Mother in law pushing for grandchild before death

[Anonymous]

We have been married for less than a year. Prior to marriage we had agreed to wait at least 1 year before beginning to try and conceive. I'm in the middle of an examination/evaluation period with my job to obtain licensure and I wanted to be finished with that before children. I'll finish that up (assuming I pass) right around the 1 year mark. We also agreed to square away a few things with the house and finances. That means our plan was to start TTC by fall/winter 2018. She is 26 so she has plenty of time before any age related worries.

The problem: She never told her mother our schedule. Apparently her mother has been periodically grilling her about why hasn't she gotten pregnant yet as a normal course of business. Starting last week; however, her mom really started putting the pressure on. Then on the weekend it comes out that her mother who had been in remission from cancer after completing chemo therapy 5 years ago was told last week that the cancer has come back. So she has upped the pressure because she wants a grandchild before she dies.

How would you handle this?

My initial thought is that making a baby in order to meet her mothers timeline might not be a good idea because the baby will still here after her mother dies so we better be really sure we are ready to have a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have been married for less than a year. Prior to marriage we had agreed to wait at least 1 year before beginning to try and conceive. I'm in the middle of an examination/evaluation period with my job to obtain licensure and I wanted to be finished with that before children. I'll finish that up (assuming I pass) right around the 1 year mark. We also agreed to square away a few things with the house and finances. That means our plan was to start TTC by fall/winter 2018. She is 26 so she has plenty of time before any age related worries.

The problem: She never told her mother our schedule. Apparently her mother has been periodically grilling her about why hasn't she gotten pregnant yet as a normal course of business. Starting last week; however, her mom really started putting the pressure on. Then on the weekend it comes out that her mother who had been in remission from cancer after completing chemo therapy 5 years ago was told last week that the cancer has come back. So she has upped the pressure because she wants a grandchild before she dies.

How would you handle this?

My initial thought is that making a baby in order to meet her mothers timeline might not be a good idea because the baby will still here after her mother dies so we better be really sure we are ready to have a baby.

Jesus, her mother is a selfish ass***. No way should you bring another human into this world until you're good and ready. Also, now that the old had is gonna croak, you don't want your wife pregnant and upset about her mom's impending doom, affecting her pregnancy and baby. The sooner she croaks the better. She sounds horrible.

[Anonymous]

Be ready for the baby

[Anonymous]

You and she need to stand together while your wife tells her mom "Mom, we are SO sorry your cancer has come back. But we can not rush to have a baby for you. You can pull the cancer card for us to bring you meals, to have Christmas at your house, for us to wear matching ugly sweaters for a family photo. But you can not pull the cancer card for us to produce a human being. That is too big a step for us to do for anyone else."

And then carry on with your plans.

[Anonymous]

"Mom dear, we're trying but it hasn't happened yet. The doctor said stress was bad for conception, and you're stressing us out by mentioning it, so please stop."

This is what your wife should say to her mother.

It doesn't matter if it's a lie or not. Grandparents NEVER get to decide when to have grandkids, even with cancer.

Don't let this become a point of contention between you and your wife.

[Anonymous]

You should both be ready to have the baby. And, no, you should not feel pressured to give your MIL a grandchild before she dies. Unfortunately there is no guarantee that your MIL would live to see her grandchild even if you started trying now. There is also nothing written in stone that your MIL won't still be around when you and your wife are ready to bring a child in this world.

I'm sorry about your MIL, Op.

[Anonymous]

"we can't afford it. Maybe if someone left us a million dollars......"

[Anonymous]

No way—it’s your wife’s mother?

She has got to be clear to her parents that it was never your plan for right now and that she wants to be able to support and help her mom, which she might not be able to do pregnant/postpartum.

By the way, your DW did nothing wrong not telling her mother about when you wanted to have a baby—but it *is* wrong that your MIL has been pressuring her. Don’t have a baby for her, just don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have been married for less than a year. Prior to marriage we had agreed to wait at least 1 year before beginning to try and conceive. I'm in the middle of an examination/evaluation period with my job to obtain licensure and I wanted to be finished with that before children. I'll finish that up (assuming I pass) right around the 1 year mark. We also agreed to square away a few things with the house and finances. That means our plan was to start TTC by fall/winter 2018. She is 26 so she has plenty of time before any age related worries.

The problem: She never told her mother our schedule. Apparently her mother has been periodically grilling her about why hasn't she gotten pregnant yet as a normal course of business. Starting last week; however, her mom really started putting the pressure on. Then on the weekend it comes out that her mother who had been in remission from cancer after completing chemo therapy 5 years ago was told last week that the cancer has come back. So she has upped the pressure because she wants a grandchild before she dies.

How would you handle this?

My initial thought is that making a baby in order to meet her mothers timeline might not be a good idea because the baby will still here after her mother dies so we better be really sure we are ready to have a baby.

Jesus, her mother is a selfish ass***. No way should you bring another human into this world until you're good and ready. Also, now that the old had is gonna croak, you don't want your wife pregnant and upset about her mom's impending doom, affecting her pregnancy and baby. The sooner she croaks the better. She sounds horrible.

You are mean and a horrible person. That said OP, tell your MIL that you will have kids, but that her diagnosis and life makes having a baby now not ideal. Tell her to focus on getting better because when you will have a baby that baby wil Need her grandma around. Be there for your wife. This must be so tough and you should do what’s she needs right now.

[Anonymous]

Has your wife's friends/sister/cousin/coworker etc had a baby? Your issue may be with your wife. MIL could be a smokescreen.

[Anonymous]

You have to do it on your time line since you will be responsible for the baby. Virtually no grandparents (especially dead ones) have enough of a role in caring for the child that you should even consider doing it before you are ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
"Mom dear, we're trying but it hasn't happened yet. The doctor said stress was bad for conception, and you're stressing us out by mentioning it, so please stop."

This is what your wife should say to her mother.

It doesn't matter if it's a lie or not. Grandparents NEVER get to decide when to have grandkids, even with cancer.

Don't let this become a point of contention between you and your wife.

No, this is awful advice to lie to your MIL. Of course it matters that it's a lie. Do not engage on this topic with her. She asks about a baby, just say not right now and change the topic. It is not her place to push you to have a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
"Mom dear, we're trying but it hasn't happened yet. The doctor said stress was bad for conception, and you're stressing us out by mentioning it, so please stop."

This is what your wife should say to her mother.

It doesn't matter if it's a lie or not. Grandparents NEVER get to decide when to have grandkids, even with cancer.

Don't let this become a point of contention between you and your wife.

No, this is awful advice to lie to your MIL. Of course it matters that it's a lie. Do not engage on this topic with her. She asks about a baby, just say not right now and change the topic. It is not her place to push you to have a baby.

It's actually a great idea, because it tells her what she wants to hear (some of it, at least), and it gets her off your back. Which is what really matters.

[Anonymous]

She will probably still be alive even with your original timeline.

[Anonymous]

I’d start trying. You never know how long it will take you.

I also don’t think your mil is being selfish if she didn’t know you had a predetermined timeframe.