Advice on bully-proofing after the bullying starts

[Anonymous]

My DD (5th grade) is often the target of rude remarks etc. Bullying is probably not the precise word here, but she's become the kid who is picked on - the easy target. I've tried to coach body language (posture holding head up high, looking people in eye, pretending to be confident even if she doesn't feel it). Basically, she's feeling like Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer before his epic sleigh ride with Santa.

What advice would you give your child if it was your child?

1. On the playground when her whole grade participates in a game that she's not good at and she gets ostracized if misses the ball, etc. Ends up trying to find someone to hang out with or convince someone to hang out instead of playing that game. I asked her to try but she said she's tried multiple times, is not good at it and is treated badly. My second suggestion was to take a book or something to do and under no circumstance act desperate. Am I on the right track?

2. Quick assertive quips for times when other girls try to cut her down - usually this is subtle jabs like: I can't believe you don't know about xyz; I would look better in that shirt, etc.

3. Have you ever considered (or done this) switching to a new school (with lots of coaching) to give your child a fresh start with new people? It seems like it can be hard to get yourself out of these "roles" once it's started.

[Anonymous]

Have you reached out to the school counselor for help? They have seen this and know how to help.

[Anonymous]

my dd, also 5th grade, same position. what has helped:
role play so she has a grab bag of responses. practiuve a lot so they are 2nd nature.
tell her to shrug her shoulders or just say whatever when she can't think of anything to say.
remind her that these kids are feeling insecure and are immature. 5th grade will end in a few months and many of these kids will change by 6th grade (some for the better, some for the worse)
sometimes joking works. when they tease her for not knowing something, she can respond "not everyone can be as smart as you" followed by a bow. my dd did this, sarcastically, and the one girl who kept bugging her stopped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you reached out to the school counselor for help? They have seen this and know how to help.

Thanks - have not as I would lose DD's trust, which is key to her opening up to me.

[Anonymous]

Is she in private or public? If private, I would switch and go tour a few - does she have any after school activities with nice girls?

[Anonymous]

Good book that helped my DD -- "Easing the Teasing."

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the advice thus far. Another question - are there any classes that help teach kids these things? DD is at that age where it helps if it comes from someone else...

[Anonymous]

When I was in school, everyone played tetherball, a game at which I sucked. My mom took me down to the playground every weekend and played tetherball with me until I was decent. I was probably still the worst player, but not in a mockable way.

Not the underlying issue, but it can help.

[Anonymous]

Instead of assertive quips, which can sound fake if it's not your daughter's personality, try non-committal "damper" responses. "Huh." "Okay." "You think so?" Or even "What an odd/random thing to say." Something that's dismissive but kind of mushy, just absorb the comment and pass over it like someone just commented on the weather and you don't find the conversation all that interesting and want to escape it politely. Help her brainstorm response that feel natural to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of assertive quips, which can sound fake if it's not your daughter's personality, try non-committal "damper" responses. "Huh." "Okay." "You think so?" Or even "What an odd/random thing to say." Something that's dismissive but kind of mushy, just absorb the comment and pass over it like someone just commented on the weather and you don't find the conversation all that interesting and want to escape it politely. Help her brainstorm response that feel natural to her.

Thanks - we have also tried to coach body language, which is some ways is more important than words, right? Any advice on that or anyone have luck coaching this aspect? It normally comes from an inner sense of confidence, but since hers is suffering, it shows in her body language.

[Anonymous]

If she is being picked on by many kids, you should switch schools. Her self esteem is important. Thr problem is them, not her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of assertive quips, which can sound fake if it's not your daughter's personality, try non-committal "damper" responses. "Huh." "Okay." "You think so?" Or even "What an odd/random thing to say." Something that's dismissive but kind of mushy, just absorb the comment and pass over it like someone just commented on the weather and you don't find the conversation all that interesting and want to escape it politely. Help her brainstorm response that feel natural to her.

Thanks - we have also tried to coach body language, which is some ways is more important than words, right? Any advice on that or anyone have luck coaching this aspect? It normally comes from an inner sense of confidence, but since hers is suffering, it shows in her body language.

Maybe try an acting class, actually. She needs to learn to project feelings she's not having. Also, just practice stuff like not crossing your arms over your chest, shrugging your shoulders in response to a mean comment, etc. Not just talk about it, but actually practice it.

[Anonymous]

Can you take her out and play the game with her? My DD is in 5th and in a similar position (not exactly). But her friends all like to play kickball. A) she doesn't like it and B) isn't great at it. Plus two of the grade mean girls ridicule everyone who makes a mistake. So she doesn't like to play it.

I've offered to take her out and practice but she's not into that idea. She's found other things to do on the playground. But, maybe it would help your DD if she really wanted to continue to play. That, and arm her with a few retorts to the meanies and an ability to shrug off the comments, should help.

[Anonymous]

My 5th grade daughter is weirdly self confident and popular. I say weirdly because I was not. What she says she does (and I watch her do) a lot: when kids are mean she compliments them back. Kids will say “my shoes are so much better than yours”, she’ll reply: “wow, your shoes really are great. It sounds like you like them a lot”. She has told me, “mom, I just tell the braggy kids and the mean kids what they want to hear and it shuts them right up”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my dd, also 5th grade, same position. what has helped:
role play so she has a grab bag of responses. practiuve a lot so they are 2nd nature.
tell her to shrug her shoulders or just say whatever when she can't think of anything to say.
remind her that these kids are feeling insecure and are immature. 5th grade will end in a few months and many of these kids will change by 6th grade (some for the better, some for the worse)
sometimes joking works. when they tease her for not knowing something, she can respond "not everyone can be as smart as you" followed by a bow. my dd did this, sarcastically, and the one girl who kept bugging her stopped.

+1

We did all the above too.

I also talked to the counselor, the home room teacher and the principal and made sure that every meeting was summarized in an email that all were copied to. I also mentioned the word bullying and outlined the impact on my daughter (reluctance to go to school, lagging behind in homework etc).

Finally, I also made sure that she made attempts to be more social. She was quite shy and frequently did not even acknowledge people around her. We practised saying "hi" to people, make eye contact and smile at them. This worked because she did not have to chit chat with them, instead she kept walking but gave a smile, nod, eye-contact, wave or said hello.

Interestingly, she made a whole lot of friends because she always had a bunch of sharpened pencils with her. She liked to use mechanical pencils but had a whole bunch of regular pencils with her. She kept them as backup but had no issues with giving those away if someone needed it. Invariably, some kid in her class would be without pencils and she gave it to them. This was a small thing but it had garnered her enough goodwill for things to change 180 degrees by the end of ES.

You have to read "Queen Bees and Wannabee" and make your child read it too. It was very empowering.