Daughter is feeling nervous about new step siblings

[Anonymous]

Getting remarried this summer. We’ve been dating for three years. My daughter is 9, fiancé has a son and daughter that are 14 and 11. The kids get along well, but DD is afraid things will change once we’re married and under the same roof. She thinks I’m going to ignore her in favor of his kids. She’s also worried that if we have another baby, she’ll be pushed further out of the family. I was shocked to hear this from her. I’ve tried to reassure her that none of that will happen. I don’t know what else I can do! Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

[Anonymous]

Too soon to remarry.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you make a plan that you and she will have a "Mommy and Larla" date, just the two of you, each week? Either go for a walk, or hole up in your room and play a board game, or go out for a Starbucks together, whatever. It can be like a check-in time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is afraid things will change once we’re married and under the same roof.

She's right, isn't she?

[Anonymous]

Will the 14 and 11 year old be living with you full time, or just some times? Does your daughter live with her other parent part of the time? Will those times coincide?

[Anonymous]

Acknowledge that yes things will change. You can let her know you are nervous too about being a step parent. Talk about how things can change and be different and that will bring some benefits and some challenges. If your DD hits it off with the 11 year old girl, having a live in friend can be awesome. Talk about what you will do to protect the parts of the current relationships and family routines that are really important to your daughter.

[Anonymous]

AS one of 4 whose BFF was an only, I can tell you that she is probably aware already of the differences in families with multiple kids and her own experience. It is hard to move out of the spotlight when it is is all you have known.

[Anonymous]

The weekly 1-on-1 check in time sounds like a great idea. Have her name her fears and rate them on a 1-10 scale, so you can get a sense of where to put your energy as you try and support her. Blending with tweens can be really tough, they aren't as flexible as little kids, but they are still really tied to the home and dependent on parents. Does she have a good relationship with your guy? Are you and he on the same page about discipline-I've seen a lot of relationship conflict over the role of stepparents in kids' lives.

[Anonymous]

A lot of good advice here. I agree that telling her that this isn’t going to be a problem is pointless. For starters it absolutely will cause problems. Any major change is going to have some positives and some negatives, so promising her there will be no negatives is pretty ridiculous. And trying to tell her that only the positives are valid things to see and talk about is also pretty ridiculous.

Instead focus the conversation on making her feel heard and problem-solving how to address her concerns. If she is worried that she won’t get one on one time with you, make a plan for exactly when you will continue to have one on one time. If she is worried that you will spend too much time with the step siblings, talk through a typical week and which time will be hers, which time will be shared with all the kids, which time will be spouses only, and which time might be one on one with you and one or other of the step kids. Ask her which things she thinks will work well with the new arrangement. Point out that just like the step kids will get some of your attention, she will also get some new attention from her stepparent, and that there might be things that she and stepparent can do together or talk about together that you and your daughter never did. But mostly, just listen and let her know that you hear her and her worries are real and important to you.

[Anonymous]

She's one smart cookie because things will change drastically and not for the good. Few, if any, blended families end up being the Brady Bunch. You have no right to do this to her.

[Anonymous]

Tell her you definitely don’t plan on another baby, if that’s the case.

[Anonymous]

Wait until your daughter is 18 to remarry. Her concerns are legitimate and real. Until your daughter is 18, she needs to be your priority, not a man or his kids. You are being very selfish by doing this for yourself and to her. Listen to your daughter.

[Anonymous]

And this is why people with minor children shouldn’t remarry. She is scared OP. Between her concerns and the divorce rate of second marriages— well you have your head in the sand.

Focus on your child.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP but I have to say I've been there/done that and it is not the fairy tale you think it will be. When 2 people are madly in love they think the kids will be fine, everyone will adjust, love conquers all, blah blah blah.

What will happen is that every kid will feel short changed and you and your fiance will both feel that the others children are spoiled and you each don't discipline them strongly enough.

I implore you to find a therapist that specializes in blending families and you and your fiance meet with her/him for several months prior to the wedding. You can set realistic expectations and boundaries that way.

[Anonymous]

And don't change your name! That was the best piece of advice my therapist gave me. She said for the child it feels like you're leaving then and joining another family. Do not do it.