After saving marriage, how do you deal with other family members who bad-mouthed you

[Anonymous]

Dh and I have been in a bad place for some time, but I think we've made major progress the last couple of weeks, and we might be turning a corner and coming back together again.

The problem is, during our period of separation, members of his family said some pretty crappy things to me. Everyone on my side knew to keep their mouths shut and be polite; after all, we have kids, and no matter what, we should each try to have a good relationship with each other's family. People in his family, however, are more impulsive, quicker to judge, quicker to "expel" and take sides, etc.

It's making it harder for me to imagine getting back to where we used to be now that I know my in-laws are capable of making sweeping comments about my character, and that he has been (and still is) more emotionally dependent on them than he is on me (like, I feel like he trusts them more than he trusts me, and they have said horrible things about me, so...)

Has anyone been there? What do you do?

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure you can do anything but be confident in your relationship and ignore it. The fact that they are judging means they had a good deal of detail (from somewhere). If you two chose to air your dirty laundry to your family you have to deal with the consequences. This is a good lesson I’m NOT doing so until you know the ultimate resolution, stay or go.

[Anonymous]

I ended up deciding not to reconcile with my ex and a major factor was his family. They were very supportive of him and his mistress when he chose to leave. That was so hard for me to get past. There were other factors of course but that is a major one that went against me getting back with my ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have been in a bad place for some time, but I think we've made major progress the last couple of weeks, and we might be turning a corner and coming back together again.

The problem is, during our period of separation, members of his family said some pretty crappy things to me. Everyone on my side knew to keep their mouths shut and be polite; after all, we have kids, and no matter what, we should each try to have a good relationship with each other's family. People in his family, however, are more impulsive, quicker to judge, quicker to "expel" and take sides, etc.

It's making it harder for me to imagine getting back to where we used to be now that I know my in-laws are capable of making sweeping comments about my character, and that he has been (and still is) more emotionally dependent on them than he is on me (like, I feel like he trusts them more than he trusts me, and they have said horrible things about me, so...)

Has anyone been there? What do you do?

Didn’t his emotional dependency on his parents contribute to the marriage issues? Assuming it did, either he has made substantial progress in standing up for himself and you with his family or you have decided to accept (and ignore) because you want to keep the marriage together and there are more important issues at play. Basically your in-laws were like this before but there veneer of civility glossing over how they really felt. It may not even be about you personally but about control and their son not needing them anymore.

As for the rest of his family picking sides, I think my family would be polite if my DH and I separated but my sisters are a wild card and if they thought DH had been a huge ahole (think walking out,mistress/affair, or leaving me when I was in the hospital sick), they might say something. In those scenarios it makes perfect sense that one side would be more upset than the other.

[Anonymous]

Move on

[Anonymous]

Congratulations on the progress you've made! You are obviously vested in your marriage and that's a wonderful, wonderful thing. Ignore those who tell you to move on! Nothing worth having comes easy and it will not be easy to cope with those sweeping comments of your IL's. I encourage you to take the high road and simply ignore anything derogatory they have said about you -- pull them up to your level rather than sink down. Sometimes people just go with the flow of the situation and vocalize (often loudly) based on the tone of the major players. Previously you and your husband were struggling. NOW you are making progress. Hod your chin up, square your shoulders and let any unkindess roll off you. Return it with kind words and I think you will be surprised at how their tone eventually changes to match yours. Your marriage is worth this effort.
I wish you and your husband many blessings in the coming years!

[Anonymous]

This is my parents toward my DH. It makes me cringe but at the same time they said things I was too insecure to say. My DH takes the high road but doesn’t go above and beyond to spend time with them. It makes me realize how much he loves me that he takes one for the team.

[Anonymous]

Being on the other side of this and now having a decent relationship again, I can say they were probably just trying to be supportive of your DH. It is difficult to see your child in a bad place. Give it time, you won't forget but it will get easier. As they say time heals all wounds.

[Anonymous]

Forgive and forget and move on. Don't linger on the past. Just like you and your spouse are starting over, allow the other relationships to develop anew.

[Anonymous]

I would just smile, forgive but don't forget. Never trust them again.

[Anonymous]

This happened early in our marriage. Still happily married, 10 years later. (And the following does not apply in situations where there is abuse. This is for run-of-the-mill marriage problems.)

What needs to happen is that your spouse, not you, has to settle the issue with his family. He needs to remind them that marriages are complex and that he contributed to the problems you've been having. Then he needs to tell them that he's decided to make his marriage work and that they are either 100% behind it or out entirely. He needs to ask them, for his sake, to be friends of your marriage and to make protecting the commitment he's made to your marriage their goal too. Then he needs to tell you when they have agreed, so you hear this too.

Then you have to continue with them in the same spirit that you are continuing with your DH. Which is to say, cognizant that there has been a rift for which you are at least partially responsible. You take responsibility, and make amends, for your screw ups and you work hard to forgive your spouse and his family for theirs.

And you try to be happy. A certain amount of fake-it-till-you-make-it will be involved, but it will feel less fake over time (and quicker than you think).

[Anonymous]

Well, in my case, I totally deserved my MIL's comments, and she made them once and never again - and actually likes me a lot. Among rational people, there's a good chance of patching up the relationship.

However, in your case, OP, if these people are impulsive and your past difficulties with your spouse risk being thrown in your face again, that's a more difficult situation. I would not trust that kind of person again and take my distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just smile, forgive but don't forget. Never trust them again.

I don't forgive, and remember and have a minimal relationship. My mom especially has said some nasty things about me and I've completely pulled back/away as has my husband. When she has approached either one of us, we are truthful and she blows it off but is angry we barely have a relationship. She has an relationship independently with my kids but I'm not tolerating the behaviors any more.