Dealing with Aging Parents is Payback for Adolescence

[Anonymous]

If they hadn't been good parents and if I didn't understand what a PITA I was growing up I would throw in the towel. No way could I manage this for my inlaws who were not good parents and not kind to me either.

My father has dementia and health issues and mom is maybe starting to fade, but pretty functional. I am the one who lives closest who helps out and I get the brunt of her anxiety and fury. Unfortunately there are things that must get done so I have to negotiate with her when and how I can help because everything overwhelms her right now. I cannot tell you how many times I have been yelled at by her. This is non-negotiable stuff. If I backed off, she would postpone and then fall apart and be a mess. Every now and i then she shares gratitude and I truly appreciate that. Also, I take great pride in how far we've come with finding the right doctors and help otherwise thanks to my intervening. I am learning to calmly address her and I think rather than ignore her yelling at me I will start saying "I know you are stressed. I am trying to ease some of that, but I will not continue to be yelled at by you." I try to give her choices and make her feel in control, but sometimes she just does loses it and at those time I will simply offer to talk to her when she is calmer.

My siblings come into town now and then and aren't much help. That is fine, but I have zero tolerance for them calling me and treating me like the hired nurse or social worker. They call me anxious about things expecting me to fix everything. They also want me to convey things to my parents that they don't want to convey because apparently I should be the only one getting verbally assaulted. I am now simply telling them any concerns they have need to be share directly. I will not be a messenger.

I have my ways to cope and I will suck it up regardless because I truly feel I owe it to them, but man is it hard setting boundaries. My brother and sister are the worst expecting me to convey their every message and then they call my parents only with pleasantries. So I am supposed to be the bad guy. Ever since i told them I would not be their messenger they now complain about me to my parents and feel I am not doing enough. I am married with a family of my own and a job so that is all a priority.

It is what it is. At some point I'll join a support group in person, now i just do message boards online and it helps. Anyone relate? Oh and if someone would like to call me a martyr-spare me. I am trying to keep my head above water and I already get enough BS from my sister especially and dealing with my parents.

[Anonymous]

I think you should join a support group NOW. You are stressed out to the point of making yourself sick, Op. That is not good. You need a break. And you need to learn how much you can reasonably do without compromising your own sanity. Seriously. Your life and happiness matter, too.

[Anonymous]

You don't mention how far away your siblings are, but you should ask for their help. What if you break a leg? Would your parent's ENTIRE system come to a halt? Siblings need to be involved and on a schedule--for your parents as well as you.

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar situation in that I have two parents (divorced) needing care (including dementia) and I am the sibling living away. This is also a difficult position to be in. I am sorry that I now longer live at home but I can't change that. You need to make specific requests of your siblings that they can do. My siblings think I somehow know what needs to be done and can just do it when in fact I have no idea. My parents' decline has ruined the relationship I had with my siblings. Before that, I was on okay terms with one and was best friends with the other. Now all the fighting about the parental workload has ruined that, maybe forever. Don't burn yourself out. Communicate with them and tell them what you need.

[Anonymous]

I could have written this - hang in there. It is really hard esp when you still have kids at home.

[Anonymous]

Oh and I reminded my sister of this saying: “if you want it done your way, do it yourself.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar situation in that I have two parents (divorced) needing care (including dementia) and I am the sibling living away. This is also a difficult position to be in. I am sorry that I now longer live at home but I can't change that. You need to make specific requests of your siblings that they can do. My siblings think I somehow know what needs to be done and can just do it when in fact I have no idea. My parents' decline has ruined the relationship I had with my siblings. Before that, I was on okay terms with one and was best friends with the other. Now all the fighting about the parental workload has ruined that, maybe forever. Don't burn yourself out. Communicate with them and tell them what you need.

This is sad.
You had me until the last sentence.
How about ask them what they need

[Anonymous]

Wowee, OP, aren't you just too wonderful for words?!

[Anonymous]

