How did you come to terms with secondary infertility/having an only child?
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Anonymous
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It took us 3 years of IUIs and IVF to have our daughter. We tried for a second and just got a negative pregnancy test on the last remaining embryo. So the journey is over. I'm sadder than I thought I'd be (and if I had read this message while we were struggling to have just 1, I wouldn't have related at all). So I guess I'm just wondering how other people closed the book on this chapter. I'm 42, and while there's a part of me that wants to keep trying, I know that, if I couldn't get one to stick with 38 year old eggs, doing another retrieval at 42 is kinda insane. At 38, I got plenty of eggs, 8 embryos, and only 1 was PGS normal (and just got the negative pregnancy test from that one).
Please don't be mean and tell me to just cherish my one kid (I do!). I'm really just looking for a new lens on all of this. What helped you move on when ending the attempts? Thanks. |
Anonymous
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Yes I can relate OP. I'm 40, have a son who I got pregnant with on the first try at age 36, perfect pregnancy and delivery, then started TTC #2 when he was 8 months old. I was soon to learn that I was already completely infertile and would never be pregnant a second time.
Now I've been TTC #2 for 3.5 years, 4 IUIs and 4 IVFs and never seen a BFP. I have been trying to come to terms with this but it's very hard because I have no answers. All my tests results are very good/excellent. If I have DOR it's very mild because my AFC is good. I feel very depressed about all this. I try to focus on the positives of having an only child and there are many. But I still feel really sad because my family feels incomplete every day. It's so incredibly hard. I just cleared out the closets of all the baby/toddler stuff and that made me feel so incredibly sad. I've been seeing a therapist who specialized in infertility but it really hasn't helped. When I see families with an only child my first reaction is to feel bad for them and I always wonder if they too are experiencing secondary infertility. When I get sad I try to focus on the better balance i will be able to have with just one (being able to have a career/more time for marriage, hobbies, etc.) |
Anonymous
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Melissa Kilbride, a therapist, offers this group, which might be helpful for some of you still deciding about ending fertility treatments:
When is Enough Enough? A support group for the parents of one child, trying to make the decision about when to end fertility treatment. This group is held on the second Thursday of the month at 7pm and the cost is $20. Her website is www.mlktherapy.com |
Anonymous
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I don't have helpful advice, but am also in the same position. I have a daughter who was pretty much an accident and born just prior to by 40th birthday. I just turned 43 have done 5 rounds of stimulated IVF, 1 natural cycle, am trying a minimal stim cycle and then DE. So far everything has been well covered by insurance, but the DE cycle won't be and our fertility issues make the DE far less than a sure thing. The process is more stressful with a potential end in sight and I have yet to figure out how I'll handle the end. I'm making a note of the therapist the PP mentioned!
My family was big on the "at least you have 1 child" response. Yes, we're very lucky to have one child, but one person's existence isn't a consolation prize for the lack of a desired other person's existence. Different, yes, but I can't imagine comforting someone by saying hey, I know your mom is gone, but at least you have your dad. I know they mean well, though. My husband's therapist has told him that infertility is a loss and should be grieved as such. I think it's true. Different than a death in the family, but still similarly painful - and very difficult to deal with b/c you often keep it secret from others and even if you tell people, if they haven't experienced it, they don't understand it well and therefore aren't able to be as supportive. |
Anonymous
| NP: I’m also trying to come to the terms. Already in the early 40s, with one DC (without assistance 7 years ago). I began IVF a year ago when DH was finally ready for #2. Have had half dozen failed IVF cycles. Part of me knows it’s about time to give up and move on. Like another poster, I too try to focus on some positives of having just one child—work-life balance, etc... We are moving soon and the rational thing to do would be to start getting rid of (eg gifting, donating etc) all the baby stuff. But boy is it hard! I take a great comfort in knowing on this board that I’m not alone in this journey. |
Anonymous
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It is hard when there is a hole in your family and when you can't make your body do something and when you feel desperate for one more new beginning. The only think that helps me is still trying every month when I've long given up on interventions.
and enjoying caffeine. |
Anonymous
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My DH and I have been on this journey for almost 5 years. We have had two failed rounds of IVF where we never had anything to transfer. We just did a third cycle and froze 5 embryos on Day 3 since we never get any blasts. We are close to deciding that if these 5 don’t work, we will be done.
I had an interesting experience today at an activity where my DD (7 and a half) was the only kid there without siblings. I realized my family is so much less frazzled. I thought to myself, maybe this is just how it is meant to be. A newborn and an 8 or 9 year old...I don’t know. Of course I know that if this last cycle ends in failure like the first 2, I will be devastated. My feelings are chaotic right now. But I see this as a step towards acceptance. |
Anonymous
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Different situation - and I hope it's okay that I'm posting here - but I also have an only and really struggled with wanting to have another. My XDH had an EA shortly after my DD, now 7, was born. After spending a couple of years "working on the marriage", he left me for his AP. At the time, loosing the hope of having another DC was one of the hardest parts of all of it. While I was going through a separation and divorce, many of my friends have gone on to have 1 or 2 more kids.
Now, while it's still technically possible that I could have another, I've come to terms with it for the most part. Really, it's because I had to. I just could not hold out hope given my situation, and I didn't want to rush into a relationship just for that reason. I agree with others that there are many benefits to having just one DC, and like you all, I too, cherish my DD immensely. I don't think there is an easy answer here, but I wanted to offer my support. And share that it is possible to come to peace with having just one kid, and feeling happy with that. |
Anonymous
| I just found out our last FET didnt work. We have no more money for ivf and i’ll be 39 in two months. I love my daughter but truly feel my family isnt complete. I have severe DOR and a blocked tube can’t get pregnant naturally. |
Anonymous
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You grieve, like anything else big and hard and emotionally wrenching.
Allow yourself to grieve the life you've been envisioning with two children. I think that's the only way you will be able to move past it. I'm sorry. I wish it was an easy answer. |
Anonymous
PP here: So sorry to hear. As I wait for the PGS result of what will likely be my last IVF embryo (so far 0 for 0), my thoughts are with you... Hang in there. |
Anonymous
| I can't answer that. After a long period of trying, I'm actually pretty content with having one kid, but something feels terrible about the fact that my body is too old to have more. Is that totally crazy? |
Anonymous
| I didn’t want to so I used donor eggs and had two more. |
Anonymous
| We adopted our second child. She completed our family, and is a blessing. Adoption isn't right for everyone, but for us, it was a good choice. |
Anonymous
We did the same. I always think if you can’t come to peace with giving up the dream - find a way to make the dream come true - donar eggs, embryo adoption, adoption are all options |