Husband feels our children's pain so intensely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And you married this person ... why? Alternatively, why haven’t you divorced him?

Huh? Why would this lead to divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is the right spot or even what I'm looking for here. I guess I'm wondering if this is a problem.

Every time something bad happens for our kids, DH is so hurt. Mostly it's normal kid stuff. Small example - if our son loses a basketball game, DH feels sooooo sad. He takes it much worse than our kid does. Our other son was just diagnosed with a minor issue that causes a small but noticeable disfiguration on a part of his body that is visible, but not his face (sorry to be so cryptic, trying to maintain anonymity). We had thought that the disfiguration was a result of something our son was doing due to anxiety, but it turns out it's genetic. Husband has been almost distraught at the idea that our son was so anxious that he was hurting himself in this way (a good analogy would be if a kid in elementary school was sucking on his thumb so much that he caused himself to need braces; or a kid biting his nails so badly that he caused damage to his fingertips). Now we know this wasn't caused by anxiety - yay, right? - but husband is still nearly distraught that the disfiguration likely is permanent and can't be fixed. I'm just happy that we are dealing with a minor cosmetic issue instead of something actually serious. DH is worried other kids will tease him although to our knowledge that's never happened.

There are other examples, but basically DH is can't stand the thought of anything bad happening to our kids. He's got such a big heart for these kids. I tell him that you have some adversity to develop grit; these things are life, but he's not buying it. I pity the future girlfriend who dumps one of our sons; I think DH would show up and give that girl a piece of his mind!

Dude's got issues. I'm sorry. It's bad enough when moms are this over attached, but a dad -- ew. And if he doesn't get it together, he's going to eff up his sons -- clearly they don't have a manly role model at home.

[Anonymous]

I think people are wrong to describe this as “empathy.” Empathy is understanding the feelings of others. This is elevating your own feelings over those of others and making everything all about your feelings. It’s basically ignoring the other peoples’ feelings and needs because you’re so caught up in your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people are wrong to describe this as “empathy.” Empathy is understanding the feelings of others. This is elevating your own feelings over those of others and making everything all about your feelings. It’s basically ignoring the other peoples’ feelings and needs because you’re so caught up in your own.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people are wrong to describe this as “empathy.” Empathy is understanding the feelings of others. This is elevating your own feelings over those of others and making everything all about your feelings. It’s basically ignoring the other peoples’ feelings and needs because you’re so caught up in your own.

This is OP. This is an interesting comment. I’m not sure it rings true though. He doesn’t share how he’s feeling with our kids. He would probably worry that his feeling badly might cause them to feel badly. He does try to help the kids with whatever they are going through or whatever he’s worried they might feel. The kids don’t know he’s upset, but I know him very well. For example, he’ll ask me 100 times after a bb game, “ do you think larlo’s Ok” but not in front of DS. Or, I can see how anxious he is before the game bc he’s worrying it will go poorly for DS. Yet, I wouldn’t describe him as generally empathetic either bc he’s not overly bothered if I or other people he cares about has a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people are wrong to describe this as “empathy.” Empathy is understanding the feelings of others. This is elevating your own feelings over those of others and making everything all about your feelings. It’s basically ignoring the other peoples’ feelings and needs because you’re so caught up in your own.

This is OP. This is an interesting comment. I’m not sure it rings true though. He doesn’t share how he’s feeling with our kids. He would probably worry that his feeling badly might cause them to feel badly. He does try to help the kids with whatever they are going through or whatever he’s worried they might feel. The kids don’t know he’s upset, but I know him very well. For example, he’ll ask me 100 times after a bb game, “ do you think larlo’s Ok” but not in front of DS. Or, I can see how anxious he is before the game bc he’s worrying it will go poorly for DS. Yet, I wouldn’t describe him as generally empathetic either bc he’s not overly bothered if I or other people he cares about has a problem.

Don't you think they're going to start picking up on this at some point? A child who has a parent without healthy boundaries is not allowed to feel fully or be themselves fully, because on some level, they'll feel they need to keep from upsetting the parent. Your husband has a real anxiety issue, and perhaps could also stand to work on boundaries as they relate to the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people are wrong to describe this as “empathy.” Empathy is understanding the feelings of others. This is elevating your own feelings over those of others and making everything all about your feelings. It’s basically ignoring the other peoples’ feelings and needs because you’re so caught up in your own.