Hugs to you OP. I can relate but only somewhat because I have it far easier than you. I only have to help manage care for ONE aging parent...and thankfully, as an only child, i don't have to deal with unhelpful siblings. You're already doing some things that are self-protective so kudos to you. Yes, when your mother vents her fury to you, continue telling her that you will talk to her when she is calmer--this is what I learned in a parenting class and, sadly, it also applies to aging parents who, in many ways, become your children. It's great, too, that you've set some boundaries with your siblings so that they don't use you as a messenger to your parents. From what I've observed from others who are caring for elderly parents and have unhelpful siblings, having sibling in the mix makes it even harder on the caretakers. As much as I sometimes feel I am so alone in caring for my parent, I am also grateful that I don't have to deal with the complications that siblings bring to the table. One way to deal with the siblings is to distance yourself from all the drama (i.e., minimize your contact with them for now) and suggest specific tasks they can perform to help mom and dad--perhaps via weekly emails to the group of siblings. E.g., "Mom and Dad don't seem to be able to keep up with their housecleaning. Could one of you research and arrange for a cleaning service to come in weekly?" If your parents or you have the money, I'd out source as much as you can of the menial stuff by paying companies that do those tasks all the time so that you can use your time and energy helping manage the more important details of your parents' lives--finances, medical issues, etc. That's what helped me--I finally came to see my role as that of a case worker of sorts and I expend my energy making sure my parent gets the best care possible from his doctors and retirement community. You can't be/do everything for your parents. Let one of your siblings go over and listen to your mother's venting so you can preserve your strength for the managerial aspects of their care. You can't be their psychologist too. The truth is that both your parents are going through the aging process and experiencing many of the feelings that come with it: powerlessness, fear, anger, frustration, etc. and that just can't be helped. It's a process that we will all probably go through to some degree or another and for varying lengths of time. It's just a factor of aging and I do think that cognitive changes make it worse. You can't fix it all for them so just minimize the amount of time you spend on the receiving end of the anger, etc. And treat yourself or get away once in a while by yourself or with your immediate family because those small breaks really help make the process a bit easier. Any way, I just want to let you know that I understand what you're going through and applaud you for what you're doing for your folks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wowee, OP, aren't you just too wonderful for words?!

She’s pretty wonderful in my book. You, on the other hand, offer nothing.

[Anonymous]

I had to become a caretaker of my father in my mid twenties. An inoperable glioblastoma was discovered. During a routine biopsy he had a brain bleed and stroke. For his remaining three months of life it was pure hell for me. On top of trying to understand the death sentence he had been handed, he was honestly out of his mind. A physical therapist saw him rip me to pieces during one of my dad's appointments. The PT told me that he's taking his anger out on the person he knows will still be there, regardless. So I held onto that as I went through the remaining months of a hot and cold parent. One moment trying to connect with his daughter, the next moment telling her she is failing him. When they have a mental disease or brain injury that impacts their personality it can feel impossible. I look back now and understand that although it was hell, I've been granted a hall-pass as I don't have to take care of him for years upon years, on top of raise a family and hold a career of my own.


My heart bleeds for you OP. My father's little sister has been in the same boat as you for years with her parents. She lived the closest, everyone else out of state. It's just her father left to take care of now.

I know this time is hard <3

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wowee, OP, aren't you just too wonderful for words?!

You are a very fortunate person. Not being able to sympathize with OP means you haven't experienced it. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's a terrible way to spend your lasts years with your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had to become a caretaker of my father in my mid twenties. An inoperable glioblastoma was discovered. During a routine biopsy he had a brain bleed and stroke. For his remaining three months of life it was pure hell for me. On top of trying to understand the death sentence he had been handed, he was honestly out of his mind. A physical therapist saw him rip me to pieces during one of my dad's appointments. The PT told me that he's taking his anger out on the person he knows will still be there, regardless. So I held onto that as I went through the remaining months of a hot and cold parent. One moment trying to connect with his daughter, the next moment telling her she is failing him. When they have a mental disease or brain injury that impacts their personality it can feel impossible. I look back now and understand that although it was hell, I've been granted a hall-pass as I don't have to take care of him for years upon years, on top of raise a family and hold a career of my own.


My heart bleeds for you OP. My father's little sister has been in the same boat as you for years with her parents. She lived the closest, everyone else out of state. It's just her father left to take care of now.

I know this time is hard <3

Left out that my grandmother (father and aunt's mother) had alzheimer's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar situation in that I have two parents (divorced) needing care (including dementia) and I am the sibling living away. This is also a difficult position to be in. I am sorry that I now longer live at home but I can't change that. You need to make specific requests of your siblings that they can do. My siblings think I somehow know what needs to be done and can just do it when in fact I have no idea. My parents' decline has ruined the relationship I had with my siblings. Before that, I was on okay terms with one and was best friends with the other. Now all the fighting about the parental workload has ruined that, maybe forever. Don't burn yourself out. Communicate with them and tell them what you need.

This also happened in DH’s family. He and his brother barely speak and the family never gathers all together except at weddings and funerals.

[Anonymous]

As someone who lost both their parents by the time I was 30, including one as a young child, I would give anything to be in your situation, OP.

I know you're tired and stressed, but you also have had a lot of tremendous good fortune - gratitude and recognition of that might put things into perspective.