Siding with teen against parents

[Anonymous]

My niece has been raised by two very emotionally abusive parents. I kept her with me as much as I could and tried to give her some healthy childhood memories when I could. She was always the scapegoat, the bad child and she believed that about herself for years. She also stilled tried desperately to get them to show or express any sign of love or care or affection and she would hang into a word or some small gesture. I always avoided speaking negatively to her about her parents as she was always supposed to tell them everything we spoke about and I was afraid of losing contact.

Once she was a teen, I started to drop stronger hints, point out behaviors that were unfair etc. When she was 15 she finally started to realize that this wasn't how others lived (she was never allowed to have friends outside of seeing kids at school). At 16 she finally started to call it abuse and we had long conversations as she started to make sense of her life. She is still in the house and still being abused but she has more power now that she knows what it is.

She is now 17. Last week, I said a lot of negative thins about her parents. I named it, called it what it was and told her what I thought if a lot of what has happened in her life. I don't know if it was the right thing to do or not. She defended them at one point and I am told her not to tell them what we talk about and to lie if they ask. It feels really wrong to be talking badly about them to her but they are bad people.

Nine more months until she is 18!! Can't wait.

[Anonymous]

You started to train her against her parents... nice. You set her up to fail big time.

[Anonymous]

You can't unring that bell. But don't ring it again. She needs to sort this out herself.

[Anonymous]

Shouldn't you be saying this to the parents????

[Anonymous]

Why didn't you say anything to the parents when she was younger?

[Anonymous]

Not the OP, but if you ask me nothing positive would have been achieved by trying to talk with the parents. Families that designate a scapegoat have problems, mainly the parents have problems. They would have cut that aunt out of the child's life, to the child's detriment.

[Anonymous]

I was with you until you good her to lie to her parents.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should instigate trouble. But make it very clear to your niece that you love her and you support her and you will be there for her.

[Anonymous]

My nephew is similar to your niece. Be careful because she will probably feel guilty about discussing with you and at some point tell her parents about your conversations. Better if you let her talk instead of saying what you think unprompted.

My nephew is 20 now and on his second try leaving home for college. Living away from them has helped, and shen he has to go home between semesters, etc he really sees how terrible his parents are. He and my DH have a good relationship and he will tell DH about their crazy shit and I think it’s good for him to have that outlet.

[Anonymous]

You couldn't have waited just one more year?

If you weren't going to invest fully, you should have held your tongue until approached.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't unring that bell. But don't ring it again. She needs to sort this out herself.

This. I have a niece in the same situation. You have to keep your mouth shut and support the child where she is. She undoubtedly loves her parents and your negative comments are going to alienate her from you. Things don’t magically change at age 18. It takes awhile for kids to sort this sort of thing out and the answer isn’t always rejection of parents or dcognizing their faults. So if you want to be supportive, don’t speak negative of her parents.

[Anonymous]

My nephew is in the same situation. I mostly just let him talk. I do point out that there are better ways his dad and step mom could handle something, or that he has a right to something (like being fed).

I don't necessarily badmouth the parents, although I do express serious frustration by something my nephew has brought up.

If you directly badmouth the parents, it's just like one parent badmouthing the other in a divorce. Kids are going to be naturally protective of their parents, even when their parents are 100% wrong.

I have talked to my brother. To no avail. 18 months for us until my nephew is 18 and can be more independent.

I have saved for his college in a 529 since he was born, too. It's not enough to fully pay for college, but it will be helpful. This is something you might want to consider, if it's financially possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was with you until you good her to lie to her parents.

I just told her to tell them we had talked about school (which we had). I also told her it is okay to not tell them everything and to keep some things to herself.
The school wanted her to see a counselor - her parents agreed but gave her a long list of things she wasn't allowed to say to the counselor - including anything about them or her home life. They told her specifically what she was to talk about and they told her to tell the counselor that any issues she has are related to staying with her grandparents for a few months when she was 5 (they drank and fought). I told her it was okay to be honest with the counselor and to not tell her parents what she had talked to the counselor about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't unring that bell. But don't ring it again. She needs to sort this out herself.

This. I have a niece in the same situation. You have to keep your mouth shut and support the child where she is. She undoubtedly loves her parents and your negative comments are going to alienate her from you. Things don’t magically change at age 18. It takes awhile for kids to sort this sort of thing out and the answer isn’t always rejection of parents or dcognizing their faults. So if you want to be supportive, don’t speak negative of her parents.

I know and sometimes I worry she won't leave at 18 as she they have been so controlling and abusive that she has no self confidence in herself and they have told her she will never be responsible enough to live on her own.

I got upset as they were telling her to quit school and work more. She already gives them $500 a month and they want more from her. They falsely accuse her of damaging property or breaking things and then 'charge' her for them in order to get more from her. She works about twenty hours a week already. They won't let her have her bank card or do banking without them present so they know how much money she has and they often take more than the $500. She needed money for a school project she was working on and she was very frustrated that they didn't leave her enough of her own money to pay for the project at school. I got her to speak to the guidance counselor and the school ended up agreeing she could still participate and could pay later even though it was past the payment deadline. During that conversation with her, I said a few things that I have bit my tongue about all these years.

[Anonymous]

OP I wish I'd had someone like you when I was a teen. You've opened the door so your niece will know there's somewhere to go. Constant emotional abuse brainwashes the victim and does make them defend the abusers they so desperately hope will someday love them. Your niece knows you're there for her and when she gets away from her parents one day she'll start to see the happier sude of life. Thise parents do not deserve their victim' s respect. You're doing the right thing.