How to handle illness prone grandma

[Anonymous]

Looking for advice on how to best deploy the "help" coming my way with the arrival of #2.

I have one DC (2.5yo), and I'm due this month with #2. My illness-prone mom is coming to help for 2 weeks a few weeks after I deliver (lives across the country) - that's a shorter time I think than she would prefer, driven by me (more on that below). The crux of the problem is she has a tendency to get sick when she is with grandkids, in part because she has low inherent immunity (always has, driven by weak lungs) and in part because she doesn't know or heed her body's limitations. Between cooking nonstop, not hydrating, not washing hands frequently, and sharing food with my daughter who brings home germs from daycare, she just doesn't take good care of herself. Then when she gets sick, she doesn't admit that she's sick and fights tooth and nail to take medicine and rest. Though I appreciate her desire to help, she ends up being a burden just as much as she helps, and at least this time around, I don't expect to actually need much help (freezer is stocked, DH and I know what we're doing, DC1 can go to full time daycare as needed). Thr last two times she has planned a visit to see DC, her plans have had to change because she overdid it and got sick before or during her trip abd both times, DH and I have had to cancel plans to getaway. The second time, I was also pregnant and working full time for part of her visit and honestly a little resentful that I was having to expend so much energy fighting with her to stay in bed and take medicine. It does not help that she is the quintessential martyr.

So she's planning to come in a few weeks, for a few weeks, but I'm worried that she will be sick when she comes or will get sick soon after. Last time she was here, when I told her to take my cold/flu medicine for her trip back, she actually responded by saying I should keep it in the house so that she could use it when she returned after the baby was born - implication being that she expects to get sick while she's here!! I don't actually feel like I need her help - I mean a spare set of hands will be great and all, but the risk of her getting sick and getting me and the newborn sick (esp with the flu season this year) makes her whole trip a wash, but I'm not going to tell her not to come. In the absence of that, I'm wondering how to impress upon her two things:
1) if she is the slightest bit sick before her trip, she should not come
2) if she gets sick while she's here, she will absolutely be a burden - thus it's critical that she do everything she can to stay healthy. I know this sounds harsh but I am so tired of her taking zero responsibility for her health, and I feel like protecting a brand new newborn is a legit reason to be blunt with her on a long standing issue.
Any thoughts about how to walk this line?

[Anonymous]

I would have a little chat with your pediatrician. Tell your doctor everything you’ve told us and see what he or she recommends.

Regardless of what your pediatrician says, have a conversation with your mother about the situation. Reminder how serious it is to be sick around a newborn, and tell her that if she gets sick at all while she staying with you she has to stay in the guest room 24-7 for the baby’s safety. If she can’t agree to that, she can’t come.

Finally, I would put off her visit until a couple weeks after the birth, So you’re getting closer to out of flu season.

[Anonymous]

In this flu season, she should stay home. She can see the baby later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
In this flu season, she should stay home. She can see the baby later.

This.
You could say (and it won't even be much of a stretch) that dr recommends exposing baby to as few people as possible for the first month or so, especially since this year's flu is legendarily bad. Suggest a visit in March or April, when flu season should be on the wane, weather should be better here, baby is stronger, and you are recovered.

[Anonymous]

It’s only 2 weeks. You’re projecting your anxieties to a worse case scenario. If she gets the flu, she shouldn’t come. If she has a cold, have her where a mask.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure you’ve dubbed the right person the “quintessential martyr.”

[Anonymous]

Keep your daughter in her regular daycare during your mom's visit. Your mom could be responsible for her drop off and pick up, but that's one less person for her to care for the majority of the day. I'm a little unclear of your daughter's regular schedule but your post reads like you will use daycare as a backup to your mom, which I wouldn't do given the circumstance. Have mom focus on you and newborn during the day and keep the two year old in her regular routine.

[Anonymous]

Buy some hand sanitizer pumps. Put them around the house. Ask her at least once an hour to use the hand sanitizer. Claim it's to protect the baby from the crazy germs going around, but really it should help keep her healthy.

Then both of you can do a little glass of Emergen-C each day. Again, this is to protect the baby (not grandma) but should have some added benefits.

