Unexpected death

[Anonymous]

My mom died unexpectedly a few months ago. I’m really sad. Went to a therapist but we didn’t mesh well. Most of my friends have not lost a parent yet. My husband is a great listener and supportive but I wish I knew more people going through this awful experience. Most people don’t want to talk about it but I want to talk about it. I have young kids (under 5) and am also sad that they lost her too. My mom was pretty much their only grandparent.

Anyone else in this situation or with words of wisdom to offer?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. My heart is heavy with your sadness.
Do you have some small area of your home where you can keep some special item(s) to remember her by? Maybe some photos?

[Anonymous]

https://www.griefshare.org/groups/search

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry for your lost and hope you find a therapist that is a better fit. I will be thinking of you.

[Anonymous]

*loss

[Anonymous]

http://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/forum/13-loss-of-a-parent-mother-or-father/

[Anonymous]

My DH recently lost his mother, and even though we knew it was coming due to illness he want prepared for the overwhelming grief he had and still has. He started seeing a therapist at the Wendht Grief Center, have you tried there? I would seek another therapist, sometimes it takes a few different ones until you mesh with one, you deserve that. I hope you find some relief soon.

[Anonymous]

Montgomery Hospice offers parent loss berevement support groups. I attended one, which met once a week for 8 weeks, after my mother died and it helped me manage and make sense of my grief. I'm sorry for your loss. The death of your Mother is a tremendous loss.

[Anonymous]

We lost DH's mother unexpectedly 6 years ago.

It was the first of his peer group, and of the family. She preceded her own mother (his gm) who probably took it the hardest, poor thing.

Sorry Op.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry. I lost my mom when my 4 kids were all under the age of 5. She was the center of my world and it was so tough. Feeling sad about this and even angry is completely normal. I remember I had a check up with my OB 3 months after she died. My OB asked how my mom was since she was at all my deliveries and I burst out in tears and became snotty mess. I asked her if she thought I needed meds. She said nope, you are grieving and that is something you need to do. For me writing helped because you are right. I wanted to talk about her all the time. That was overwhelming not only for me but my DH. I would write notes. Short, long, just whatever came to mind.

This is going to take time. Give yourself that time. I promise it will get better. It took a long time for me to even think of her without crying. It has been 15 years now and I still cry about losing her. Not everyday, maybe not every month but I still feel short changed and can’t believe she is gone.

[Anonymous]

I'm very sorry, op. I lost my dad a few years ago, and it was my second parent to die when many of my peers still have both. It's a hard place, especially with young kids. I found I would cry in the shower because it was just about the only time I could be alone with my own thoughts and had just that tiny space to grieve.

I'd encourage you to try another therapist. I think it's like dating, sometimes it's just not a match. Also if you have little kids, get a regular sitter to give yourself some time with your own thoughts. Grief really is a process, and you need to go through it to get past it. Giant hugs from me, and I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

So sorry for your loss. In addition to the pp’s recommendations, you may want to read Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. It’s about 30 years old but helped me when I was the only one in my circle in your situation.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I also lost my mom suddenly and unexpectedly and it’s definitely a different animal than a long illness. Not necessarily harder, but different. I was also one of the first in my friend group to lose a parent (except someone who lost her dad as a kid).

I read and wrote a lot to work on it. I would also try a different therapist because that really helped me—someone who wasn’t afraid of my really messy and dark feelings. I never tried a group, but I’ve heard good things.

One thing my therapist told me is there’s no one right way to grieve. She also said that it was a traumatic experience, so that has affected how I’ve dealt with it.

With my friends, it helped if I told them exactly what I needed. Sometimes I said “can I just talk to you and cry and you just listen?” Sometimes it was “hey, please distract me with ridiculous stories.” They wanted to help but didn’t k ow how, and they were glad when I gave them something to do. Husband too.

It’s years later for me and it gets better but doesn’t go away. You’ll be ok, but that ok will be different.

[Anonymous]

Not OP, but another grieving from sudden death, and thank you all for your kind and wise words here.

[Anonymous]

I had a hard time after an unexpected family death. I joined a grief group in Annandale and found it extremely helpful. It's free.

www.havenofnova.org/