This is OP. This is an interesting comment. I’m not sure it rings true though. He doesn’t share how he’s feeling with our kids. He would probably worry that his feeling badly might cause them to feel badly. He does try to help the kids with whatever they are going through or whatever he’s worried they might feel. The kids don’t know he’s upset, but I know him very well. For example, he’ll ask me 100 times after a bb game, “ do you think larlo’s Ok” but not in front of DS. Or, I can see how anxious he is before the game bc he’s worrying it will go poorly for DS. Yet, I wouldn’t describe him as generally empathetic either bc he’s not overly bothered if I or other people he cares about has a problem.

It’s good that he hiding it from them now—that suggests he knows it wouldn’t be healthy for them to know how upset he is. But as they get older I think it will be clear to them, if it’s not already. Kids are pretty perceptive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And you married this person ... why? Alternatively, why haven’t you divorced him?

Huh? Why would this lead to divorce?

Because it’s unmanly and really, really odd.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like anxiety + he’s also highly sensitive (look up Elaine Aron). Could also be OCD - trying super hard to ‘control’ things. Health-related issues are triggers bc you don’t have control over them - and they can be totally sudden/unexpected. He might also be stressed about the time, money and/or energy that’s required to take care of the issue. Sounds like he was also bullied and never got over it. Does the same thing happen in any other area of his life? Just my two cents. I agree with PP...he definitely needs therapy for the sake of everyone involved. If your company has an EAP, they sometimes have free therapy sessions with professionals in your area. I’d also ignore the douchebag “divorce him” poster above. That kind of poster always pops up to judge/shame people with emotional or mental issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people are wrong to describe this as “empathy.” Empathy is understanding the feelings of others. This is elevating your own feelings over those of others and making everything all about your feelings. It’s basically ignoring the other peoples’ feelings and needs because you’re so caught up in your own.

This is OP. This is an interesting comment. I’m not sure it rings true though. He doesn’t share how he’s feeling with our kids. He would probably worry that his feeling badly might cause them to feel badly. He does try to help the kids with whatever they are going through or whatever he’s worried they might feel. The kids don’t know he’s upset, but I know him very well. For example, he’ll ask me 100 times after a bb game, “ do you think larlo’s Ok” but not in front of DS. Or, I can see how anxious he is before the game bc he’s worrying it will go poorly for DS. Yet, I wouldn’t describe him as generally empathetic either bc he’s not overly bothered if I or other people he cares about has a problem.

Don't you think they're going to start picking up on this at some point? A child who has a parent without healthy boundaries is not allowed to feel fully or be themselves fully, because on some level, they'll feel they need to keep from upsetting the parent. Your husband has a real anxiety issue, and perhaps could also stand to work on boundaries as they relate to the kids.

x1000 OP, don't delude yourself that the children are not recognizing his behavior for what it is. Children are so remarkably aware of the nuances of their parents moods. Please encourage your husband to see some help so that he can be a better parent. As it stands now your children may already be withholding information about their lives because of how they think Daddy will react. That is not a good foundation for them as they become older and head into their tween and teen years.

[Anonymous]

How was his childhood?

My mom behaved this way. You do learn to avoid bringing them bad news, no matter how trivial the bad news is. They become someone you can not turn to or confide in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only recently learned that people with this type of extreme empathy often have real differences in the way their brains work. When the typical person sees someone hurting, we feel for them because our brain fires certain neurons. Just like if you see someone get a paper cut, or bump their head, you "feel" it, and cringe. Sometimes people have overactive neurons. I don't have any advice, but this knowledge has helped me be more accepting of people like your dh.

Thanks. I am like Op’s Husband. I have always been very empathetic. My oldest son is like this too. We feel very deeply.

[Anonymous]

So, wait, you kid is sick and your DH is so sick with worry that you have to worry about him? So he is making it all about himself? I am not sure what martyr/victim/narcisist behavior is this, but no way I would call this an empath, as you pointed out he doesn't care about other people's feeling well or not.
My DS is an empath who has social anxiety, often it makes him helpful to people who are bullied or in trouble or careful not to hurt their feelings. Never has it made him sick with worry about a person having a cold or a cut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How was his childhood?

My mom behaved this way. You do learn to avoid bringing them bad news, no matter how trivial the bad news is. They become someone you can not turn to or confide in.

In reading this, I realize that my mom was like this too. Now as an adult, I try not to tell her about bad stuff. She acts as if illnesses were caused by me somehow. Like I brought them onto myself. She’s gotten better about it now that my siblings and I are adults now.

[Anonymous]

^^ I also wanted to add...it will make you and your kids afraid to tell him about bad things. I really hope he can get some help.