Husband feels our children's pain so intensely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How was his childhood?

My mom behaved this way. You do learn to avoid bringing them bad news, no matter how trivial the bad news is. They become someone you can not turn to or confide in.

In reading this, I realize that my mom was like this too. Now as an adult, I try not to tell her about bad stuff. She acts as if illnesses were caused by me somehow. Like I brought them onto myself. She’s gotten better about it now that my siblings and I are adults now.

That sounds different and way more hurtful.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know how you stand this, OP. I don’t think it is normal.

[Anonymous]

It's one thing to show empathy to your kid and help articulate emotions they may be feeling, but if your th is over the top and making it worse/reminding your kid about sadness/hurt than that's a problem.

[Anonymous]

He needs to learn to let go. Our kids are only ours for a time. We either teach them how to survive, or we teach them how to fail. Things happen in life. Sometimes bad things. His reactions are not lost on your children. He's not doing them any favors. It's one thing to care and to love, but it's another thing to handicap them. When my son was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes at age 11, he tried the Woe is me routine for a bit. That didn't fly with me. I told him to suck it up and deal with it. Yes, it's bad, but it could be much, much worse. He is now 22 and one of the hardest working men that I know. He never uses it as an excuse. He refuses to let it stop him. Make your kids tough, not soft. The world won't pull any punches.

[Anonymous]

Is your husband an empath? Empathy tend to feel things very deeply. If you can read up on it, you might be able to help him find some coping mechanisms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think its nice Dad is empathetic. I have a disfiguration due to a surgery and its very noticeable. My parents always acted like it was no big deal but I got teased constantly through high school and it was one. Maybe your minimizing the impact is equally harmful. I wish just once my parents acknowledged it.

I was born with a severe leg disability and while I know it pained my parents that I was born that way they didn't treat it like it was a big deal. They knew I'd have it for life and I needed to deal with it. It was up to me what I wanted to accomplish but they were always supportive and helpful just like most parents. They never sought special treatment for me in terms of sports. I got teased and picked on but thanks to having a few older brothers I knew how to deal with bullies. I know they were incredibly proud of what I accomplished as an athlete, not what I accomplished as a handicapped athlete. If my Dad had been like OP's DH he would have been a basket case. Instead, he loved to run my butt all over the tennis court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people are wrong to describe this as “empathy.” Empathy is understanding the feelings of others. This is elevating your own feelings over those of others and making everything all about your feelings. It’s basically ignoring the other peoples’ feelings and needs because you’re so caught up in your own.

This is OP. This is an interesting comment. I’m not sure it rings true though. He doesn’t share how he’s feeling with our kids. He would probably worry that his feeling badly might cause them to feel badly. He does try to help the kids with whatever they are going through or whatever he’s worried they might feel. The kids don’t know he’s upset, but I know him very well. For example, he’ll ask me 100 times after a bb game, “ do you think larlo’s Ok” but not in front of DS. Or, I can see how anxious he is before the game bc he’s worrying it will go poorly for DS. Yet, I wouldn’t describe him as generally empathetic either bc he’s not overly bothered if I or other people he cares about has a problem.

They can tell. Kids are highly attuned to the moods of their parents. They may not be able to put their finger on it exactly, but they can absolutely tell. Asking if Larlo is okay 100 times after a youth basketball game is a sign of likely anxiety and mental distress, and it is not a positive thing. He needs to see a therapist and/or a psychiatrist and work on getting his anxiety under control. You don't want your kids hiding their activities from your DH when they get to be older so that they avoid distressing him. He needs to get this under control before they become teenagers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How was his childhood?

My mom behaved this way. You do learn to avoid bringing them bad news, no matter how trivial the bad news is. They become someone you can not turn to or confide in.

Yep, my mom was like this too. I was sexually assaulted when I was 13 and didn't tell her because I couldn't handle managing her reaction at the same time I was trying to come to grips with what had happened to me.

This isn't empathy. It's narcissism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How was his childhood?

