How did you come to terms with secondary infertility/having an only child?

[Anonymous]

This post is not regarding the OP but the inevitable tangent such posts take.


1. Pain is pain. Therefore pain is valid, even when another's pain may be ostensibly "worst" or have lasted longer.

2. primary v. secondary infertility are the same in that the deepest desire that most people will feel, that of having a child, is not being realized at that moment. for a woman wanting to carry the child, the loss may be compounded by the inability to be pregnant. the desire to be pregnant, apart from having a child, is also a very intense desire that many women experience.

3. the key difference IMO is not the pain. but rather the social aspect. as a mother of one, you are not excluded from mother's day. when another person, even a stranger at target asks casually if you have a child you can respond in the affirmative. you are not on the outside looking in on the "mommy's club". playdates, summer days in the park, and even the complaining of motherhood is something to which you can relate. relationships w/ other friends change when you are the only couple without a child. i don't think folks are excluded if they have one child vs. more children from any other above experiences. i know people are asked "when will you have another" and this is more intense when the asking is from your child. however, the social stigma associated with childlessness is a knife that punctures the soul of a childless couple that having even one child minimizes significantly.

4. I am not saying that it isn't hard to empathetic but it is important not to minimize another's pain. for example, I can understand the pain, in theory, of seconday infertility. i think may want at least 2 kids. i think for me those who discuss their secondary infertility in relation to having a 3rd or 4th child is where i struggle. so, i am preaching this post to myself.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Thanks to all of you for helpful replies, including those who replied to share that that my post was insensitive to those with primary infertility. I spent many years in that world, feeling so alone at baby showers, when friends met at parks so their kids could play, etc. Even if I no longer share your pain now that I have a child, I am so, so sorry if I added to it. I tried to avoid triggering any sadness by putting "secondary infertility" in the subject line (I know I avoided those posts like the plague during my 3.5 years of IVF). Still, I truly apologize for causing any pain.

After years of negative pregnancy tests and miscarriages, I know how f*ing shitty infertility feels, and I would never want to add to that burden. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

And to those who came to peace with secondary infertility, thank you for sharing your words and thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post is not regarding the OP but the inevitable tangent such posts take.


1. Pain is pain. Therefore pain is valid, even when another's pain may be ostensibly "worst" or have lasted longer.

2. primary v. secondary infertility are the same in that the deepest desire that most people will feel, that of having a child, is not being realized at that moment. for a woman wanting to carry the child, the loss may be compounded by the inability to be pregnant. the desire to be pregnant, apart from having a child, is also a very intense desire that many women experience.

3. the key difference IMO is not the pain. but rather the social aspect. as a mother of one, you are not excluded from mother's day. when another person, even a stranger at target asks casually if you have a child you can respond in the affirmative. you are not on the outside looking in on the "mommy's club". playdates, summer days in the park, and even the complaining of motherhood is something to which you can relate. relationships w/ other friends change when you are the only couple without a child. i don't think folks are excluded if they have one child vs. more children from any other above experiences. i know people are asked "when will you have another" and this is more intense when the asking is from your child. however, the social stigma associated with childlessness is a knife that punctures the soul of a childless couple that having even one child minimizes significantly.

4. I am not saying that it isn't hard to empathetic but it is important not to minimize another's pain. for example, I can understand the pain, in theory, of seconday infertility. i think may want at least 2 kids. i think for me those who discuss their secondary infertility in relation to having a 3rd or 4th child is where i struggle. so, i am preaching this post to myself.

Likewise, I am now bombarded almost daily with why am I depriving my child of a sibling? Because I can’t have one. Every single day we are out in the world some stranger finds it appropriate to ask about a sibling. Two years of failed treatment good sir. Weddings, church, coworkers all want to tell me how much my child will suffer as an only and is lonely and not socializes. Only children are stigmatized well into adulthood and it sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post is not regarding the OP but the inevitable tangent such posts take.


1. Pain is pain. Therefore pain is valid, even when another's pain may be ostensibly "worst" or have lasted longer.

2. primary v. secondary infertility are the same in that the deepest desire that most people will feel, that of having a child, is not being realized at that moment. for a woman wanting to carry the child, the loss may be compounded by the inability to be pregnant. the desire to be pregnant, apart from having a child, is also a very intense desire that many women experience.

3. the key difference IMO is not the pain. but rather the social aspect. as a mother of one, you are not excluded from mother's day. when another person, even a stranger at target asks casually if you have a child you can respond in the affirmative. you are not on the outside looking in on the "mommy's club". playdates, summer days in the park, and even the complaining of motherhood is something to which you can relate. relationships w/ other friends change when you are the only couple without a child. i don't think folks are excluded if they have one child vs. more children from any other above experiences. i know people are asked "when will you have another" and this is more intense when the asking is from your child. however, the social stigma associated with childlessness is a knife that punctures the soul of a childless couple that having even one child minimizes significantly.

4. I am not saying that it isn't hard to empathetic but it is important not to minimize another's pain. for example, I can understand the pain, in theory, of seconday infertility. i think may want at least 2 kids. i think for me those who discuss their secondary infertility in relation to having a 3rd or 4th child is where i struggle. so, i am preaching this post to myself.

Likewise, I am now bombarded almost daily with why am I depriving my child of a sibling? Because I can’t have one. Every single day we are out in the world some stranger finds it appropriate to ask about a sibling. Two years of failed treatment good sir. Weddings, church, coworkers all want to tell me how much my child will suffer as an only and is lonely and not socializes. Only children are stigmatized well into adulthood and it sucks.

you must have a really huge social circle? where do you live? I had secondary infertility and at no point was I "bombarded daily" or "approached every single day by a stranger who asked about a sibling". on occasion, sure, and it was painful but nothing approaching everyday occurrence.