to make you happy, or because she truly wants one?

My ex said yes to having one child, but really wanted none. He knew I wanted children and that I would not marry him if he admitted he didn't want to have any children. He also felt having children was expected of him, by his parents. Marriage was fine for years until I was pregnant.

[Anonymous]

You should also talk about fertility treatments and adoption if you really do not see your life as a childless one. Children aren’t really something you can compromise on. Your either in or your out.

[Anonymous]

End it. I asked my husband if Kids was a dealbreaker when we were dating. I told him I was not sure I ever would want them and wanted to know if he needed to have kids. He said no so I married him. After a year of marriage, he pressured me constantly to get off the pill. First time of unprotected sex I got pregnant. We have two kids now and most of our marriage has been sexless. We are not happily married and I am strongly considering divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:End it. I asked my husband if Kids was a dealbreaker when we were dating. I told him I was not sure I ever would want them and wanted to know if he needed to have kids. He said no so I married him. After a year of marriage, he pressured me constantly to get off the pill. First time of unprotected sex I got pregnant. We have two kids now and most of our marriage has been sexless. We are not happily married and I am strongly considering divorce.

NP. Wow, this is my exact situation. I had the first kid under unrelenting pressure from DH. He turned on the pressure for #2 as well and I decided I wanted to give DS a sibling. I love the kids. But DH? Every time I think of the life I have now versus the life I could have had, I hate his guts. Our marriage is sexless, acrimonious and I’m going to cheat as soon as I think I can get away with it.