Question about couples therapy

[Anonymous]

Where is this holding hands for four minutes thing coming from? I like physical affection from my husband, but a mandated four minutes of holding hands would make me start feeling twitchy. Not everyone feels a connection through that kind of physical contact, he may need to find other ways to feel a connection before he's going to be comfortable with that kind of physical intimacy.

More broadly, though, if he's nodding along while you're in the session but not following through at home, that's a pretty clear sign that he's not really comfortable with these suggestions and may just be agreeing with them to keep the peace and avoid conflict. That you're apparently getting sufficiently upset over this that the therapist has recommended medication for you tends to confirm this suspicion. If that's the case,that's a big thing you need to work out with him because if he doesn't trust he can be open and honest with you without being punished for it, you can't make progress on anything else.

[Anonymous]

The way I see it is that the therapist suggested medication because you are so upset (forget for the moment that he won't hold your hand). Don't take meds if you don't want to. Are you reading into it that he is too repulsed by you to hold your hand, or did he actual tell you that? I'd tell the therapist you are frustrated he's not making an effort. Can he hold your hand for 10 seconds and work up to 4 minutes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I feel like I am going crazy. I'm married to a man who won't touch me, it's been over a year since sex- I've initiated but been rejected multiple times, to the point where I won't initiate anymore.

Would medication let me be OK with this? Is it worth it? Will I just be some walking zombie shell of a person?

I’m so sorry you are going through this . Your husband not touching you over a year is very crazy. You should go to a therapist just for you. Why is he not touching you ?

I don’t think the medication will fix your marriage issues.

[Anonymous]

OP has there been infidelity in this marriage? If so, who cheated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP has there been infidelity in this marriage? If so, who cheated?

No infidelity that I'm aware of. I think he has a very low sex drive, and is unable to sustain an erection during sex. And I think he avoids anything physical so that it won't lead to sex. For 10 years I believed it was my fault that I was unable to satisfy him- that I wasn't attractive enough, good enough, etc. So yeah, my self esteem is pretty low and I think I should get therapy to deal with that and get it back.

[Anonymous]

Your therapist doesn't sound good! Mine (and many) think its unethical to see one part of a couple individually - in marital counseling the patient is the marriage and they're supposed to help you each find a way to work through unresolved issues of it, even if the resolution is divorce. They should not be biased towards one person or the other and working on individual issues should be done with a separate counselor. This is therapy 101.

Find a new therapist that specializes in Gottman. That person will help you get to the heart of whats wrong so you can decide whether there is fixing it, not give you silly exercises.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your therapist doesn't sound good! Mine (and many) think its unethical to see one part of a couple individually - in marital counseling the patient is the marriage and they're supposed to help you each find a way to work through unresolved issues of it, even if the resolution is divorce. They should not be biased towards one person or the other and working on individual issues should be done with a separate counselor. This is therapy 101.

Find a new therapist that specializes in Gottman. That person will help you get to the heart of whats wrong so you can decide whether there is fixing it, not give you silly exercises.

She asked if I was OK with seeing him alone and I said yes, so I guess that is on me.

[Anonymous]

Loneliness can be an overwhelming experience and process. Often others are in hopes we "get over It" due to they do not know how to comfort us during these times. It has been a daily challenge for me in seasons of my life and each time I lean more and more on my Comforter. I have learned and experienced moving onto another relationship is not the answer for me or the others involved UNTIL I am in peace, strength, and totally depending on the One who has made me for special purposes here on earth.