“I don’t even know what happy feels like anymore”

[Anonymous]

The words out of my 14-year-olds daughters mouth as I drive her home from a friends house.

She’s been a fairly anxious and sensitive child since she was pretty young. She has my wife’s Type A perfectionism and my anxiety and depressive tendencies.

The past 3 or 4 years have been rough. Since she’s started puberty I’ve become her enemy. We are so similar we butt heads. Often I feel like my wife encourages this divide. I’ll attempt to bond or connect with DD and my wife will shut it down. She’ll dismiss me as not understanding, often “it’s a girl thing”. My younger daughter is 12 and there doesn’t seem to be the same issues. We get along great, she’s a much easier going kid.

My 14-year-old behaviors have really concerned me. She has an eating disorder, although not one you’d consider traditional. She has had stomach issues since she was 6 or 7 (result of anxiety) and it’s manifested into her being super controlling over food. She also has a major phobia of getting sick. So she mainly only eats French fries, sometimes she’ll eat toast or an apple as well. I’ve been unsure how to handle this, I’ve been concerned from the beginning and my wife dismissed me and says, “she’s a picky eater”. My daughter is about 5% for weight and 90% for height. She’s severely anemic and has episodes of passing out my wife blames on menstruating although they often don’t coincide. She’ll lie to the doctor about my daughters symptoms and diet. I’ll push, that it’s become a big issue and I’m met with a lot of hostility from my wife and daughter. My daughter also is such a perfectionist she can not handle not being “perfect” in school. She’ll stay up 6 hours all night studying and be dead tired in the morning. I think she needs the sleep, wife says she’s just an dedicated student. If she does do poorly in anything she has a complete breakdown. We’ve both pushed her academically and now I feel like it’s backfired. She’s very smart and a great student but she dedicated so much time to school she puts self care and a social life as secondary. My wife seems to be proud of these attributes. I don’t understand. I don’t know what do do. I’m constantly dismissed when I see all these huge warning signs. I see so much of myself in my daughter. I struggled with horrible depression as a teen and young adult. I want her to get the help I never did.

“I don’t even know what happiness feels like”

Was her response when I asked her what would make her happy. I had to pick her up from a friends after she complained of a stomachache. She’s has very frequent stomachaches. She just looked lifeless as I drove her home, refusing to talk to me. I just asked her if she was happy, how I could make her happy and that was her response.

I couldn’t help but cry. She cried. We cried. She opened up a little more, but not a lot. She’s struggling and I feel like I’m the only one concerned.

I need help.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like my tween boy.

Get her to a counselor asap. It has made things so much better for him. Not perfect. Not "normal." But better.

[Anonymous]

OP, thank you for this post and for reaching out. You are a wonderful Dad for being so concerned.

Some very general thoughts:

-- As you describe it, your wife is wrong about a lot of this. Further, she should not be the sole decision maker. Put your foot down on issues like staying up too late to study; you have more sense than she does here.

-- Can you talk to your pediatrician - preferably with your wife there too -- and get some guidance? S/he will most likely recommend family therapy or perhaps a joint parenting class. Tell your wife that's what you're doing, with or without her, but you prefer to have you both on the same page. You need to take some leadership in this situation.

-- I know what you mean about having a kid "just like you" and you recognize their struggles/ potential pitfalls in a way your spouse cannot. Continue to verbalize this to your DD. You've learned a lot of coping strategies over the years that could help her.

-- "I don't know what happy feels like" is a sad comment, but please try not to overdramatize. Take concrete actions to help her, yes, but don't let this bring you down in your own misery. She needs you to step up to the plate with action, not fall into the pit with her. Be her DAD!

[Anonymous]

I would x post this on the SN board. She could reallly use a therapist to talk to and probably some anti anxiety medication.

[Anonymous]

For someone concerned about getting sick your daughter sure doesn't seem to have an understanding between french fries and clogged arteries.

