Reply to Dealing with Aging Parents is Payback for Adolescence

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[quote=Anonymous]Hugs to you OP. I can relate but only somewhat because I have it far easier than you. I only have to help manage care for ONE aging parent...and thankfully, as an only child, i don't have to deal with unhelpful siblings. You're already doing some things that are self-protective so kudos to you. Yes, when your mother vents her fury to you, continue telling her that you will talk to her when she is calmer--this is what I learned in a parenting class and, sadly, it also applies to aging parents who, in many ways, become your children. It's great, too, that you've set some boundaries with your siblings so that they don't use you as a messenger to your parents. From what I've observed from others who are caring for elderly parents and have unhelpful siblings, having sibling in the mix makes it even harder on the caretakers. As much as I sometimes feel I am so alone in caring for my parent, I am also grateful that I don't have to deal with the complications that siblings bring to the table. One way to deal with the siblings is to distance yourself from all the drama (i.e., minimize your contact with them for now) and suggest specific tasks they can perform to help mom and dad--perhaps via weekly emails to the group of siblings. E.g., "Mom and Dad don't seem to be able to keep up with their housecleaning. Could one of you research and arrange for a cleaning service to come in weekly?"  If your parents or you have the money, I'd out source as much as you can of the menial stuff by paying companies that do those tasks all the time so that you can use your time and energy helping manage the more important details of your parents' lives--finances, medical issues, etc. That's what helped me--I finally came to see my role as that of a case worker of sorts and I expend my energy making sure my parent gets the best care possible from his doctors and retirement community. You can't be/do everything for your parents. Let one of your siblings go over and listen to your mother's venting so you can preserve your strength for the managerial aspects of their care. You can't be their psychologist too. The truth is that both your parents are going through the aging process and experiencing many of the feelings that come with it: powerlessness, fear, anger, frustration, etc. and that just can't be helped. It's a process that we will all probably go through to some degree or another and for varying lengths of time. It's just a factor of aging and I do think that cognitive changes make it worse. You can't fix it all for them so just minimize the amount of time you spend on the receiving end of the anger, etc.  And treat yourself or get away once in a while by yourself or with your immediate family because those small breaks really help make the process a bit easier. Any way, I just want to let you know that I understand what you're going through and applaud you for what you're doing for your folks. [/quote]

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