Dealing with Aging Parents is Payback for Adolescence

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you.It helps to know I am not alone and it is sweet of people to defend me.

One issue is they adamantly refuse hired help for a long list of reasons. They can more than afford it and we can pay, but they will not allow it. I have thought of contacting the neurologist to see if she can help convince them to allow it.

Also yes the personality changes with dementia are hard to accept. It was especially helpful when the poster shared her story of what the PT observed. My mother is only at the very early stages, but my father is farther along. My mother is stressed and will be in credibly combative and nasty over minor things. It is helpful to think of what you were told. In my mother's case it's more the stress than the disease.If anyone else spoke to me that way I'd get away or get them into counseling with me (like if my husband were like that). I am going to set more boundaries, but I do get it comes from a place of fear and I am a safe person. It also doesn't sting like it used to. It just is draining walking on eggshells.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. I had three grandparents live into their 90's, and it was extremely difficult.

Re: hired help- My widowed grandmother intermittently refused to hire help, or would hire help and then demean them until they quit. She was born in the deep south in 1907 and was quite racist-- the black women we hired weren't allowed to use her telephone or help with any medical tasks, plus she was mean as hell to them, and the white women we hired were demeaned because apparently only black women should be hired help. Needless to say, she was extremely difficult to deal with, and after a health crisis, she ended up in a nursing home, and, sadly, eventually in the Alzheimers unit. My other grandparents hired help and were very difficult to deal with, given dementia and incontinence, etc, but at least my mom didn't have to do everything for them, plus they were generally kinder than my other grandmother. And they ended up dying in their home, surrounded by family, because they were willing to accept help.

Good luck- these situations are incredibly difficult!

[Anonymous]

I think the sibling who is the primary caretaker should be able to make the decisions. The siblings who are far away really should give more leeway to make hiring decisions etc. I dealt with a parent with serious medical issues but was an only child so was primary decision maker.

[Anonymous]

Are you the OP that started another similar thread about what sibling should know about elderly parents, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Are you the OP that started another similar thread about what sibling should know about elderly parents, OP?

This one?:
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/694246.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Are you the OP that started another similar thread about what sibling should know about elderly parents, OP?

This one?:
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/694246.page

OP here. Yep, that's me. I was trying to pinpoint. It really is as simple as show empathy and don't treat me like your hired social worker. I understand they cannot physically help much and that really doesn't bother me. My problem, and yes I have communicated this multiple times, is the complete lack of empathy for the fact I have many things pulling at me and if they don't like being yelled at by our parents than why would you try to make me the official communicator when I have to be yelled at regularly.

I really do appreciate the well meaning behind suggestions like hire help and have people tell your parents to behave. My parents WILL NOT accept help. At one point my brother not only suggested I hire help, but he had a full list of criteria the help had to meet to help me? I told him if he can convince them to accept it we can then chat about his extensive list of requirements. You tell my parents to behave over and over, but that will not make it so and no i am not willing to let them self-destruct.