Reply to Dealing with Aging Parents is Payback for Adolescence

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[quote=Anonymous]  If they hadn't been good parents and if I didn't understand what a PITA I was growing up I would throw in the towel. No way could I manage this for my inlaws who were not good parents and not kind to me either.

My father has dementia and health issues and mom is maybe starting to fade, but pretty functional. I am the one who lives closest who helps out and I get the brunt of her anxiety and fury. Unfortunately there are things that must get done so I have to negotiate with her when and how I can help because everything overwhelms her right now. I cannot tell you how many times I have been yelled at by her. This is non-negotiable stuff. If I backed off, she would postpone and then fall apart and be a mess. Every now and i then she shares gratitude and I truly appreciate that. Also, I take great pride in how far we've come with finding the right doctors and help otherwise thanks to my intervening. I am learning to calmly address her and I think rather than ignore her yelling at me I will start saying "I know you are stressed. I am trying to ease some of that, but I will not continue to be yelled at by you." I try to give her choices and make her feel in control, but sometimes she just does loses it and at those time I will simply offer to talk to her when she is calmer.

My siblings come into town now and then and aren't much help. That is fine, but I have zero tolerance for them calling me and treating me like the hired nurse or social worker.  They call me anxious about things expecting me to fix everything. They also want me to convey things to my parents that they don't want to convey because apparently I should be the only one getting verbally assaulted. I am now simply telling them any concerns they have need to be share directly. I will not be a messenger.

I have my ways to cope and I will suck it up regardless because I truly feel I owe it to them, but man is it hard setting boundaries. My brother and sister are the worst expecting me to convey their every message and then they call my parents only with pleasantries. So I am supposed to be the bad guy. Ever since i told them I would not be their messenger they now complain about me to my parents and feel I am not doing enough. I am married with a family of my own and a job so that is all a priority.

It is what it is. At some point I'll join a support group in person, now i just do message boards online and it helps. Anyone relate? Oh and if someone would like to call me a martyr-spare me. I am trying to keep my head above water and I already get enough BS from my sister especially and dealing with my parents.[/quote]

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