The moment grandma gets sick, she is ON HER OWN and to be quarantined to her room. Don't fight her about medicine, but do insist she stay in her room while the children are awake.

[Anonymous]

I think you should think of this as a bonus visit, not as her coming to help you. Call it a visit. Don't mention her help. Maybe if she feels less pressure she won't make herself sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure you’ve dubbed the right person the “quintessential martyr.”

Ha!

[Anonymous]

OP here. I want to lean in to the feedback here - what would a non-martyr do in this situation (I grant that I'm probably not handling it the best)? Or what should I have done to prevent getting to this situation?

Re: plan for DC1 - if she weren't coming, my plan would be to maintain DC1's routine for the most part -ie take her to daycare in the morning (though a little later than normal, since we won't need to rush out the door like we do when I'm going to the office) and let her be there most of the day. But my mom will ask that we keep her home so she can get more time with her, so my guess is we will probably end up somewhere in the middle.

To the point on pressure she may feel - it is completely self imposed. Case in point - I mentioned to her a little while back that the help I could use was primarily for hanging out with DC1 and making her feel special vs baby care and getting up with the baby in the middle of the night (which she did here and there last time around), and she was immediately not on board, saying she wanted to do all of it -night time feedings, daytime babycare, and caring for DC1. She just doesn't recognize that she might be spreading herself too thin. I'm not planning to give her the option of night time feedings as the guestroom she will sleep in is in the basement, two floors below the baby, but I do expect that same attitude of "I can do all things, at all times" to be her downfall as it has been with past visits.

[Anonymous]

I have the same mom. Well, my mom has better immunity, but everything else is the same. She ran herself haggard during my postpartum period and does not believe in washing hands with soap to boot. It took a lot of energy on my part to insist that she washes hand frequently AND with soap if she wants to be around my newborn. It can be done, but it added a lot of needless stress. You just have to be blunt.

[Anonymous]

Mom or not, I wouldn't want a sick person around my child or newborn baby. Uh uh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want to lean in to the feedback here - what would a non-martyr do in this situation (I grant that I'm probably not handling it the best)? Or what should I have done to prevent getting to this situation?

Re: plan for DC1 - if she weren't coming, my plan would be to maintain DC1's routine for the most part -ie take her to daycare in the morning (though a little later than normal, since we won't need to rush out the door like we do when I'm going to the office) and let her be there most of the day. But my mom will ask that we keep her home so she can get more time with her, so my guess is we will probably end up somewhere in the middle.

To the point on pressure she may feel - it is completely self imposed. Case in point - I mentioned to her a little while back that the help I could use was primarily for hanging out with DC1 and making her feel special vs baby care and getting up with the baby in the middle of the night (which she did here and there last time around), and she was immediately not on board, saying she wanted to do all of it -night time feedings, daytime babycare, and caring for DC1. She just doesn't recognize that she might be spreading herself too thin. I'm not planning to give her the option of night time feedings as the guestroom she will sleep in is in the basement, two floors below the baby, but I do expect that same attitude of "I can do all things, at all times" to be her downfall as it has been with past visits.

Op, you realize none of these details have anything to do with her being sickly or prone to sickness?

My sense is you pile on with your worries. Your mom has the tendency to try and do it all regardless of the reality, and you like to spin up worse case scenarios and control regardless of the actual reality. Maybe it's a learned trait or maybe it's genetic, but you sound very similar to your mom. She wants to feel useful. Let her come. Your DC1 can go late to preschool or picked up early to give her some quality time. Your DC1 will appreciate the extra attention.

[Anonymous]

If this were the summer, I would agree with the people who say to just roll with it but this flu season is actually killing people. Healthy people.

Is she coming on a plane? If yes, then you should tell her she can’t come. It’s just too risky. My whole family just recovered from a 2 week bout of the flu and it was pure hell. I can’t imagine handling it with an immuno-compromised senior and an unvaccinated infant. No. Just no.

Blame the pediatrician if you need to. But until this flu season passes, it’s not worth the risk. Spend 5 minutes in the health section of DCUM if you aren’t convinced.