Do you/did you have a child that you viewed as being mediocre?

[Anonymous]

Serious question and I know I will get reamed by the do-good/say-good crowd. But this is real talk from a mother in a private, anonymous setting.

Have you or did you ever view your child as mediocre? I ask because my 17 year old son is the laziest, sneakiest and at times not the brightest child in the world. He has some terrific qualities, but they are frequently overshadowed by his lazy, sneaky ways. He has low ambition and low energy and I am my wits end. I am naturally motivated and high energy, so relating to him is difficult. I've tried to motivate him, but nothing works. I've taken him to get checked out and nothing comes back except it's just his personality. He is a mediocre student (11th grader)and I just worry about the future for him. He has been this way his entire life and no amount of up-talking/encouragement motivates him to be more.

He lived with my ex-husband for a while, but almost failed that year so I brought him out to live with me. He's doing better, but I declare mediocrity is his best. Are some people destined for mediocrity and if so should I just accept it and aide him in planning out a mediocre life?

Help me a paint a picture for what that life looks like and how to help him plan for it well enough where he can take care of himself once he is grown.

[Anonymous]

Serious question-have you asked him what he envisions for himself and his life? If not, that might be a place to start.

[Anonymous]

Sneaky people sometimes end up making a lot of money.

But of course a lot of people end up being “mediocre.” That’s what the word means = right around average or slightly below.

[Anonymous]

Not cool to say this but look - not everyone is going to be a dr, lawyer, or banker. There are people who end up as teachers or managers at your local retail bank, or insurance agents and have perfectly respectable families and lives. Went to high school with many such guys and there’s nothing wrong with their lives. It’s just that they aren’t worrying about their promotion to equity partner or jetting off to London for a few days. More like a week at the jersey shore in the summer and a hope for a raise. Maybe start accepting that he’ll have a “regular” life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serious question and I know I will get reamed by the do-good/say-good crowd. But this is real talk from a mother in a private, anonymous setting.

Have you or did you ever view your child as mediocre? I ask because my 17 year old son is the laziest, sneakiest and at times not the brightest child in the world. He has some terrific qualities, but they are frequently overshadowed by his lazy, sneaky ways. He has low ambition and low energy and I am my wits end. I am naturally motivated and high energy, so relating to him is difficult. I've tried to motivate him, but nothing works. I've taken him to get checked out and nothing comes back except it's just his personality. He is a mediocre student (11th grader)and I just worry about the future for him. He has been this way his entire life and no amount of up-talking/encouragement motivates him to be more.

He lived with my ex-husband for a while, but almost failed that year so I brought him out to live with me. He's doing better, but I declare mediocrity is his best. Are some people destined for mediocrity and if so should I just accept it and aide him in planning out a mediocre life?

Help me a paint a picture for what that life looks like and how to help him plan for it well enough where he can take care of himself once he is grown.

I really think that boys don't mature as fast-- yes, a generalization, but my friends with daughters and sons say that, in absence of a learning issue, the girls have it together at earlier ages. What you're describing is poor executive functioning (a fancy way of saying unwillingness/inability to see the big picture). This can change, but it has to come from him.
I think you need to put it out there-- you're not planning to support him his whole life. If he enjoys a nice life, he needs to work for it. Girls don't like lazy layabout guys, so there is the relationship aspect of this. At a tactics level, he needs to make a plan for the rest of his high school time, and what he wants to do afterward. If it's not college, it's a job or a trade school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serious question and I know I will get reamed by the do-good/say-good crowd. But this is real talk from a mother in a private, anonymous setting.

Have you or did you ever view your child as mediocre? I ask because my 17 year old son is the laziest, sneakiest and at times not the brightest child in the world. He has some terrific qualities, but they are frequently overshadowed by his lazy, sneaky ways. He has low ambition and low energy and I am my wits end. I am naturally motivated and high energy, so relating to him is difficult. I've tried to motivate him, but nothing works. I've taken him to get checked out and nothing comes back except it's just his personality. He is a mediocre student (11th grader)and I just worry about the future for him. He has been this way his entire life and no amount of up-talking/encouragement motivates him to be more.

He lived with my ex-husband for a while, but almost failed that year so I brought him out to live with me. He's doing better, but I declare mediocrity is his best. Are some people destined for mediocrity and if so should I just accept it and aide him in planning out a mediocre life?

Help me a paint a picture for what that life looks like and how to help him plan for it well enough where he can take care of himself once he is grown.

Maybe he has no interest in what you find interesting so he doesn't try? Not every one cares about school but, that does not mean they are mediocre. What is he sneaky about? Does he think you will put down his interests and that is why he lies or is it something serious...drugs, sex etc?

