Husband feels our children's pain so intensely

[Anonymous]

Not sure if this is the right spot or even what I'm looking for here. I guess I'm wondering if this is a problem.

Every time something bad happens for our kids, DH is so hurt. Mostly it's normal kid stuff. Small example - if our son loses a basketball game, DH feels sooooo sad. He takes it much worse than our kid does. Our other son was just diagnosed with a minor issue that causes a small but noticeable disfiguration on a part of his body that is visible, but not his face (sorry to be so cryptic, trying to maintain anonymity). We had thought that the disfiguration was a result of something our son was doing due to anxiety, but it turns out it's genetic. Husband has been almost distraught at the idea that our son was so anxious that he was hurting himself in this way (a good analogy would be if a kid in elementary school was sucking on his thumb so much that he caused himself to need braces; or a kid biting his nails so badly that he caused damage to his fingertips). Now we know this wasn't caused by anxiety - yay, right? - but husband is still nearly distraught that the disfiguration likely is permanent and can't be fixed. I'm just happy that we are dealing with a minor cosmetic issue instead of something actually serious. DH is worried other kids will tease him although to our knowledge that's never happened.

There are other examples, but basically DH is can't stand the thought of anything bad happening to our kids. He's got such a big heart for these kids. I tell him that you have some adversity to develop grit; these things are life, but he's not buying it. I pity the future girlfriend who dumps one of our sons; I think DH would show up and give that girl a piece of his mind!

[Anonymous]

T-H-E-R-A-P-Y

[Anonymous]

I think it is pretty common. I am the same way. There is a saying, you are only as happy as your least happy child, thought it sounds like maybe your DH is even less happy than the kids??

[Anonymous]

This isn't healthy. He's got to build some mental and emotional boundaries -- we all love our kids but this is your DH's anxiety manifesting in a strange way, not just paternal love.

[Anonymous]

Hypochondriac transferring his issues to kids. It is not normal and it will cause your kids issues.

[Anonymous]

My parents are like this. They've very loving but it's VERY tough on me and my siblings. We can't ever share anything bad with them because then we end up having to be the ones to provide emotional support to them through our crises. I delayed telling my parents I was pregnant until well into the second trimester to avoid having to comfort and soothe them through MY miscarriage!

[Anonymous]

My mom is like that and I am like that with my own kids. I can cry just thinking about my kids potential future suffering. I don’t think it’s a big deal. I like this about suffering in general. I have no problem seeing a dead animal, but seeing an animal suffering while dying, just kills me. My dad and brother love to fish and sometime they catch something big that give them a fight for their money. Tunas for example have a lot of blood. I remember crying and desperately asking them to release the poor tuna that was struggling on our boat bleeding everywhere. I cannot stand suffering in general. A therapist once told me that it’s because I am extremely empathetic and feel other people’s pain more so than others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is pretty common. I am the same way. There is a saying, you are only as happy as your least happy child?

FWIW this saying is also cited in drug & alcohol rehab family programs to illustrate what inappropriate enmeshment looks like.

[Anonymous]

Sounds a little like OCD and/or anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like that and I am like that with my own kids. I can cry just thinking about my kids potential future suffering. I don’t think it’s a big deal. I like this about suffering in general. I have no problem seeing a dead animal, but seeing an animal suffering while dying, just kills me. My dad and brother love to fish and sometime they catch something big that give them a fight for their money. Tunas for example have a lot of blood. I remember crying and desperately asking them to release the poor tuna that was struggling on our boat bleeding everywhere. I cannot stand suffering in general. A therapist once told me that it’s because I am extremely empathetic and feel other people’s pain more so than others.

You are seeing a therapist right? Nobody wants to see a fish suffer, or any animal, but crying about your kids potential future suffering? Like if they have a cut, or a cold, or ear infections? Or make bad choices in life? That is causing you to cry? Thinking about what if? Do you hear how that sounds?

[Anonymous]

Years ago I told my DH that his desire not to feel emotions he didn't like was hurting our DCs experiences exploring their worlds. Essentially, DH was prioritizing his own feelings of anxiety over the well-being of our DCs. It is an indulgent and fairly self-centered position for a parent to take.

Fortunately DH is rational and after self-reflection, agreed. He then made a concerted effort to focus on letting our DCs experience the world without his own anxiety overshadowing that process. That's not to say he doesn't feel it sometimes but he watches himself.

[Anonymous]

I think its nice Dad is empathetic. I have a disfiguration due to a surgery and its very noticeable. My parents always acted like it was no big deal but I got teased constantly through high school and it was one. Maybe your minimizing the impact is equally harmful. I wish just once my parents acknowledged it.

[Anonymous]

And you married this person ... why? Alternatively, why haven’t you divorced him?

[Anonymous]

It is definitely anxiety.

Now either you decide this isn't an issue; or you decide it is, and then you need to see a psychologist.

[Anonymous]

I only recently learned that people with this type of extreme empathy often have real differences in the way their brains work. When the typical person sees someone hurting, we feel for them because our brain fires certain neurons. Just like if you see someone get a paper cut, or bump their head, you "feel" it, and cringe. Sometimes people have overactive neurons. I don't have any advice, but this knowledge has helped me be more accepting of people like your dh.