Question about couples therapy
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Anonymous
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I am currently in therapy with my husband, thinking we were committed on working on our relationship. Our therapist has made suggestions on things we can try- he sits on the couch and nods, but then refuses when we go home. He also sees her separately (I don't). I'm a pretty emotional person and I've been a bit distraught over the fact that he won't implement her ideas. One example, he won't sit and hold my hands- setting a timer for 4 minutes- so we can feel "connected". Today she suggested that I should try medication because I'm so upset over all this. I'm just confused- I'm married to a person that is repulsed by the idea of holding my hands, and I should be medicated so what, I can numb myself and be OK with not having been touched in over a year?
To me that seems crazy, but I might be losing my grip with reality here. I'd prefer not to take any medication (not even sure what kind she it talking about), but does this seem right? I am willing to do anything to not rip apart my kids' world, but is it a good idea to numb myself so that I am content in a loveless marriage? 10 years ago I would have slapped myself across the face for even considering this... but maybe...?? |
Anonymous
I should add- she is the professional, so maybe she is right? |
Anonymous
Couples therapy should consist of each of you having individual appointments plus the joint appointments. You need to unpack the evolution of how you got to this place with a third party. you also need to tell your side of things in a safe environment. Right now, said therapist is only hearing about things from your spouse and your joint appts. Hope he isn't gaslighting and lying a lot. Is she aware that your spouse won't work on what you are both supposed to work on? sounds like his head and heart aren't in it. |
Anonymous
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I'm guessing that she thinks you are overreacting due to years and years of issues. To you, not wanting to hold your hands for four minutes is not just a momentary issue, it's the tip of a huge iceberg, right?
Either way, I don't think this is the right therapist for you personally (it could still be a good one for the two of you). Have you thought about getting your own independent therapist, one that you can communicate with more clearly/easily? It might be helpful even to do 3-4 sessions (but first you should interview a number of them before committing). |
Anonymous
| Just get divorced. |
Anonymous
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OP here: I feel like I am going crazy. I'm married to a man who won't touch me, it's been over a year since sex- I've initiated but been rejected multiple times, to the point where I won't initiate anymore.
Would medication let me be OK with this? Is it worth it? Will I just be some walking zombie shell of a person? |
Anonymous
So this is what you bring up in your joint session. “Larlo, it was agreed that you would hold my hands for 4 minutes a day, but when it comes down to it, you refuse. This makes me feel rejected. Can we talk about how to reach the four minute goal?” |
Anonymous
Just get divorced poster here. I am not joking. I was in your shoes three years ago. If you DH is like this now, there's little medication or a therapist can do. Very little. The sooner you figure out how to create a life for you and your children as divorced people the better. I wish I had someone slap me several times and make me repeat this. You do not need medication. You need a divorce. I'm a big Catholic too. I did it all, read the books, did the therapy. This guy won't even hold your hand. Get OUT! You will be so happy you did. |
Anonymous
| The therapist is wrong. You should not have to numb yourself so you can live like this. There is something seriously wrong, and the problem goes very deep. If you haven't had sex in that long, you kept initiating and being rejected, the problem lies with him. You need to switch therapists. |
Anonymous
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Quit this therapist STAT. Some are actually toxic or just bad at their jobs. Some are just impatient tired, jaded, biased for whatever reason against your relationship--I've gone through 3 to get to the one we have and he might not be right for you. (don't ask me his name--it's hard enough for us to get an appt as it is.
Nothing is perfect, but no therapist--particularly one who is not a Psy.d or an MD had better try to tell me about medication--they're out of their depth. We see an LCSW, by the way. |
Anonymous
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OP--I'm the one who told you to quit thiss therapist--I mean this to be a gentle as possible when you do find one you like--please be aware it really can be a very long process. We've been going 2 years and really the breakthroughs can only come when they come. Assuming no abuse or infidelity--because those can be such deal breakers that calling quits on the marriage can be the best option quicker.
For xes dysfunction--it can be abit of a slog. You will have back sliding and return to ruts and hopeless feelings all along the way--it is so scary actually. You just want to quit the marriage every other week sometimes. But then the periods of harmony can slowly start to get longer--sometimes. You do have to know your limits though. If he won't even take baby steps with you after months and months and months, maybe it's time to hit the gym, get in shape and take a lover or call a lawyer or both. |
Anonymous
| I made a post about marriage counselors. They're horrible. |
Anonymous
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OP, your husband ulis chcked out. I was you.... He just sat there and appeared to agree, but then wouldn't do the readings saying that he just "couldnt" and wouldn't do the homework. He was already done. I hit my head against the brick wall for a solid year, but in the end I regret it because he couldn't even be bothered to read a one page article.
He's done. Marriages can't be saves when it one partner is trying. He's done. |
Anonymous
Neither OP nor the therapist can force OP’s husband to hold her hand. So if OP wants to stay in a marriage where her hand isn’t getting held, and her emotions about it are affecting her life, then yes, she may need to numb those emotions. The alternative is leaving him, or seeking hand holding elsewhere, with or without his permission. Substitute “sex” for “hand holding”. If a husband couldn’t control his anger because his wife won’t have sex with him for four minutes, what are his options? Medicate, leave, or have needs met elsewhere. |
Anonymous
(OP here)- thanks for the reality check in the a$$ that I need. I really don't want to medicate myself, and now I'm so mad at myself for letting myself believe that I should |