Unexpected death

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. My FIL passed away last year and my MIL has found a lot of comfort in a grief group, like many PPs. I think there is something about being with people who can truly say "I know how you feel" that is comforting and healing.

[Anonymous]

OP I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother unexpectedly over ten years ago and I still think about her everyday. The amount of grief subsides over time and I also find it helpful to talk with my sisters about her and try to remember positive especially funny memories of her. Mother's Day is particularly hard but not as hard as when she first passed. I tell you sometimes I think she is still here with me, not physically present but watching and caring from where she is now.

[Anonymous]

My only advice is to focus on your children and raising them in honor of your mother. I'm sure her wish is for you to be the best mom you can be...so be it. I lost my mother almost six years ago and I'm sure she was much older than yours but I think of her every day. I don't think you need a therapist, you just need a goal that honors your mother.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m so very sorry. Both of my parents are still alive, but I recently lost a family member I loved deeply in a very tragic way. Thinking of you, and wishing you peace.

[Anonymous]

I lost my mom when I was 26, almost 20 years ago. It took me 10 years not to think about it every day. The first five years were very painful. I think it's easier when you have kids.

[Anonymous]

i lost a parent unexpectedly. I was basically the first in my peer group (and now that both of my parents are gone, definitely the first for that).
a few months is still very early. I'm so sorry pp.
it took maybe a year before things started to feel 'normal' again (I lost an ill parent also, and it took a while--but no where near as long-- to feel 'normal). obviously the 'new normal.' things will eventually feel ok again, although it is very hard to believe.
i think trying to find a therapist is, based on what you write, a good idea.
I suggest trying super-hard not to project your feelings onto your kids. they are and will grieve and remember in their own ways. talk about your mom, bring her up in conversation etc. Be sad around the, but try not to let it 'take over.'
I have seen a lot of people defined by the death of their parent(s). I made a conscious choice that I didn't want that to be me. We/I remember them, love them, etc., but I worked hard to not let it define me. I hope that make sense.
Again, so sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you, everyone, for reading this and for the kind and supportive responses.

[Anonymous]

I'm really sorry for your loss, OP. I would recommend trying a new therapist. Sometimes you don't mesh with one, but you can find another that will work better. You could also look for support groups or talk with a therapist about support group recommendations. It sounds like you want more of a support group than necessarily just one-on-one therapy.

[Anonymous]

I lost my mum just after I had my first baby and I felt like an orphan and like I didn't know how to mother. I was annoyed at how many @ssholes there were still walking the earth and she was gone. I felt like no one understood. I knew no one (close enough to talk to) who had lost their mother so I felt alone and weird.

I think for a while I pretended she was on vacation so we couldn't talk... once you get past the 'oh- I have to call m-' stage every time you think of something you need to tell her, and you remember she is gone, it gets easier. It's like you have to know it in your bones that that's how it is and there's no changing it.

I get through it daily by doing the things she did as a parent to replicate/honour her parenting and telling stories about her to my kids. I feel good living a life I know she'd be proud of. My coping has moved from an external 'I have to tell mum' to an internal 'I'm doing this so she already knows'.

Even suffering the still-living @ssholes of the world- I inwardly eyeroll like she's right here with me and feels a lot less lonely.

[Anonymous]

I'm so very sorry, OP.

I don't have the right words, so I'll leave you with these from Wind River...


"I'd like to tell you it gets easier, but it doesn't.

If there's a comfort, you get used to the pain if you let yourself. I went to a grief seminar in Casper... don't know why... just... It hurt so much.

I was searching for anything that could make it go away.
That's what I wanted this seminar to do, make it go away.
The instructor come up to me after the seminar was over, sat beside me and said:

"I got good news and bad news.
Bad news is you'll never be the same.
You'll never be whole. Ever.
What was taken from you can't be replaced.
Your daughter's gone.

Now the good news... as soon as you accept that, as soon as you let yourself suffer, allow yourself to grieve, you'll be able to visit her in your mind, and remember all the joy she gave you. All the love she knew.

Right now, you don't even have that, do you?"

He said, "that's what not accepting this grief will rob from you". If you shy from the pain of it, then you rob yourself of every memory of her, my friend.
Every one.
From her first step to her last smile. You'll kill 'em all.

Take the pain.
Take the pain, Martin.
It's the only way to keep her with you.