Do you/did you have a child that you viewed as being mediocre?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serious question and I know I will get reamed by the do-good/say-good crowd. But this is real talk from a mother in a private, anonymous setting.

Have you or did you ever view your child as mediocre? I ask because my 17 year old son is the laziest, sneakiest and at times not the brightest child in the world. He has some terrific qualities, but they are frequently overshadowed by his lazy, sneaky ways. He has low ambition and low energy and I am my wits end. I am naturally motivated and high energy, so relating to him is difficult. I've tried to motivate him, but nothing works. I've taken him to get checked out and nothing comes back except it's just his personality. He is a mediocre student (11th grader)and I just worry about the future for him. He has been this way his entire life and no amount of up-talking/encouragement motivates him to be more.

He lived with my ex-husband for a while, but almost failed that year so I brought him out to live with me. He's doing better, but I declare mediocrity is his best. Are some people destined for mediocrity and if so should I just accept it and aide him in planning out a mediocre life?

Help me a paint a picture for what that life looks like and how to help him plan for it well enough where he can take care of himself once he is grown.

Most people are mediocre. What do you expect from him? I know a lot " naturally motivated and high energy" that ended up going nowhere. I also know people that describe themselves as "naturally motivated and high energy" but really are just inefficient and spend a lot of time on silly busy work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sneaky people sometimes end up making a lot of money.

But of course a lot of people end up being “mediocre.” That’s what the word means = right around average or slightly below.

Well said. The most successful people I know from high school were not "naturally motivated and high energy" people doing the stereotypical good student thing. They were the ones that were easily bored, not particularly interested in school and would get in trouble occasionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s concerning that you think he is sneaky.

Sneaky = secretive and dishonest.

Not a good attribute.

Tend to be successful unless they are stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not cool to say this but look - not everyone is going to be a dr, lawyer, or banker. There are people who end up as teachers or managers at your local retail bank, or insurance agents and have perfectly respectable families and lives. Went to high school with many such guys and there’s nothing wrong with their lives. It’s just that they aren’t worrying about their promotion to equity partner or jetting off to London for a few days. More like a week at the jersey shore in the summer and a hope for a raise. Maybe start accepting that he’ll have a “regular” life.

You're comparing teachers to bank managers and insurance agents? Most of the teachers I know have Master's degrees.

So what? I have two and it doesn't offend me. Do you think someone with a masters is above being compared to someone without one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not cool to say this but look - not everyone is going to be a dr, lawyer, or banker. There are people who end up as teachers or managers at your local retail bank, or insurance agents and have perfectly respectable families and lives. Went to high school with many such guys and there’s nothing wrong with their lives. It’s just that they aren’t worrying about their promotion to equity partner or jetting off to London for a few days. More like a week at the jersey shore in the summer and a hope for a raise. Maybe start accepting that he’ll have a “regular” life.

You're comparing teachers to bank managers and insurance agents? Most of the teachers I know have Master's degrees.

+ 1

Teachers in the northeast can make good money too, especially considering the amount of time they get off.

I’d be happy if one of my kids wanted to be a teacher. It’s a very respectable profession imo.

All sorts of trade jobs pay well. Plumber, A/C, car mechanic etc...Maybe he wants to do something different but do you stifle him. Let him explore what he would to do.

That is my fear

[Anonymous]

if he is into computers you're actually really in luck.
help him do some extracurricular computer programming/tinkering activities... see how it goes. he just might do ok in college and get a good job

[Anonymous]

My Junior DD is the same. I try to back off but man it's hard.

[Anonymous]

Mr. Miyagi says it the best in so many quotes:
There are no bad kids, just bad teachers.
Problem: attitude
Walk on road, hm?
First learn stand, then learn fly, nature rule
Love does not claim possession, but gives freedom.
A good traveler has no fixed plans.
I think OP, you and your DS should watch Karate Kid together. Ok, last two I don't think are Mr. Miyagi, but you get my point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's his GPA?

2.57

IT help desk. Most of those people don’t even go to college or get by with an associates. If he likes tech generally, I’d look at auto mechanic trade schools - cars are pretty computerized these days.

[Anonymous]

He enjoys computers? Get him into some classes so he can learn more about them. He sounds exactly like my ex-husband, who may not have a lot of ambition, but he built his first computer when he was 7, he can fix anything, computers, small engines, cars, you name it, and he has a genius IQ. He's also dyslexic, cannot put his thoughts down on paper, couldn't graduate, and finally managed to acquire his GED. He's happy, he's a great dad, and he's an awesome guy. Your son has interests. Foster those. Everyone is not meant to walk the same road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:does sneaky mean he's scared of you and trying to avoid disappointing you and thus getting a lecture? The lyft example sounds less like a sneaky kid and more like a kid who doesn't want to get reamed by him mother again.

This. I am guilty of this. DS was lying to us to avoid getting yelled at. I accept my part in that scenario and have tried to back off. Still hard to hold myself back. I hate that he's basically wasting a good education by not trying very hard. But he stopped lying about things when I stopped unloading on him for it.

Agree that getting a Lyft to school means he solved a problem. If he used a Lyft to go buy drugs, now THAT's a real problem. Give him a debit card for the next time he needs to rescue himself from a screw-up. Know that it will happen again.

PPs who brought up making the comparison to DH at the same age. Yes, he was an underachiever in HS, but wishes his parents had pushed him more academically. Still - he went to a good university and then earned two masters degrees. Not sure if people can still do that these days?? At any rate, I'm OK with DS being a coach in his sport, which is his most likely career path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sneaky people sometimes end up making a lot of money.

But of course a lot of people end up being “mediocre.” That’s what the word means = right around average or slightly below.

I was a mediocre student but I knew my strengths and played to those. I make $300K a year. That's not to say anyone who is mediocre can make good money. I would consider my DS mediocre but he also has a learning disability. But, I am trying to help him discover his strengths. DS has a sister who is a stellar student but I never compare the two. I love my children equally. It is not easy but you have to parent and support the child you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not cool to say this but look - not everyone is going to be a dr, lawyer, or banker. There are people who end up as teachers or managers at your local retail bank, or insurance agents and have perfectly respectable families and lives. Went to high school with many such guys and there’s nothing wrong with their lives. It’s just that they aren’t worrying about their promotion to equity partner or jetting off to London for a few days. More like a week at the jersey shore in the summer and a hope for a raise. Maybe start accepting that he’ll have a “regular” life.

You're comparing teachers to bank managers and insurance agents? Most of the teachers I know have Master's degrees.

Having a masters degree does not preclude you from being Mediocre. There are TON of below average teachers and some downright awful ones. To get a great teacher is the exception, not the rule.

[Anonymous]

I will only add that sometimes I think my parents felt this way about me as a 17 year old. I am a well adjusted mother of two now, who is creative, and makes a positive impact on society.
Don't give up on your son.

My advice is to stop "trying to motivate him", let him feel OWNERSHIP of his life. It may take some turns you wish it didn't but if you are a positive and loving parent, who focuses on the THINGS HE DOES DO WELL, and lets him make his own decisions as much as possible, he will end up ok, if not great as an adult. Do things together that are just about BEING TOGETHER ENJOYING HIS COMPANY. That takes effort, a change of mindset and is hard, but can be transforming.

[Anonymous]

Yes, DD is mediocre. She took several intelligence tests at Johns Hopkins and came out as very average. She is very emotionally and socially intelligent, and is very sweet and likable. Most people are average.