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[quote=Anonymous]I have an 18 year old step-son who lives with us 50% of the time. His relationship is much better with his father than with his mother, so, when things are difficult, he is usually here. Things  have gotten much more difficult in the last 6 months, and I'd love perspective from other parents of teens. My husband is /really/struggling with this, and, I feel like my role is mainly to support his decisions are far as DSS goes.

DSS isn't a bad kid. He gets average to above average grades in a challenging school; he has never been in actual trouble at school; he has a regular weekend job,; he has been accepted to several colleges he'd be happy to attend.
However, the last 6 months, he has really gone from zero to sixty in pushing boundaries. Things like smoking pot, lying about where is he overnight, sneaking his girlfriend into the basement overnight, etc. DSS's main attitude, when caught, seems to be that he is 18 and doing the adult things he wants to do.

DH is frustrated, and really feels like punishments are a lost cause at this point. DSS literally did one of the previously mentioned activities the first evening out after a week long grouding. DH is also struggling separating feeling personally hurt that his kid is being deceptive (DH, fwiw, is really on the permissive side. For example, he has no problem with occasional pot usage - as long as DSS doesn't drive, hold, or buy from strangers. He has no problem with DSS having safe sex, but doesn't want his girlfriend spending the night.) I know my husband is struggling with punishing (is there a point - this close to DSS being out of the house - when all these things will be easy for him to do) vs just withdrawing privileges (making DSS"s lunch every day, allowance, car usage) - I know he thinks there should be natural consequences - just like if you are untrustworthy in real life, people aren't going to trust you or go out of their way for you. However, he's concerned he may just be being vindictive.

Anyhow, like I said, my main role in this is listening, and support. So, I'm coming here, because I want to hear other perspectives. We have a 10 year old child together, so, we will be dealing with teen challenges together in a few years, and I'd love a space to think about how I feel about these things apart from how DH feels.[/quote]

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