I was 14 and had depression, anemia, was a very picky eater and had a father that I was a lot like (though I didn't think so at the time). (Are you my dad?) Here is what helped:

1. He helped me identify foods that were healthy that I could enjoy. So, I liked a couple of types of fish, as long as there was no lemon. I liked peanut butter on toast. Etc. Somehow, with him, it was very matter of fact and non-judgmental. Whereas all that was present with my mom, plus there was an undercurrent of competition with her.

He also helped me make a list of foods known for having iron, that I liked.

2. He spent time with me regularly. From running errands together, to going to shoot baskets, to him teaching me how to do his expense reports for work, to us folding laundry together, to him teaching me how to iron, to him having me help him cook dinner. We just did stuff one on one. It didn't have to be fun stuff.

Also, OP, with all the reality shows on tv now (Kardashians, Housewives, etc.) there's a lot of focus on excess and glamour. Kids think that's how it usually is. But it's not. They think everything should be over the top. But it shouldn't. We need shows like Roseanne back - blue collar, struggling, etc.

Does she play a sport or do something physical regularly? Can you go for a walk with her each night after dinner? Even if you don't talk, sometimes physical activity is soothing. Do you have a dog? If so, make it her job to brush the dog twice a week. If not, take her to volunteer at a dog rescue. Helping those less fortunate than you always shifts your mindset a bit, in a good direction.

TELL HER what you said here. "I can see that you're struggling. I hear you. I'm concerned for you." Just knowing someone sees her will make her feel good.

[Anonymous]

Therapy for sure. My kids have my depression and anxiety what has helped is my being open about it. I take medication and they do not but they know that’s an option and they know I waited far too long to try medication and that it’s made a huge difference in my life. I also am type A personality and I get overwhelmed very easily (too much noise etc.) they’re similar. They’re teens so only so much of this I can help them with but they know I meditate, they both have the calm app on phones, I need alone time when overwhelmed, exercise is key, sometimes playing with the dog and taking a bath or long shower is more important than getting an A on the test, nutrition, your daughters eating would really worry me, we talk about how food makes us feel , too much sugar making us feel horrible, sodas etc. need for a lot of water. We really emphasize relationships, spending time as a family, doing outdoor things (skiing, rafting, tennis, hiking, biking). Having a few good friends versus getting caught up in the whole popular thing. Being comfortable by yourself, alone versus lonely. We encourage silliness. This is the gift that returned to my life when I went on medication. I was ridiculously serious my whole life starting as a small child. Now I frequently embarrass my kids with “dancing like nobody is watching” and other general silliness. I work at being lighthearted as contradictory as that may be. I also believe strongly in vitamin D, Bs and folate to help those of us with more complicated chemistry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For someone concerned about getting sick your daughter sure doesn't seem to have an understanding between french fries and clogged arteries.

I was 14 and had depression, anemia, was a very picky eater and had a father that I was a lot like (though I didn't think so at the time). (Are you my dad?) Here is what helped:

1. He helped me identify foods that were healthy that I could enjoy. So, I liked a couple of types of fish, as long as there was no lemon. I liked peanut butter on toast. Etc. Somehow, with him, it was very matter of fact and non-judgmental. Whereas all that was present with my mom, plus there was an undercurrent of competition with her.

He also helped me make a list of foods known for having iron, that I liked.

2. He spent time with me regularly. From running errands together, to going to shoot baskets, to him teaching me how to do his expense reports for work, to us folding laundry together, to him teaching me how to iron, to him having me help him cook dinner. We just did stuff one on one. It didn't have to be fun stuff.

Also, OP, with all the reality shows on tv now (Kardashians, Housewives, etc.) there's a lot of focus on excess and glamour. Kids think that's how it usually is. But it's not. They think everything should be over the top. But it shouldn't. We need shows like Roseanne back - blue collar, struggling, etc.

Does she play a sport or do something physical regularly? Can you go for a walk with her each night after dinner? Even if you don't talk, sometimes physical activity is soothing. Do you have a dog? If so, make it her job to brush the dog twice a week. If not, take her to volunteer at a dog rescue. Helping those less fortunate than you always shifts your mindset a bit, in a good direction.

