How much to accommodate DS's mental health issues

[Anonymous]

This is a question about how much we, as parents, should accommodate our child's mental health issues. DS 14 has major anxiety/OCD/rigidity/asperger-ish behaviors. We've booked travel on Southwest and the whole travel experience is always very difficult for our family because of his issues. DS will be anxious about being late the whole day, which would be okay if he could exercise self-control, but his anxiety will manifest in really condescending and nasty behavior, along with foul words towards his sibling and the rest of the family.

Since I know this will happen, and it's already causing me some anxiety, I'm contemplating whether to pay the additional $15/person each way for pre-check in, so $120 total for 4 of us round-trip. It probably won't help our seating that much, but I could at least tell DS that I understand his anxiety and in this small way am trying to help make things easier. I'll of course talk to DS in advance of the trip about how he can exercise self-control. Alternatively, I suppose I could talk to the gate agent when we arrive and see if he and either my spouse or myself can have advance boarding.

I'm just wondering how other parents handle these types of issues and balance the desire to accommodate, while also teaching our children that sometimes you just gotta deal with things.

[Anonymous]

With my 10 yo with similar issues we just preboard when they ask for young children and those traveling with children with disabilities. However, he is still small. I think I will pay for the preboarding in the next year or so. If it is a money issue, maybe you can just pay for two of you? It definitely seems worth it to pay extra to help ease his (and your) anxiety.

[Anonymous]

I think an important part of the teenage years for young people with disabilities is teaching them to advocate for what they need.

I'd explain the disability preboarding process to him, and then ask him if he thinks it would make a difference. If he thinks so, then I'd have him approach the desk and ask for the preboarding pass, and then choose who boards early with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think an important part of the teenage years for young people with disabilities is teaching them to advocate for what they need.

I'd explain the disability preboarding process to him, and then ask him if he thinks it would make a difference. If he thinks so, then I'd have him approach the desk and ask for the preboarding pass, and then choose who boards early with him.

Not OP, but my son could never manage his anxiety well enough to request the preboarding passes. I’d pay $15 for two of us and let him get settled. Not sure I’d pay for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Is his concern about being late to the airport and missing the plane, or getting a bad seat because of Southwest?

[Anonymous]

What are his fears? Can he discuss them with you?

[Anonymous]

I would prepay or just go to the gate and see if they will let you do early boarding. We always prepay just to be safe to make sure we sit together. Or, prepay for just two people and have those two hold seats.

[Anonymous]

In future, don't fly Southwest, fly an airline that gives you seat assignments. You know your child's triggers, so don't trigger them. He also still should get consequences for his rudeness to,other family members. He's old enough that he has to become part of his own solutions. What does his doctor/therapist suggest?

[Anonymous]

Op here. I wish I had clear answers to these questions. Whenever we have any type of appointment, DS is anxious about getting there early and any family member standing in his way will get the nasty talk, which we don't tolerate, but it still happens. DS is just very rigid about schedules in general, so this applies to going to places and also leaving them. He is fixated on schedules and expects everyone to keep to them, which is obviously not how the world works. Nevertheless, if the plane is supposed to depart at 1 PM, he gets agitated if it doesn't. Putting the plane issue aside, if he was just at an after school activity and expected to be picked up at a certain time, he starts texting us in a pissed off way if we are a minute late, or likewise texts us to come early if the activity finishes even a few minutes early. Therapist advised us to purposely pick him up a few minutes late sometimes to help him understand that things go off schedule, but it's so hard because we take his wrath as a result. We do it because we know it's important for him to develop patience and skill in this area, but it really sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think an important part of the teenage years for young people with disabilities is teaching them to advocate for what they need.

I'd explain the disability preboarding process to him, and then ask him if he thinks it would make a difference. If he thinks so, then I'd have him approach the desk and ask for the preboarding pass, and then choose who boards early with him.

Not OP, but my son could never manage his anxiety well enough to request the preboarding passes. I’d pay $15 for two of us and let him get settled. Not sure I’d pay for everyone.

PP here, fair enough. The thing about anxiety is how individualized it is. My kid has devastating anxiety about somethings, and yet other things, like flying, don't phase him at all. Most of his anxiety is about interactions with people he knows well enough to care about their perceptions of him, so talking to strangers is easy. I shouldn't have phrased my suggestion as the only way, but just as one idea.

I'll still say that I'd take advantage of the free preboarding. Disability accommodations are there for situations exactly like this, and people with mental illness deserve the ability to use them without fear or shame, just like people with other disabilities. I also think that the difference between preboarding, when there's only a few people on the plane and the flight attendants are letting you have a little more time, and the A tickets you purchase, which mean more choice but no less rush, has the potential to make a huge difference. If asking for the preboard meant that I needed to be the one to approach and advocate, with my kid at my side, or across the room with their other parent watching, I'd try and make it happen.

