Daughter is feeling nervous about new step siblings

[Anonymous]

Anxiety isn't helped by someone telling an anxious person that their fears will not come true. Talk to her about what would happen if her fears DID come true. If you did spend too much time with the other kids. If you did have another baby.

[Anonymous]

I think there is great advice here. I agree with 11:55 about therapy. Someone who can give you advice before you set up a situation....always better than setting up something incorrectly and having to correct it.

I also think you should do a new post, with a subject line that gets right to the point, something like:

"If you created a blended family, or grew up in a blended family, what helped it work, or what undermined its success?"

Basically, looking for rules/routines/ to help you set up your household in such a way as to foster a healthy dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Please please don't do this to your daughter. I say this as a stepmom. We waited until my stepdaughter was 18 and it was still really really traumatic for her when we had a baby. Your daughter is absolutely right and justified in her fears.

Please read the book Stepmonster. Being a stepparent is exponentially harder than being a parent.

Frankly, what your fiancé proposes to do to his adolescent children is even worse, especially to his daughter. She is entering the hardest transition of her lie. You should NOT be competing with her for his attention. This is the wrong time to marry. Really really wrong. If you love each other, support each other as parents by not marrying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too soon to remarry.

OP didn't even say how long she has been divorced so how can you claim to know whether or not it is "too soon" for her to remarry? She did say that she has been dating her fiance for 3 years so she is definitely not bringing some man she barely knows into her daughter's life as a new stepfather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait until your daughter is 18 to remarry. Her concerns are legitimate and real. Until your daughter is 18, she needs to be your priority, not a man or his kids. You are being very selfish by doing this for yourself and to her. Listen to your daughter.

No way. I think it's important for minor children to see loving marriages and happy couples.

[Anonymous]

This sounds horrible for all the kids involved, but especially for your daughter, who will go from an only to one of 3 (or 4??) kids. New siblings who are or will be teenagers soon sounds like nightmare, especially for a kid who will be a preteen soon enough. And are you planning to have another baby? If so, the attention to your daughter will dwindle to close to nothing (compared to now, where she is likely the center of your life). How can you be shocked by her statements? This sounds dreadful to me. You are doing this for yourself, not for her. And good luck to you for step-parenting two teens!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP but I have to say I've been there/done that and it is not the fairy tale you think it will be. When 2 people are madly in love they think the kids will be fine, everyone will adjust, love conquers all, blah blah blah.

What will happen is that every kid will feel short changed and you and your fiance will both feel that the others children are spoiled and you each don't discipline them strongly enough.

I implore you to find a therapist that specializes in blending families and you and your fiance meet with her/him for several months prior to the wedding. You can set realistic expectations and boundaries that way.

OP here, I’ll definitely look into this! Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And don't change your name! That was the best piece of advice my therapist gave me. She said for the child it feels like you're leaving then and joining another family. Do not do it.

I went back to my maiden name after my divorce and have no intention of going through the hassle of changing it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please please don't do this to your daughter. I say this as a stepmom. We waited until my stepdaughter was 18 and it was still really really traumatic for her when we had a baby. Your daughter is absolutely right and justified in her fears.

Please read the book Stepmonster. Being a stepparent is exponentially harder than being a parent.

Frankly, what your fiancé proposes to do to his adolescent children is even worse, especially to his daughter. She is entering the hardest transition of her lie. You should NOT be competing with her for his attention. This is the wrong time to marry. Really really wrong. If you love each other, support each other as parents by not marrying.

Was she over 18 when you had the baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait until your daughter is 18 to remarry. Her concerns are legitimate and real. Until your daughter is 18, she needs to be your priority, not a man or his kids. You are being very selfish by doing this for yourself and to her. Listen to your daughter.

No way. I think it's important for minor children to see loving marriages and happy couples.

The OP already showed her a bad example with her first husband. She doesn't need another bad example with the second when it will undoubtedly cause the child stress and unhappiness. The OP had her chance with hubby number 1, now it is her time to prioritize her daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait until your daughter is 18 to remarry. Her concerns are legitimate and real. Until your daughter is 18, she needs to be your priority, not a man or his kids. You are being very selfish by doing this for yourself and to her. Listen to your daughter.

No way. I think it's important for minor children to see loving marriages and happy couples.

The OP already showed her a bad example with her first husband. She doesn't need another bad example with the second when it will undoubtedly cause the child stress and unhappiness. The OP had her chance with hubby number 1, now it is her time to prioritize her daughter.

Parents can be in loving relationships and still make their kids a priority. She needs to be reassured things like where are you living - will she still get her own room equal to what she has now? Can she still do her activities? Will she still get mom time? What about her relationship with Dad. Its reasonable to be worried and ask questions.

[Anonymous]

You need to tell her she is right that things will change. Hold off on the wedding until she's been through therapy and is comfortable with the pending new situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait until your daughter is 18 to remarry. Her concerns are legitimate and real. Until your daughter is 18, she needs to be your priority, not a man or his kids. You are being very selfish by doing this for yourself and to her. Listen to your daughter.

No way. I think it's important for minor children to see loving marriages and happy couples.

The OP already showed her a bad example with her first husband. She doesn't need another bad example with the second when it will undoubtedly cause the child stress and unhappiness. The OP had her chance with hubby number 1, now it is her time to prioritize her daughter.

You have no idea why OP’s first marriage ended. OP might not have “had her chance”.

OP, find a good therapist to help you blend the family. I agree your kids should see a healthy marriage.

[Anonymous]

Routines and traditions, rules and consequences, living arrangements etc. may change. Many things will change and change is scary. Most 2nd marriages end in divorce, and the stats are higher for those bringing kids in from 1st marriage. Abuse from step family members is also a risk, and your child being the youngest makes her the most vulnerable. I agree therapy for her to discuss her fears, and blended family counselling for all of you to help bring this family together in the most healthy way possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait until your daughter is 18 to remarry. Her concerns are legitimate and real. Until your daughter is 18, she needs to be your priority, not a man or his kids. You are being very selfish by doing this for yourself and to her. Listen to your daughter.

No way. I think it's important for minor children to see loving marriages and happy couples.

The OP already showed her a bad example with her first husband. She doesn't need another bad example with the second when it will undoubtedly cause the child stress and unhappiness. The OP had her chance with hubby number 1, now it is her time to prioritize her daughter.

Parents can be in loving relationships and still make their kids a priority. She needs to be reassured things like where are you living - will she still get her own room equal to what she has now? Can she still do her activities? Will she still get mom time? What about her relationship with Dad. Its reasonable to be worried and ask questions.

+1 to all of this!

Finally a measured & reasonable response that doesn't involve sweeping generalizations, worst case scenario assumptions, or needless judgement & sanctimony!