Talking in front of you

[Anonymous]

Would you find it weird/hurtful if you were on a group vacation and others in your group talked about you in front of you and behind your back?

For instance, I got upset at my DH on vacation on a group trip. I didn't say anything about it to anyone or him in public, but I guess others noticed. Instead of asking me, I heard others in the group separately ask my husband about it - every time I was a couple of feet away and they could have asked me, but chose not to.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you're not as subtle as you think you are, and other people found you unapproachable in your pique.

[Anonymous]

Yes I would be upset, maybe they thought you would get upset if they asked you what it was about ,so they felt it easier to ask your DH?.

[Anonymous]

I picture OP not saying anything, but sitting across from her husband, glaring and making throat-slitting gestures for hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I picture OP not saying anything, but sitting across from her husband, glaring and making throat-slitting gestures for hours.

Ha ha!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you're not as subtle as you think you are, and other people found you unapproachable in your pique.

Agree. And if you were two feet away when they asked him, they were letting you know they were uncomfortable with how you dealt with things and were open to his side of things. I'd check myself and choose not to be hurt.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, I think the fact that your friends chose such a strong tactic is cause for you to go back and really rethink your perception of what happened.

We travel a lot with friend and family couples. As fun as travel is, it also can be stressful. It seems like every trip at least there is one couple that has a small spat. When it happens we all look the other way and try to go along to get along without taking sides, and the spat blows over.

If friends literally came up to talk to your husband with you standing nearby and then discussed what happened with him ... I just can't imagine doing that unless I thought the other party was totally and completely out of line. But I would do it when I felt so badly for the attacked person that I would want him or her to know that I was in complete solidarity and sympathetic.

Perhaps there is one person in the group whom you feel could help you understand what happened from their perspective? Maybe you could talk on the phone or meet somewhere to get some input?

[Anonymous]

In any situation I’m much more likely to go to the least hot-headed person for an explanation.

If you were giving off angry vibes then I think friends would naturally go to him for a quiet explanation rather than risk fueling your fire.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they were trying to defuse what sounds like a very uncomfortable situation.

[Anonymous]

You do realize marriage isn't middle school?

What you describe doesn't happen to me. They were responding to you. I try very hard to make sure the world never knows when I am angry at my husband. Not their business.

[Anonymous]

Here’s what happened. Went skiing out west with DH, another couple (one person is my cousin) and two other people (not married).

The men must have talked about leaving at a specific time in the morning to ski, but I was not part of that conversation.

When I woke up on first day of skiing, I had a scratchy throat, and had stubbed my toe on DH’s board bag the night before. Looked in DH’s board bag for my thermals and couldn’t find them, so got a little frantic (it was in the teens). Went upstairs and DH had made eggs, but everyone had eaten all of them except left a tiny bite for me. I gave the tiny bite to DH to finish off, then made my own eggs.

Meanwhile everyone has eaten, so they get ready to go. I’m still finishing my eggs. The men wait outside for my DH to go, but at that point, I didn’t ask them to wait, since they clearly had talked about a time, and I wasn’t part of that convo. So they leave and my cousin waits for me.

After I finish eggs, I go back to room and find my thermals on the bed. DH had moved them there. I change, look for my helmet and goggles, can’t find them so go out without them, try to put rented skis on but bindings are too tight, plus hurts with stubbed toe, so give up. Thought about driving back down to ski shop to get bindings loosened, but an hour later, it starts snowing quite hard so don’t feel comfortable driving someone else’s rental.

When the men return, DH asks about helmet - tell me it was in his backpack, which I didn’t know to look into. Other than that short convo, I didn’t say anything else or snap at anyone, including DH. Honestly I felt excluded from the beginning of that morning when the men clearly had talked about a plan and waited on each other, but not me.

And I’m usually not a person that keeps others waiting - in this case, I just couldn’t find my thermals and it turns out DH had taken them out of the bag and moved them without telling me, so I felt frantic as soon as I woke up. Yes, I was cold and irritated, but I certainly wasn’t raging such that others would think it’s okay to talk about me like that. But yes, you’re right that others didn’t know DH had moved my stuff, which made me a little frantic, so they must have assumed I was unreasonably late and upset for no reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what happened. Went skiing out west with DH, another couple (one person is my cousin) and two other people (not married).

The men must have talked about leaving at a specific time in the morning to ski, but I was not part of that conversation.

When I woke up on first day of skiing, I had a scratchy throat, and had stubbed my toe on DH’s board bag the night before. Looked in DH’s board bag for my thermals and couldn’t find them, so got a little frantic (it was in the teens). Went upstairs and DH had made eggs, but everyone had eaten all of them except left a tiny bite for me. I gave the tiny bite to DH to finish off, then made my own eggs.

Meanwhile everyone has eaten, so they get ready to go. I’m still finishing my eggs. The men wait outside for my DH to go, but at that point, I didn’t ask them to wait, since they clearly had talked about a time, and I wasn’t part of that convo. So they leave and my cousin waits for me.

After I finish eggs, I go back to room and find my thermals on the bed. DH had moved them there. I change, look for my helmet and goggles, can’t find them so go out without them, try to put rented skis on but bindings are too tight, plus hurts with stubbed toe, so give up. Thought about driving back down to ski shop to get bindings loosened, but an hour later, it starts snowing quite hard so don’t feel comfortable driving someone else’s rental.

When the men return, DH asks about helmet - tell me it was in his backpack, which I didn’t know to look into. Other than that short convo, I didn’t say anything else or snap at anyone, including DH. Honestly I felt excluded from the beginning of that morning when the men clearly had talked about a plan and waited on each other, but not me.

And I’m usually not a person that keeps others waiting - in this case, I just couldn’t find my thermals and it turns out DH had taken them out of the bag and moved them without telling me, so I felt frantic as soon as I woke up. Yes, I was cold and irritated, but I certainly wasn’t raging such that others would think it’s okay to talk about me like that. But yes, you’re right that others didn’t know DH had moved my stuff, which made me a little frantic, so they must have assumed I was unreasonably late and upset for no reason.

Prozac does wonders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you're not as subtle as you think you are, and other people found you unapproachable in your pique.

Agree. And if you were two feet away when they asked him, they were letting you know they were uncomfortable with how you dealt with things and were open to his side of things. I'd check myself and choose not to be hurt.

How do you choose not to be hurt? They clearly made a plan without me, which was hurtful. In fact, I was going to take ski lessons, but DH suggested that I take them here so we could all ski together on our trip.

[Anonymous]

They think you're being a pain in the ass, OP. Either lighten up and get over it and have a good day on the slopes tomorrow or stop vacationing with these people.

[Anonymous]

Your account was remarkably devoid of emotion. I suspect that's not how it came across in person. It's okay, we all have less than stellar moments (goodness knows I do!), but I suspect your demeanor was hard to ignore.