I'd also try, to whatever degree was possible, to make the use the accommodation, and the process of advocating for it, transparent to my child. If that was too much in the moment, while he was also dealing with the anxiety about the flight, I might have a conversation before or after. I recognize, however that the degree to which that's possible varies according to the needs of the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I wish I had clear answers to these questions. Whenever we have any type of appointment, DS is anxious about getting there early and any family member standing in his way will get the nasty talk, which we don't tolerate, but it still happens. DS is just very rigid about schedules in general, so this applies to going to places and also leaving them. He is fixated on schedules and expects everyone to keep to them, which is obviously not how the world works. Nevertheless, if the plane is supposed to depart at 1 PM, he gets agitated if it doesn't. Putting the plane issue aside, if he was just at an after school activity and expected to be picked up at a certain time, he starts texting us in a pissed off way if we are a minute late, or likewise texts us to come early if the activity finishes even a few minutes early. Therapist advised us to purposely pick him up a few minutes late sometimes to help him understand that things go off schedule, but it's so hard because we take his wrath as a result. We do it because we know it's important for him to develop patience and skill in this area, but it really sucks.

My kid has anxiety and one of his anxieties is being on time, so he fixated on clocks and if we are late he is really upset. The day we forgot him at baseball practice was a low point. So I sympathize! Our therapist also has us being purposefully late to build flexibility and show DS that being late is tolerable. But travel is a whole different level of hell. It is going to suck even if everything goes right, because travel is tiring and stressful and hard. If you can make it even marginally easier for everyone I would. There are times to practice skills, and then there are times to just get through the day. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Pay for your son and 1 parent to pre-board. Other family members can fill in around them. SW has no policy against saving seats. Many families only pay for 1 pre-boarder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pay for your son and 1 parent to pre-board. Other family members can fill in around them. SW has no policy against saving seats. Many families only pay for 1 pre-boarder.

I've done this with my husband saving seats for us or my child and I going and saving him a seat. Some staff will let you do family board with an older child/SN. We have done both family board and priority boarding as they offered it when we talked to them. Now I don't take a chance and make sure to do one pay so at least two of us can sit together. I have had people ask if seat is saved and I just say yes, done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pay for your son and 1 parent to pre-board. Other family members can fill in around them. SW has no policy against saving seats. Many families only pay for 1 pre-boarder.

I've done this with my husband saving seats for us or my child and I going and saving him a seat. Some staff will let you do family board with an older child/SN. We have done both family board and priority boarding as they offered it when we talked to them. Now I don't take a chance and make sure to do one pay so at least two of us can sit together. I have had people ask if seat is saved and I just say yes, done.

PP who initially suggested the disability preboarding.

I think it's important to understand what the issues that each of the 3 options: disability preboarding, paid preboarding, and family preboarding, will solve to make sure you have the right one.

Disability preboarding means that he boards when the plane is empty. He'd get to choose a seat, and sit with family, which is great, but he also wouldn't be dealing with crowded aisles and anxiety about getting settled before the plane takes off. He'd also miss the cattle call line up.

Paid preboarding means that he's getting on the plane with a lot of other people. He'd have a similar choice of seats, and be with family, but the other things like the pressure of more people coming, and lining up in a crowded line with strangers, would be the same.

Family boarding means boarding between A and B groups. Much less choice of seats, but he'd still be guaranteed to be with someone. Still boarding into a crowded airplane with crowded aisles. It's not guaranteed though. Generally, it's only for people with kids under 6, so the chances they'd allow it for a 14 year old are slight. I'm not sure I see the advantage of approaching them, explaining the disability, and asking for an exception to family boarding, when you could do the same exact thing and ask for disability preboarding, which is better suited to his needs, and more likely to be accepted.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get what you and others are saying about trying to balance accommodating your child's issues and and pushing him a bit out of his comfort level. But this is vacation! If you can do simple things to make it go more smoothly I would advise you to do them.

One idea might be to get a note from your child's provider explaining his severe anxiety and calling the airline in advance to flag him as having a disability or needing extra help. You do not need to say what the issue is. Then got to the gate agent and explain you called earlier and that your child will need to board early. The doctor's note is there as a back up if the gate agent is not cooperative. DH recently went through this as he broke his leg and the airlines were very nice and said they offer similar things like preboarding, help getting to the gate, an escort, etc. for a developmental, intellectual or mental issues.