TELL HER what you said here. "I can see that you're struggling. I hear you. I'm concerned for you." Just knowing someone sees her will make her feel good.

Sorry, I wasn’t clear. She’s not concerned about long term affects on her health. She’s worried about “sickness” like vomiting and stomachahes. She says everything makes her feel sick but french fries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For someone concerned about getting sick your daughter sure doesn't seem to have an understanding between french fries and clogged arteries.

I was 14 and had depression, anemia, was a very picky eater and had a father that I was a lot like (though I didn't think so at the time). (Are you my dad?) Here is what helped:

1. He helped me identify foods that were healthy that I could enjoy. So, I liked a couple of types of fish, as long as there was no lemon. I liked peanut butter on toast. Etc. Somehow, with him, it was very matter of fact and non-judgmental. Whereas all that was present with my mom, plus there was an undercurrent of competition with her.

He also helped me make a list of foods known for having iron, that I liked.

2. He spent time with me regularly. From running errands together, to going to shoot baskets, to him teaching me how to do his expense reports for work, to us folding laundry together, to him teaching me how to iron, to him having me help him cook dinner. We just did stuff one on one. It didn't have to be fun stuff.

Also, OP, with all the reality shows on tv now (Kardashians, Housewives, etc.) there's a lot of focus on excess and glamour. Kids think that's how it usually is. But it's not. They think everything should be over the top. But it shouldn't. We need shows like Roseanne back - blue collar, struggling, etc.

Does she play a sport or do something physical regularly? Can you go for a walk with her each night after dinner? Even if you don't talk, sometimes physical activity is soothing. Do you have a dog? If so, make it her job to brush the dog twice a week. If not, take her to volunteer at a dog rescue. Helping those less fortunate than you always shifts your mindset a bit, in a good direction.

TELL HER what you said here. "I can see that you're struggling. I hear you. I'm concerned for you." Just knowing someone sees her will make her feel good.

Sorry, I wasn’t clear. She’s not concerned about long term affects on her health. She’s worried about “sickness” like vomiting and stomachahes. She says everything makes her feel sick but french fries.

You just focused on the least important part of my post.

[Anonymous]

Anxiety hits the gut for a lot of kids. That is maybe why her stomache hurts. She needs probiotics etc as well for stomach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anxiety hits the gut for a lot of kids. That is maybe why her stomache hurts. She needs probiotics etc as well for stomach.

She needs a lot more than that.

Op, who died and left your wife in charge? Why is she calling the shots? Man up, sir, and help your daughter!

Start with a call to your pediatrician. If your wife won’t go, you go. Take charge, please, and stop acting so helpless

[Anonymous]

As a side note, why is everybody dismissing her stomach issues? My DD has GERD, it presents a lot like you describe. She had it since she was a kid, and yes food issues come with it hand in hand. Why lying about her stomach issues? Is your wife from a culture/or just crazy mind set that skinny is beautiful? Anyway, it is generally more common that older child will identify and "like" opposite gender parent more, I have observed this in almost all families I know. Which makes me wonder why is there a lack of bond between you two? Were you absent for a while? Are you divorced and not living with them? Something about your post is off.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a great dad. I definitely agree with the suggestion for therapy. Typically when it involves a minor, the psychologist will first meet with the parents. If you're wife isn't on board with this, I suggest you do it yourself so you can better learn how to improve your relationship with your DD and how to have more input into parenting decisions. In short, your wife is very wrong. Your DD clearly has anxiety (perfectionism is form of anxiety so it's not just your genes contributing to this) - which is often comorbid with other disorders like depression and you are right to be worried. I've got 2 kids (including 1 in HS) that suffer from anxiety and I can tell you that medication has made such an incredible difference - including allowing them to be open to therapy and CBT.