I've linked a very interesting article from the Washington Post columnist Petula Dvorok about her little brother who they thought was a loser basically because he didn't value what they valued.


https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/little-bro-teaches-this-family-some-life-lessons/2018/01/01/e8a89f76-ef20-11e7-b390-a36dc3fa2842_story.html?utm_term=.3e2afc4671b2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not cool to say this but look - not everyone is going to be a dr, lawyer, or banker. There are people who end up as teachers or managers at your local retail bank, or insurance agents and have perfectly respectable families and lives. Went to high school with many such guys and there’s nothing wrong with their lives. It’s just that they aren’t worrying about their promotion to equity partner or jetting off to London for a few days. More like a week at the jersey shore in the summer and a hope for a raise. Maybe start accepting that he’ll have a “regular” life.

You're comparing teachers to bank managers and insurance agents? Most of the teachers I know have Master's degrees.

[Anonymous]

It’s concerning that you think he is sneaky.

Sneaky = secretive and dishonest.

Not a good attribute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not cool to say this but look - not everyone is going to be a dr, lawyer, or banker. There are people who end up as teachers or managers at your local retail bank, or insurance agents and have perfectly respectable families and lives. Went to high school with many such guys and there’s nothing wrong with their lives. It’s just that they aren’t worrying about their promotion to equity partner or jetting off to London for a few days. More like a week at the jersey shore in the summer and a hope for a raise. Maybe start accepting that he’ll have a “regular” life.

You're comparing teachers to bank managers and insurance agents? Most of the teachers I know have Master's degrees.

+ 1

Teachers in the northeast can make good money too, especially considering the amount of time they get off.

I’d be happy if one of my kids wanted to be a teacher. It’s a very respectable profession imo.

[Anonymous]

"Naturally motivated and high energy" people are annoying to Type B people, which I imagine he is. To top it off, you're his mom and he's a teenager. You're probably driving him nuts at this point and he's being passive aggressive. So ease off a bit.

[Anonymous]

It's fine. My friend's son was never very good at school. But if you didn't talk to him about school, he'd light up and was totally charming. I told him to go into sales. He struggled through college and then went into pharmeceutical (sp?) sales. He does great at it. TONS of people go to a no-name college, and then manage the Gap, or work in the marketing department of a law firm, or are a professional dog walker or nanny. All of these things are okay. I'm friends with a girl who's a receptionist at a tech firm. She's great at her job, and super friendly and happy and has a lovely girlfriend who is a professional chef.

[Anonymous]

There's the problem of living in a city area with some of the most over-degreed parents in the country if not the globe. Children who don't live up to those high metrics just look lazy to their progenitors.

Its the same problem Hollywood children face after being born to some of the most beautiful and desirable people on the planet. Hard to be seen in a fair light in comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not cool to say this but look - not everyone is going to be a dr, lawyer, or banker. There are people who end up as teachers or managers at your local retail bank, or insurance agents and have perfectly respectable families and lives. Went to high school with many such guys and there’s nothing wrong with their lives. It’s just that they aren’t worrying about their promotion to equity partner or jetting off to London for a few days. More like a week at the jersey shore in the summer and a hope for a raise. Maybe start accepting that he’ll have a “regular” life.

You're comparing teachers to bank managers and insurance agents? Most of the teachers I know have Master's degrees.

+ 1

Teachers in the northeast can make good money too, especially considering the amount of time they get off.

I’d be happy if one of my kids wanted to be a teacher. It’s a very respectable profession imo.

OP here, I'd be over the moon if he wanted to become a teacher, because that would require college and some level of ambition. If he wanted to become a teacher I wouldn't have started this thread. When I say mediocre I mean--living in your mom's basement at 40 with a part time job at Target that you are frequently late for...

That is my fear

[Anonymous]

My father wasn't super ambitious. My mother's father was a very driven, successful, self-made man, and he was horrified that my mother married my father. In fact, he refused to attend the wedding. My father went to a college that people on this forum would scoff at, and he did go on to have a perfectly "mediocre" career. However, my father was a very kind man and a wonderful and loving dad, and we had a lovely, average middle class life. We couldn't afford international travel or private schools, but we also never wanted for anything important. When he died, the chapel was standing room only. I had never realized how many lives he touched.

This country is full of people like this. Washington attracts every ambitious student body president Ivy League lawyer in the country, and it gives you a false sense of what the average (what you would call "mediocre") person is like. This is not Lake Wobegon. Not every kid (even here) is going to be above average. That doesn't mean that they aren't going to have a great life.

[Anonymous]

My youngest is one. I try so hard to get her interested in something. Currently it is softball. I am at wits end.