Advice on bully-proofing after the bullying starts

[Anonymous]

You're teaching her to quit when she's not good at something. You're basically encouraging her low self-esteem. Why don't you practice throwing and catching with her for 15 minutes every day?

[Anonymous]

1. Help her get better at whatever game they play that leads to her being mocked.

2. Does she have other activities that she enjoys, particularly with kids who don’t go to her school? If not, is there something she’d like to try? If she has another friend group, it’ll be easier to withstand the teasing at school, and becoming good at something she enjoys will help boost her confidence.

3. Help her find things she’s good at and give her opportunities to do those things and showcase them to others.

4. If she’s shy, maybe find opportunities for her to tutor or otherwise work with younger kids. She’ll have the upper hand by virtue of age and it might improve her social skills.

5. Keep doing what you’re doing - give her some go to responses and reactions for when this happens. Someone suggested role playing, which is an excellent idea. Teach her to “fake it til you feel it.”

6. Use fiction. Find books and movies that show kids in her predicament handle it well. Give her role models for the behavior you want to see.

[Anonymous]

Your school is too small if her whole grade can play a game together. Switch to a larger public school.

[Anonymous]

Do you know the whole class participates bc you have seen it many times or bc your DD says so? Any chance she means the "popular" girls play this game and she is not really friends with them so it doesn't go well when she tries to crash the game?

You didn't mention what her friends are doing on the playground? Start organizing one on one play dates with her friends to strengthen those relationships.

It's possible the kids are teasing her about being bad at the game and they are teasing everyone else as well. It can be hard for some kids not to see that and also interpret every remark as hostile and mean. My own DD would dwell on comments some from kids which she heard as "mean" and I had to keep reminding her that the person who said was not wasting any time thinking about that comment or her and had totally forgot about it. She believed that the person was always constantly thinking bad thoughts about her which is just not true.

If your DD is adamant that you should not speak to a teacher or counselor, you might need to consider that the situation is already at the level of bullying and she is afraid.

[Anonymous]

Like I always taught my kids, she needs to know it's okay (probably even best) to not care about idiots & jerks or about their opinions of her.

Think about it this way: if someone who you think is yucky and bad likes something (like a TV show), does that mean it must be good due to their opinion? No, they're likely to be wrong anyway. The same is true for stuff that person doesn't like: the fact that they don't like it is irrelevant or might even mean the thing is good because bad people don't like it.

That applies directly to her situation. People who are being mean are making bad choices showing questionable character. That means their thinking is questionable too, which makes their opinions unreliable and useless.

When she has less reason to be bothered by other people's rudeness, help her focus on the things that make her a unique & interesting person. She's good at something; all people are. Since she's better than the mean kids (by virtue of making the better choices NOT to be mean) and she's also good at something that makes her unique - that's the exact sort of thing from which she can and should derive inner confidence.

Personally, I would also make an effort to expose her to strong, confident female role models who were great at showing grace under fire even when others treated them badly. Real or fictional, this gives her someone to admire & try to be like even in challenging moments.

[Anonymous]

I would strongly discourage switching schools if its just the minor stuff you mentioned. I say minor knowing from experience that it doesn't feel minor at the time when you are a target, but it will over the long term. Won't she be changing schools in a year or two anyway?

I like a lot of the brush off responses mentioned above. Mean kids often get a thrill from the power that comes with stinging someone. If there's no obvious sting, they will probably cool off out find a new target.

I went through something similar in sixth grade. It actually was useful for me to realize for myself that it wasn't worth it to be involved with the popular lunch table or popular sports game at recess if it came with such mean talk. I ended up finding a group of similar missed genuinely nice kids to hang with. They are still friends to this day.

Btw I don't think I confided with my mom about my troubles with mean kids. I think it's nice that your daughter is open to talking with you. Just try to give her the power of coming up with her own solutions as much as possible rather than handing her an answer. Coach but don't prescribe.

[AnnaTjacks]

I am sorry to hear that your daughter is being treated this way. I remember being picked on when I was in school. Kids can be very cruel and sadly if others don't like it, they will just go along with it so they won't be the next target. Are there other kids in the school that she can be friends with? I am thinking of another girl or girls who are not part of the "bully" group? I would encourage her to be friends with people who accept her as she is. I would also talk to a teacher about it. Teachers should play a role in dealing with bullies. I was reading an article that talked about kids being bully that I would like to share if you are interested. I certainly hope things get better for your child.

http://bit.ly/2Excx7k