Your DD should be screened by a professional skilled in anxiety/depression. I don't know where you live but can recommend the Ross Center. If you post in the Kids with SN forum, you're likely to get some great advice and recommendations. Your DD doesn't need to feel this way and your wife needs to stop explaining away the issues.

http://www.rosscenter.com/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a side note, why is everybody dismissing her stomach issues? My DD has GERD, it presents a lot like you describe. She had it since she was a kid, and yes food issues come with it hand in hand. Why lying about her stomach issues? Is your wife from a culture/or just crazy mind set that skinny is beautiful? Anyway, it is generally more common that older child will identify and "like" opposite gender parent more, I have observed this in almost all families I know. Which makes me wonder why is there a lack of bond between you two? Were you absent for a while? Are you divorced and not living with them? Something about your post is off.

I dismissed her stomach issues because OF COURSE someone who exists on french fries will say their stomach hurts. The girl has terrible nutrition. Fix that and maybe her stomach issues will go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The words out of my 14-year-olds daughters mouth as I drive her home from a friends house.

She’s been a fairly anxious and sensitive child since she was pretty young. She has my wife’s Type A perfectionism and my anxiety and depressive tendencies.

The past 3 or 4 years have been rough. Since she’s started puberty I’ve become her enemy. We are so similar we butt heads. Often I feel like my wife encourages this divide. I’ll attempt to bond or connect with DD and my wife will shut it down. She’ll dismiss me as not understanding, often “it’s a girl thing”. My younger daughter is 12 and there doesn’t seem to be the same issues. We get along great, she’s a much easier going kid.

My 14-year-old behaviors have really concerned me. She has an eating disorder, although not one you’d consider traditional. She has had stomach issues since she was 6 or 7 (result of anxiety) and it’s manifested into her being super controlling over food. She also has a major phobia of getting sick. So she mainly only eats French fries, sometimes she’ll eat toast or an apple as well. I’ve been unsure how to handle this, I’ve been concerned from the beginning and my wife dismissed me and says, “she’s a picky eater”. My daughter is about 5% for weight and 90% for height. She’s severely anemic and has episodes of passing out my wife blames on menstruating although they often don’t coincide. She’ll lie to the doctor about my daughters symptoms and diet. I’ll push, that it’s become a big issue and I’m met with a lot of hostility from my wife and daughter. My daughter also is such a perfectionist she can not handle not being “perfect” in school. She’ll stay up 6 hours all night studying and be dead tired in the morning. I think she needs the sleep, wife says she’s just an dedicated student. If she does do poorly in anything she has a complete breakdown. We’ve both pushed her academically and now I feel like it’s backfired. She’s very smart and a great student but she dedicated so much time to school she puts self care and a social life as secondary. My wife seems to be proud of these attributes. I don’t understand. I don’t know what do do. I’m constantly dismissed when I see all these huge warning signs. I see so much of myself in my daughter. I struggled with horrible depression as a teen and young adult. I want her to get the help I never did.

“I don’t even know what happiness feels like”

Was her response when I asked her what would make her happy. I had to pick her up from a friends after she complained of a stomachache. She’s has very frequent stomachaches. She just looked lifeless as I drove her home, refusing to talk to me. I just asked her if she was happy, how I could make her happy and that was her response.

I couldn’t help but cry. She cried. We cried. She opened up a little more, but not a lot. She’s struggling and I feel like I’m the only one concerned.

I need help.

maybe

[Anonymous]

I'd start with a physical with a regular dr. Preferably one who won't let your wife be in the room to downplay things (or you - bc well she's 14). With all the anxiety plus living only on fries with a rare apple or toast, it's very possible there's some GERD/reflux going on that needs medication. Sometimes with reflux you don’t feel like eating at all or will only eat your 1-2 “safe” foods. If that is fixed, she’s likely going to be able to eat which can only help how she’s feeling. Plus if it’s been years (or even a yr) of a crappy diet, she needs full bloodwork; who knows how low the iron could be, not to mention things like vitamin D/B12 – which don’t seem important but can make you feel physically and mentally crappy if they’re severely low. I mean she’s passing out?? How are you as parents not taking THAT as a medical emergency? Forget the anxiety over grades or whatever, deal with the medical stuff first. She’s young – these things will resolve quick. Once that’s done, then you can see how much (if any) therapy etc. is needed.