My mom behaved this way. You do learn to avoid bringing them bad news, no matter how trivial the bad news is. They become someone you can not turn to or confide in.

Yep, my mom was like this too. I was sexually assaulted when I was 13 and didn't tell her because I couldn't handle managing her reaction at the same time I was trying to come to grips with what had happened to me.

This isn't empathy. It's narcissism.

+1 yes, it's narcissism as it becomes about them and attention is taken from the true victim.
I am truly sorry this happened to you.

[Anonymous]

He is empathetic. Is he psychic too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its nice Dad is empathetic. I have a disfiguration due to a surgery and its very noticeable. My parents always acted like it was no big deal but I got teased constantly through high school and it was one. Maybe your minimizing the impact is equally harmful. I wish just once my parents acknowledged it.

I was born with a severe leg disability and while I know it pained my parents that I was born that way they didn't treat it like it was a big deal. They knew I'd have it for life and I needed to deal with it. It was up to me what I wanted to accomplish but they were always supportive and helpful just like most parents. They never sought special treatment for me in terms of sports. I got teased and picked on but thanks to having a few older brothers I knew how to deal with bullies. I know they were incredibly proud of what I accomplished as an athlete, not what I accomplished as a handicapped athlete. If my Dad had been like OP's DH he would have been a basket case. Instead, he loved to run my butt all over the tennis court.

I think it's hard for parents with a child born like you to not want to help them, it's in their DNA. Did you ever wish for more involvement?

[Anonymous]

He's so empathetic he suffers too much. The problem is when he suffers more than your child is suffering, projecting his suffering onto them. Kids need to learn to be okay with their emotions. If your child is okay, so should your husband be. Your DH needs to learn to not create more things to suffer about than necessary. I am likes this too. You can get stuck feeling someone's pain which is not always helpful if you should be taking some other action. I would make a bad ER doctor because I'd be so busy empathizing, I wouldn't be able to operate on the patient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its nice Dad is empathetic. I have a disfiguration due to a surgery and its very noticeable. My parents always acted like it was no big deal but I got teased constantly through high school and it was one. Maybe your minimizing the impact is equally harmful. I wish just once my parents acknowledged it.

I was born with a severe leg disability and while I know it pained my parents that I was born that way they didn't treat it like it was a big deal. They knew I'd have it for life and I needed to deal with it. It was up to me what I wanted to accomplish but they were always supportive and helpful just like most parents. They never sought special treatment for me in terms of sports. I got teased and picked on but thanks to having a few older brothers I knew how to deal with bullies. I know they were incredibly proud of what I accomplished as an athlete, not what I accomplished as a handicapped athlete. If my Dad had been like OP's DH he would have been a basket case. Instead, he loved to run my butt all over the tennis court.

I think it's hard for parents with a child born like you to not want to help them, it's in their DNA. Did you ever wish for more involvement?

PP - no, I came from a big family so they needed to share their time with a small army. They let me try a ton of sports even those that they knew were very risky for me. It was really up to me to determine my limitations which I did through trial, error and a few broken bones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like that and I am like that with my own kids. I can cry just thinking about my kids potential future suffering. I don’t think it’s a big deal. I like this about suffering in general. I have no problem seeing a dead animal, but seeing an animal suffering while dying, just kills me. My dad and brother love to fish and sometime they catch something big that give them a fight for their money. Tunas for example have a lot of blood. I remember crying and desperately asking them to release the poor tuna that was struggling on our boat bleeding everywhere. I cannot stand suffering in general. A therapist once told me that it’s because I am extremely empathetic and feel other people’s pain more so than others.

I think this is a horrible comment used to justify your anxiety, and how dare a therapist tell you that you "feel other people's pain more so than others."

Any rational person feels other people's pain. Some of us just know how to handle it.

[Anonymous]

OP, your DH is likely an empath. It's not something he needs to fix. He probably doesn't need therapy. He just needs to learn to manage the energy better. It takes work and practice. We tend to be very sensitive and often very psychic. It's a good thing! Have your DH do some research into what it means to be an empath.