Loveless relationship
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Anonymous
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My wife and I have been together for 20 years and have 2 teenagers. We have been through tough periods in the past, including some rocky years after our first kid was born. At the time, I was probably emotionally abusive and easily lost temper in some situations, however we never contemplated separation and kept on going.
Four years ago, I went to see a therapist over my alleged temper issues -- because my wife said that temper was the issue (because of my upbringing and the like) -- but the therapist quickly diagnosed that all the problems were with the couple not with my temper, and seeing him over the course of several months seemed to make matters betters. Sex life --- one of my greatest complaints -- became slightly better, I learned to control the "temper" episodes --- which were my wife's greatest issue ---, and the relationship seemed on a better course --- my wife's temper episodes did not disappear, but I could live with them. However, in the last few months all these issues seem to have resurfaced. My wife has slowly grown upset with me for all the bad things that happened 5 or 10 or 15 years ago, sex has stopped, and she says that we can stay together for the good of the kids, but does not want to be touched, kissed, or have sex. She says that the issue is that I never loved her, not my temper, and that I never appreciated her for who she is and for all that she did. Such behavior has been going on for about three months now (we probably had sex once or twice during this period, the last time probably a month ago, but it felt like a quick and loveless affair and did not make things better afterwards). We live like roommates, we hardly have arguments anymore simply because we treat each other like coworkers, and my wife says she is fine with this until kids get to college, while I feel like I am in a hopeless situation. I still love her, for what is worth, since in recent conversations I have to endure insults and contempt. How normal is this, and how does it end? I want us to stay together, and am trying to convince her to go see a therapist, but I feel like I am living in an endless nightmare. |
Anonymous
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Negative Sentiment Override. Google, "Gottman" and try to understand how this kind of contempt can ruin love.
Also, you can only improve yourself. You can't change her. But, with your own improvements and understanding, you might be able to change the dynamic of the marriage for the better, and she may be able to stop blaming you for the deterioration of your marriage. |
Anonymous
Me again. Also, your relationship isn't loveless. You're both in pain. You didn't choose for it to be this way, but you're both drowning in contempt and anger for one another right now. The blaming... oy. You guys are going to have to figure that out to stay together. I don't believe her that she's staying just for the kids. I believe she loves you. |
Anonymous
| Once she feels contempt, and shows it, you're done, there's no going back from it. |
Anonymous
Disagree. |
Anonymous
| Let her know the marriage is Open, lest she have any doubt that your sex life no longer involves her. |
Anonymous
That's been my experience, too. |
Anonymous
You sound like a dumb*ss every time you suggest this, and I'm as against one spouse unilaterally cutting off sex as could be. Sex is an issue worth divorcing over, and in some cases an open marriage can be explored instead, but STOP acting like a person can just "declare" the marriage open just like that and it's problem solved. You sound extrenely out of touch with how relationships actually work. |
Anonymous
| Her shifting explanations seem like a huge red flag. First it's your temper but now she changes her rationale to something else. How can you trust her? How do you know she's not just moving the goal posts because of something she's not saying? |
Anonymous
His wife "declared" the marriage would be sexless without first negotiating his prior consent, right? She has thereby established the fact sex NOT is an issue worth discussing over. Obviously sex is NOT an issue worth divorcing over for her (otherwise she would have divorced him instead of continuing in a normal/sexual marriage), she must want to stay married irrespective of their sex life. There can't be 2 different sets of rules regarding sex in a marriage. My advise to him is simply to follow her own rules, ie declare the marriage Open. |
Anonymous
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Go to marriage counseling. Determine there, as quickly as possible, whether she is willing to try to save the marriage, or it is not going to change.
In the meantime, work on yourself. Exercise more. Join a club or start a hobby, just anything to develop a life outside the marriage. Start preparing for your post-marriage life. If marriage dead, you will be happy for the head start. If not dead, your life outside marriage will help keep you sane during that process, and will probably make you more attractive to your wife. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| OP here: thank you all for your observations. The tragic irony of all of this is that I have not spoken about this with anyone, so you are the first ones to know (I want to give it another two months or so before I start acknowledging the new reality and move out). I have plenty of friends, lots of interests outside my marriage, do plenty of sports, and have a great job that I like, so my life can perhaps continue happily with or without my wife. Yet I am sad for all that we built and have been destroying so quickly, and obviously am terrified by whatever the kids' reaction will be if things fall apart. I will keep you posted. |
Anonymous
Agree. And I strongly suspect that she’s having an affair. |
Anonymous
I agree, her reasoning sounds suspiciously like rewriting the marriage and covering her own bad behavior. OP, please go back to the couples therapist. Go alone, if she won't go with you. |
Anonymous
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Don't listen to all those who advise you to leave her, open the marriage, have an affair… they have nothing to lose, and are being brave at your expense.
You've been together for a long time, have invested in on another, and have kids who you are responsible towards. I'm not saying you should stay, or leave… but do give it time. A month with no sex or bad sex isn't the end of all things. And things said in anger and/or frustration are not always what they seem to be. Are you still seeing your therapist? What you should do is think about what you really want to do. I don't know if you'll end up leaving or not… but I'm pretty sure that you won't be saying to yourself "oh, well… if I don't get sex in 6 weeks… I'm history". Once you think about it with a therapist you'll have an easier time figuring out your own desires and limits. If you're not still in therapy, and feel your former therapist was a good fit for you, call him up and schedule a meeting. People often go in and out of therapy… and it will save you the prolonged intro phase. Good luck… |